So the other day I was sharing a story my son’s day at camp with a friend. And she was struck by the way he handled a conflict with a friend.
A day or two before Eli had been called a name by this friend. He handled the conflicts as most 9 year olds would and even lots of us adults. He was upset. So he got a counselor involved.
The next day he and the friend kind of avoided each other. And Eli was still upset thinking the friend didn’t like him anymore.
I’m so grateful he shares this with me and Marc so we can counsel him. So I asked him a few questions:
- What is the story you are writing? You know the one I mean? The one that hasn’t happened yet. The one that is projecting from your Ego/FearVoice/Inner Critic?
*Writing a story or ASSUMING what will happen shifts your energy and the energy of the situation. REMEMBER: Energy follows Energy
This type of thinking can bring about increased stress, anxiety, depression, anger and yet- NOTHING has happened YET.
Try not to be mad at the fear voice. It is only trying to protect you and keep you safe. Instead give it gratitude. Thank it for having your back. And then tell it. I’m SAFE. Please get quieter so I can hear my Heart/Intuitive voice.
This is the voice that won’t steer you wrong. It leads from LOVE.
Now Eli, had already decided his friend was done with him. They were not friends. And he decided that if Eli approached the friend he would not be received.
So we role played with each other and with his stuffed animals. We did some silly ones, some funny ones, some angry ones and some positive outcome ones. And Eli began to see the story hadn’t been written… YET.
2. The next question I asked him “What from your past hurts is feeding your worries. ” Can you think of another time when you felt this same way? OR When the story you are writing came true?
Now Eli has been doing a tremendous healing around an incident that happened a couple of years ago when a man in charge of his Tae Kwon Do after school program physically threatened him. So he was able to speak his feelings about this AND the bullying by the older kids in the program who tortured him while the adult provided no protection or solace.
He connected TRUST and his own CONFIDENCE were the wounds contributing to the story writing.
3. Next I asked him: Where is your power when you write these stories? Where is your trust and confidence?
He is so cute. He said “Mommy, I give away my power when I don’t trust myself and God to help me and that makes me feel not confident. And Mommy, you taught me energy follows energy. So I’m bringing my energy down when I could TRUST myself and God which will give me the power and confidence to do something different.”
I have to admit my eyes welled up with tears at this point. It has been a short, yet long 2 year journey filled with some scary shit. So to hear him say all this was beautiful and such a testament to his amazingness and the POWER LOVE has in healing.
4. We spoke about his options of what he could do the next day. All of it being his choice. Do nothing. Ask a counselor to help him speak with the friend. Speak with the friend on his own using a powerful technique called “I statements”. And more.
BEFORE making this decision, I asked him to sit with this. Think back to the time you’ve spent with this friend BEFORE the conflict. Is this someone you really enjoyed? Did you feed each other’s energy? Did you have fun? Was there a mutual respect until the conflict? And if you could have the outcome you desire, what would it be?
Marc and I told him this was his to decide and there was NO right and NO wrong. We’ve both tried many of these things with great outcomes and shitty outcomes. He had to really feel this out.
So here is what he did: He found the friend and asked if they could speak (BIG ASS COURAGE for my guy). The friend agreed.
Then Eli used the POWER of “I” statements.
When you do _____
I feel _____
Because ____ (vulnerable)_____
Self reflective share
And then he gave his friend an opportunity to do the same. Though at 9, his friend didn’t know what to do. So he asked Eli if they could move forward and be friends. And Eli being the forgiving soul he is, said YES. And off they went.
The “I” statement takes the sting out of confrontation while you stay in your power during a conflict. And provides an easy to maneuver conversation aiding in coming to resolution. All involved are seen and heard through this SUPER POWER tool.
The keys in conflict is know you are getting stirred up by your wounds, your fears. If possible finding space to calm, breathe and discern the answers to the questions I asked Eli will help you process.
And the “I” statement during confrontation, conflict, in the heat of the moment…helps empower you and the other person. It keeps you from going below the belt and provides the beginning of a map to communicating through the conflict and synergizing a solution. And that takes the STING out.
Look, none of us is perfect. And we aren’t here in this life to be perfect. It’s about learning, experiencing and loving while we are here. You are going to make mistakes, you are going to make bad choices. You can drown in them or choose to learn from them.
Free will baby, it’s all about choice.
I recently traveled for vacation with my 8 year old son meeting my hubby in Minneapolis. A short time before our flight boarded, the flight was canceled. No crew. We thankfully made it to the TOP of the list for the next flight to fly standby. When we agreed to fly standby, the airline rep told us, our bag would be going on this flight whether we made it or not. FAMOUS last words. We made it. Our bag did not. And I was reminded of the only other time my luggage was “delayed” and the difference inside ME today.
Just over fifteen years ago, PM (pre-Marc), I took a trip to Aruba with one of my besties. One of the things I LOVE about my bestie, she is laid back, go with the flow, creates fun and lives in the moment. Well, at the time, I thought I was like this too. And I was to a degree, yet inside me I was still a work in progress as we all are. I remember sharing with my friend about all the recent big changes and belief shifts in my life. You know, like, I meditated. At the time I had an inconsistently consistent mindful practice and while I received benefit from my inconsistent practice, some of what spurred me to share was about being “on trend”. I engaged in intuitive energy healing. My intuition sharp and clear while in TRUTH, my trust of myself was spotty. I was more patient, more calm. True. And I loved myself. YES. Yet, I still felt unsatisfied in areas of my life. Okay, I did NOT admit to myself let alone anyone else about any incomplete feelings. I believed it was my outer stuff: my hair, my clothes, my body, my job, my finances were still the root cause to my life dissatisfaction. I mean I did the work, I loved myself. So it couldn’t be that. But my love for me wasn’t full body, mind, heart, soul and psyche, feeling amazing inside love consistently. So the thought that my STUFF: hair dryer, makeup, the “perfect bathing suit” and comfy great looking on me clothes would be missing caused me great anguish which spread from my psyche to my experience quickly. Body stuff had been “getting me” on some level since I was a kid and developed early.
As a recovering bulimic, I was so NOT COMFORTABLE with the idea of having to find something to wear with limited choices. My fears of finding “clothes I looked cute in” outweighed fun.
I kept it inside and attempted to “go with the flow”. It didn’t work at all. My friend went out and I stayed in the room trying to get information from the airline on where my bag was and when I could expect it. I had looked forward to this trip for weeks and I was spending it chaining myself in the room. I figured once I knew when I’d have my stuff, I’d be able to have fun (interpret as allow myself to have fun).
That evening I left the room to go to dinner. My bestie made a comment about how for all my sharing about my life shifts, my behavior didn’t match up. Wow, did that hurt. That is what I love about my friend. She didn’t say it to hurt. She said it quite compassionately. It hurt because it was TRUE. And I loved myself enough to recognize the outer turmoil I experienced because of my lack of deeper self love.
I did go out after that and uncomfortably purchased: a dress, shorts and t-shirts, underwear and a bathing suit. I made do for our time there as my luggage never showed up. And I had fun, yet I lost a day and half of enjoying Aruba due to not fully loving myself on a fuller body, mind, heart, soul and psyche level. And believe me, I’d done ALOT of work on liking and loving myself. Therapy, books, classes, etc. I was feeling better than ever about myself. My lack of self love at a deeper level propelled me to give in to fear. Fear about how I looked, fear about how I would fit in on the trip, fear about the money I spent on necessities being reimbursed and more. This experience showed me I still had healing work to do and it was time to level up. Learning to love me was not a one and done experience.
Apparently my luggage was partying in Mexico and arrived a bit hung over at my house about 3 hours after I arrived home from Aruba. Then the specialty vacation airline gave me a hard time about reimbursement at a time when my finances were more limited. Really? I was on an island. I had limited choices and certainly didn’t spend thousands. This was one of my fears come to life about purchasing necessities. I was still dealing with this weeks later when I met the love of my life, Marc, my husband. It did all work out. But I digress…
So back to the present story. We arrived in Minneapolis just after 3pm, much later than the 10am we were expected. Truly happy to be there. Found my hubs in baggage claim. He told us the luggage had not arrived. I thought he was kidding. That is so his sense of humor. He wasn’t kidding. And immediately my Aruba experience flashed back. Not out of fear at all. I actually laughed aloud when I thought of it. That is no longer my story. That is not who I am. I love me so many levels deeper than my time in Aruba. It was just STUFF. Sure, it would be a pain to have to replace it if my luggage didn’t show, but chances are it would arrive at some point. And then my WHY for being in Minneapolis spoke up. I am here with my family to enjoy quality time together. We will buy clothes if we need to and we will figure it out. Regardless, we will have fun and enjoy this adventure even if it is in the same stinky clothing. So, we filed our claim with the airline and went on our way.
Before bed wearing one of Marc’s t-shirts, we checked and still no status on where our luggage was. OK. The next morning we got up did what my sister calls a “CWBath” (the genitals, the face and the pits) and left the hotel. First stop coffee at Starbucks. 2nd stop Marshall’s for a few essentials to change our clothes.
Arrived back at the hotel, changed clothes and checked the luggage tracker. Good news. Luggage found, placed on 8am flight out of Charlotte arriving in Minneapolis by 10am. Then it takes up to 12 hours for delivery. I shrugged and we moved on with the adventure of the day not giving luggage another thought. Fortunately it was warmish and my FIT FLOPS, which I wore on the flight, were comfy for walking. We walked all over downtown exploring.
We had a blast making memories and laughing all day and decided to grab takeout and head back to our room for a late supper. Just as we sat down to eat (about 915pm), the phone rang and YES, our luggage had arrived. We looked at each other and laughed saying “we’ll get that after we eat”. No rush. I didn’t even unpack til the next morning.
I was thrilled at my shift and the freedom I could so clearly see and feel. The difference today is I know the outer shit doesn’t matter. Not the clothes, not the finances, not anything. And not because anyone else says it doesn’t matter, but because I truly believe it. Why doesn’t it matter? Because I am in love with myself . My feeling of wholeness is so complete, I could simply be in the moment. When dissatisfaction or diminished enjoyment impact any area of your life, the very first thing you must learn how to do is love yourself. Not the BLAH BLAH love yourself. The whole body, mind, heart, soul and psyche feeling amazing on the inside kind of love yourself. This is the key to greater happiness, greater success and greater satisfaction in life. That is the journey of this great adventure we call life. Only one other person I know could appreciate this beautiful story, I called my bestie and gave her a great chuckle. And the rest is history.
BIG LOVE and GRATITUDE,
I am always the strong one. At least that is the illusion I told myself. I am the one who remains clear headed and calm while the chaos ensues around me. I’m the one that handles the crisis during the crisis. The cost is I don’t get to my feelings until much later after the chaos becomes calm.
After the crisis and before I get to my feelings, I am cranky, bitchy, nitpicky. And when I let loose, it is like my insides are falling out of me. I cry tears that could fill the oceans. I sob out loud and I just let go. And man, am I tired when I’m finished. It takes so much energy to hold up the world and keep it together when I just want to cry in that moment. But if I did, then I wouldn’t be the strong one. Or would I?
This is how I grew up. This was the role I created for myself. My unique ability. My “look at me and what I can do talent”. The action I took for approval and love. What I felt I had to do to be loved. Yet, I was already loved. Loved before conception, loved the second I was conceived, the moment I came into this body on this earth. I am love.
Somewhere along the way, I learned being dependable was strong and approved (approval = love) and showing lots of emotion was judged as weak. So, funny, I live my life in a colorful world mixing colors constantly. Yet for this huge decision, I looked at only 2 choices, black or white. My fear erased color and with it possibilities.
I did such a good job playing my “strong one” role that when I shared my feelings with loved ones and began taking off my mask, they responded with “you can handle it, you are strong”. Often, that made me super angry to hear. I wanted the perceived nurturing I saw going to the “weak”. The rescuing. I wanted to be rescued.
And so I tried my hand at being a victim. I didn’t get the reaction I wanted. I received tough words and tough love. And that made me angry and kicked off more fears about me not being loved. A self-fulfilling prophecy?
Life is about possibilities, endless possibilities. Today I am still great in a crisis with my feelings hanging out or running down my face. I allowed myself to see other possibilities. I no longer have HUGE releases after a crisis that drain me of energy. I gave myself permission to feel in the moment. I am the strong one because I allow myself to feel and express my vulnerability without becoming a victim.
And I am grateful for this beautiful awareness. I am grateful for the times I believed in the illusion. And I am so grateful to know the difference. This awareness I pass on to my son. Feel your feelings, acknowledge them. Crying is a release. Admitting you are sad, frustrated, angry, overwhelmed, AFRAID, doesn’t make you weak…it is what you do next that becomes your story. Do you become a victim of woe is me or do you keep moving, find gratitude and live your life, human, vulnerable and strong?
How do you begin reframing what you believe and your behaviors? I’ll share with you what I discovered. My magic powers I’ve used for years…
First you become aware. Then you create an intention. How do you want to embrace your life or a specific aspect of it. Stick with something that stretches your comfort zone and yet you believe it is possible. Sometimes it is your intention that helps grow your awareness. And then develop an affirmation, an I am statement. Something in your own words that you desire and can believe. Both your intention and affirmation may be works in progress. That is absolutely okay.
And finally, gratitude. When I live in gratitude, my fears are quieter. It doesn’t mean they don’t exist, but fear doesn’t get so loud that it controls my life. And when it does, I discover I have forgotten my gratitude.
I realize this may sound too easy or possibly lame depending on your perspective. All I know is it works. It works in my life. And I have the incredible delight of witnessing it change the lives of my clients.
I sit in gratitude almost daily focusing on an intention and affirmation to guide me or grow me that day. And sometimes I have the same intentions and affirmations for a few weeks as I allow myself to change. My gratitude notebook goes everywhere with me in my purse. When I feel something, I write it down. And when I’m struggling, it helps me remember. Some days it might be gratitude that I am breathing or the sun is shining.
I realize this seems so simple. How could something this simple change your life? Try it consistently and watch yourself soar. And if you dare enough to try it, write to me and tell me how your life is changing. I want to dance in celebration for you and with you.
What am I going to write about? The time I struggled and showed my ass by behaving like I’d lost my mind? There are moments I feel like I’m part of the circus or better yet starring in a sit-com. My life is far from always being full of laughter though we laugh a lot in our family.
I get tired of taking everything so seriously. So I put on a pair of “TV glasses” and see what each situation I’m worried about, frustrated with, pissed about, and enjoying would like through the camera of a sit-com.
I discovered this solution when Eli was an infant. I was alone and changing his diaper. He stuck one foot in poop, then another, then his hand. Somehow it got on my hands too. I was by myself at home. And as a new mom, I began to panic. How do I figure this out? How do I get my son and myself clean without getting poop everywhere. Every idea I thought of resulted in me seeing my son ending up falling to the floor. All the tools I needed were in other rooms, The thought of carrying poop from room to room with a dog and three cats standing by to enter the fray filled me with more anxiety. My body tensed and tightened. And then Eli began to cry. Big surprise, right? And then as he wriggled in more poop, for a split second I imagined my reaction if I was watching this on TV. What was the big deal? And I began to laugh. And as I laughed and my body loosened, Eli calmed and smiled. I have no idea how, but somehow I cleaned us both pretty quickly and easily. And from then on, I pulled out my “TV Glasses” during life situations. Any caregivers out there ever experience similar situations?
Which brings me to a few days ago when again I was struggling, frustrated and a little scared. Instead of picturing the sitcom, I cried. I disagreed with my producer for my upcoming radio show and participated in unnecessary arguing drama. I was not fit for human consumption and I felt it in my body. I reflected on all my “life plates” I keep spinning, my to dos. Are these life or death “plates”? Nope. What will happen if I don’t get EVERYTHING done? Nothing. What am I afraid of?
Truth? Falling on my face which is FAILING. Yet even as I say that most of me is not afraid. I know in the deepest part of me, even if I fall on my face there is a reason. I know the experience will provide me with an opportunity. Now truth be told. It isn’t comfortable to fail. So I don’t know of anyone who runs out and says Yes, I’ll choose Failure. What I know is if I don’t choose change, which comes with risks, and pushing out of what is comfortable, I stay stuck.
Complacency becomes another word for stuck. Don’t make waves. Status quo. Don’t ask a tough question because of what might happen. Did you know stuck means you don’t get to experience the fantabulous either?
Self-esteem plays a huge role in your willingness to embrace change. Change can have ALOT of unknown and unfamiliar feelings and factors. So of course complacency will feel better in some aspects because you know it. And you know your outcomes even if they are painful.
So here I go taking another leap: 1) I premiered my radio show heard globally 2) I stopped part of my business marketing which I believed until recently was the largest draw for meeting new clients. I do not know what I’m doing next to grow my community. I trust it will be revealed soon (there was a bit of GULP the first time I said that) 3) I am continuing to lovingly detach as a parent (more on this in future articles). Providing my son opportunities to grow and fail (as safely as I can) 4) I am visibly emerging with live videos on social media, radio, joint ventures with other healers 5) I am learning how to do my radio show from my computer and all the mechanics and marketing (there are at least 10 things here I don’t know) 6) I am allowing in my relationship with Marc instead of listening to the voice telling me to “drive the train”. With more leaping each week and sometimes daily.
And while some days it feels harder and some days I fail. I am still happy everyday. And more and more consistently, I feel an ease and a joy. I feel a freedom like I did as a kid riding my bike super fast with the wind blowing my hair kicking my feet out as I went down a huge hill and yelling WHEEEEEEE!!!
With Love and Gratitude,
Are you familiar with the word chakra and what it is? I invite you to join my touching and sometimes humorous conversation about chakras with Paula Vail of For the Love of Reiki.
I clear spaces. It is something I have a talent for and I enjoy it. No two have ever been alike. I was sharing this with a a new friend over coffee and was asked what it was. Was it just smudging, was it like Feng Shui or what? What a great question. I know what I believe but I was curious to know what others thought. So, I recently asked people I know their take on the difference between Feng Shui and Clearing Spaces. I received wonderful answers from:
1) Space clearing can happen in the presence of Feng shui..
2) Space clearing involves ether ,Feng shui involves things—
3) Space clearing is a part of Feng Shui. Get rid of clutter. Get rid of stuff you don’t need, broken, doesn’t bring you joy. Get that energy out. Let go. This clears the space for the energy to flow, and allows space for new intentional energy flow.
4) Feng shui is the placement of objects and the flow of energy around them. Space clearing is cleansing and fluffing up any stuck energy.
5) I don’t know
I loved everyone’s honesty and find value in every answer as well as truth.
Here is what I know, what I’ve seen and believe:
Feng Shui is an art and science about the placement of objects around a space to support the flow of energy, abundance, health, balance, love, etc.
Space clearing is about changing the vibrational energy within the space allowing it to flow and removing the very energy causing places like our homes, offices, properties, etc. not to feel good. The range of “not feeling good stuff” spans from negative vibes we pick up throughout our day to earthbound spirits (aka ghosts) who haven’t crossed into the light and more. Clearing a space includes protecting the space too. It creates a feeling of peace, joy, and ease within the place. Space clearing affects our personal vibes while in and around that space as well as anyone visiting. Those vibes affect our daily living.
Feng Shui and Space Clearing work well together supporting each other. Clearing the space, protecting it and filling it with good vibes and peaceful energy is the first key step to a space (home or work) completely supporting our life’s desires.
Interested in knowing more? Later this week I’ll begin sharing video tips for space clearing. Look out for links to my YouTube, via Facebook or Twitter or sign up for my newsletter.
I’d love to know your thoughts and answer your questions too so please respond and let me know. And share this this often. We all need spaces that feel peaceful and joyfilled to spend quality time.