How do we disagree?

 fighting

I live, I love and sometimes I disagree.  My guess is at one time or another we’ve all had a disagreement of some kind with a loved one.  It makes logical sense.  We aren’t the same  person.  We don’t share a brain.  So our views or world experiences can be different causing potential for disagreements even with a loved one.

My husband and I are best friends.  We are in love with each other, care about each other, enjoy each other and still sometimes we disagree.

Relationship  problems don’t usually stem from disagreeing with each other but the way we handle the disagreements.  Are you:

1) Anger monger: ready to battle, going to war, losing your cool & hitting below the belt when your buttons get pushed

2) Silent but deadly: Retreat, retreat!! Clam up.  “I no share with you!” (passive/aggressive)

3)Talker: constant talking but not much listening

4) Stuffer: take it, take it, take it and then look out when this one blows their stack

5) Nastyrun: Almost like a doorbell dash; say something mean and then retreat or storm out.

Maybe your style is not one of these but another category or at different times or situations all or more than one of the above?

Anyway you slice it none of these work inside a relationship.  And disagreements are the toughies.  Often they are emotionally charged or can easily become emotionally charged.  Adding the emotional element can take things down a reactive road quickly especially when either or both of you feels  tired, holds the pressure of a list of to do items a mile long, finances, children,  etc.

Communication is key.  I know for me in my own relationship early on in our marriage we had a few doosies.  Even right after the disagreement we couldn’t tell you what it was about thanks to the emotional charge.  We decided together right then that we needed to make some changes.  I wish I could say we agreed, flipped a switch and Presto… we had this calmer relationship.  Implementing those changes took time, truly  seeking to understand each other, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, accepting & appreciating our differences, validating & listening to each other and communicating clearly without assumptions.

I’m reminded of this as recently we had a bump in our communication and boom we were back in this old “dance” that felt AWFUL, created unnecessary drama and knocked us for a loop.  Whoa. What happened? How did we end up back to this? Lack of communication, support and connection.

The gist of it was we’ve both been pushing ourselves to the limit with work, to do list around the house,  less sleep and took our eye off spending quality time with each other (just for a week or two) – that connection time.  So both of us were less patient, more irritable, did less seeking to understand and CHOSE more reactive conversation.  Things escalated very quickly.

We both felt awful.  The good thing is we renewed our commitment to spend time together during the week even if it is 20 minutes to connect about US.  Not work, not TV, not our child, just us.  Cuddling, laughing and talking with each of us completely present (no technology).  We committed to taking a breath before we speak or respond and seeking to understand each other.  We realized all the other stuff is STUFF.  We need to put the love and care into us by nurturing us with quality time so we continue to speak the same language instead of Chinese and Greek.  This way if we disagree in the future we can validate each other more easily, truly hear each other and figure out how to move forward together.

Does that mean we are perfect?   That’s it.  No more work?  No way.  We have awareness.  We continue to do the work.  And whether or not it is an intimate relationship or any other important relationship, they all take work, all need the desire and agreement from both parties to work at the relationship.  So when things do go bump in the night which they will from time to time, we have tools to help us get back on the same page or agree to see a “translator” together (therapist, intuitive, etc.) to help.

The more we focus on making deposits in each others emotional bank accounts and seeking to understand before we react the less time we spend in the land of drama.

Just saw the time.  Gotta run.  It is connect/date time with my hubby and I’m looking forward to my cuddles.

Love and Light,

Lovingly Lotus

 

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