I clearly heard words from Tom Petty: “I’m learning to fly. But I ain’t got wings.”
What does this mean? I’m learning to fly and soar. I don’t have wings and yet I can fly anyway. When I’m high and soaring in my power, I used to bring myself down because I felt somehow I didn’t deserve my joy or success.
This was a pattern, a rollercoaster in my life. Up, down, up, down. Plain exhausting and frustrating. I couldn’t figure it out. I thought I was doing ALL THE RIGHT THINGS. And yet, somewhere in me lurked this feeling of “I didn’t deserve” or “I am a fraud”. Have you ever sabotaged your success?
It came out in my relationships, my marriage, my parenting, my business and my weight/nutrition/exercise. It consistently showed up while I was “on a roll”.
This was, of course, after working on and healing my lack of self-esteem. I love myself. I am confident. I lead a fairly balanced life. I take time for self care. Yes, I’m not perfect but I was no longer this person who felt unworthy.
It didn’t make sense to me on an energetic level either. I know what I feel and think affects my vibes. I know my vibes attracts people and experiences into my life. So if you are soaring, how could I begin to fall?
So I immediately recognized my pattern and thought “What is going on? I am so done with this sh#t already. Why is THIS coming up?” And the more I didn’t want to look at it, the more often I repeated the pattern. And I got pissed. Do you ever think “why does this keep happening?” OR “I’m tired of this.”
I’ve never been one who likes to REDO things (unless they are what I deem SUPER FUN). So imagine how much I really wanted to repeat the same pattern OVER and OVER? Nada! What an energy drain. Right?
This is what happens when I am not paying attention or not wanting to pay attention to messages in my life. The message for me in hearing this song: Marni, it is time to Heal and FREE yourself of this cycle. Shifting my beliefs, my feelings and my vibes. How did I know this? I heard it through my spirit, my intuitive trust and gifts (that is another story).
You might be confused at this point. I sure was. Didn’t I already heal my sh#t? Well, yes and yes. Healing is like a snake’s skin. It comes about in layers. You shed a layer when you are ready to evolve, grow or just experience life from a new and/or deeper perspective, seeing more possibilities, expanding your comfort zone and letting go of what no longer serves you with gratitude for what it provided.
The old me would’ve already been in Numbland by this point. Either binging and purging when I was bulimic or just doing anything I could NOT to feel all this discomfort. My energy was plummeting. And believe me, I wanted to run and hide from what was clearly in my face. And that was when I CHOSE to lean in more.
What? Lean into my resistance? Embrace discomfort? Doesn’t that sound like something easy and fun? Ha!
And yet, once I did, it wasn’t as hard as I thought. And I could feel my energy physically and emotionally shift.
First you become aware. Aware of what I was afraid of. And I learned as I expand my comfort zone, I will still come across my own fear because I am experiencing something new, different, at the edge of my zone. Yet with feeling secure in who I am, my fear doesn’t feel as large (most of the time). Once I became aware (using tools I’ve created or learned) and embraced what I was feeling, its power began to fade.
Do I still have the rollercoaster? Once in awhile, yes, it sneaks up. Most of the time no. And even now when I find myself about to take a trip down a huge hill, I feel so differently about who I am today compared to yesterday. I now see so many possibilities. With the knowledge of possibilities and of course meditating almost daily I feel peace inside and more easily or more quickly shift my energy.
Does peace mean the voice inside is quiet. No. It isn’t quiet in here inside me. It is very noisy and yet I learned how to create peace inside the tumult. Add in a little energy healing and I’m feeling better already.
So often you don’t want to be honest with yourself because it feels painful and scary and that just feeds the power of fear and leaves you feeling powerless, full of self-doubt and scared. Basically STUCK.
Joining the Self-Esteem Revolution was the greatest gift I gave and continue giving myself. I highly recommend it. I learned to fly and soar without wings and how to sustain consistently while looking at what scares me most. It is so freeing!!! Join me!!!