Tag Archives: Divine

Taking the STING out of Conflicts

So the other day I was sharing a story my son’s day  at camp with a friend.  And she was struck by the way he handled a conflict with a friend.

A day or two before Eli had been called a name by this friend.  He handled the conflicts as most 9 year olds would and even lots of us adults.  He was upset.  So he got a counselor involved.

The next day he and the friend kind of avoided each other.  And Eli was still upset thinking the friend didn’t like him anymore.

I’m so grateful he shares this with me and Marc so we can counsel him.  So I asked him a few questions:

 

  1. What is the story you are writing?   You know the one I mean? The one that hasn’t happened yet.  The one that is projecting from your Ego/FearVoice/Inner Critic?

*Writing a story or ASSUMING what will happen shifts your energy and the energy of the situation.  REMEMBER: Energy follows Energy

This type of thinking can bring about increased stress, anxiety, depression, anger and yet- NOTHING has happened YET.

Try not to be mad at the fear voice.  It is only trying to protect you and keep you safe.  Instead give it gratitude.  Thank it for having your back.  And then tell it.  I’m SAFE.  Please get quieter so I can hear my Heart/Intuitive voice.

This is the voice that won’t steer you wrong.  It leads from LOVE.

Now Eli, had already decided his friend was done with him.  They were not friends.  And he decided that if Eli approached the friend he would not be received.

So we role played with each other and with his stuffed animals.  We did some silly ones, some funny ones, some angry ones and some positive outcome ones.  And Eli began to see the story hadn’t been written… YET.

2.  The next question I asked him “What from your past hurts is feeding your worries. ”  Can you think of another time when you felt this same way? OR When the story you are writing came true?

Now Eli has been doing a tremendous healing around an incident that happened a couple of years ago when a man in charge of his Tae Kwon Do after school program physically threatened him.  So he was able to speak his feelings about this AND the bullying by the older kids in the program who tortured him while the adult provided no protection or solace.

He connected TRUST and his own CONFIDENCE were the wounds contributing to the story writing.

3.  Next I asked him: Where is your power when you write these stories?  Where is your trust and confidence?

He is so cute.  He said “Mommy, I give away my power when I don’t trust myself and God to help me and that makes me feel not confident. And Mommy, you taught me energy follows energy.  So I’m bringing my energy down when I could TRUST myself and God which will give me the power and confidence to do something different.”

I have to admit my eyes welled up with tears at this point.  It has been a short, yet long 2 year journey filled with some scary shit. So to hear him say all this was beautiful and such a testament to his amazingness and the POWER LOVE has in healing.

4.  We spoke about his options of what he could do the next day.  All of it being his choice.  Do nothing.  Ask a counselor to help him speak with the friend.  Speak with the friend on his own using a powerful technique called “I statements”.  And more.

BEFORE making this decision, I asked him to sit with this.  Think back to the time you’ve spent with this friend BEFORE the conflict.  Is this someone you really enjoyed?  Did you feed each other’s energy? Did you have fun? Was there a mutual respect until the conflict?  And if you could have the outcome you desire, what would it be?

Marc and I told him this was his to decide and there was NO right and NO wrong.  We’ve both tried many of these things with great outcomes and shitty outcomes.  He had to really feel this out.

So here is what he did: He found the friend and asked if they could speak (BIG ASS COURAGE for my guy).  The friend agreed.

Then Eli used the POWER of “I” statements.

 

 

When you do _____

I feel _____

Because ____ (vulnerable)_____

Self reflective share

And then he gave his friend an opportunity to do the same.  Though at 9, his friend didn’t know what to do.  So he asked Eli if they could move forward and be friends.  And Eli being the forgiving soul he is, said YES.  And off they went.

The “I” statement takes the  sting out of confrontation while you stay in your power during a conflict.  And provides an easy to maneuver conversation aiding in coming to resolution.  All involved are seen and heard through this SUPER POWER tool.

The keys in conflict is know you are getting stirred up by your wounds, your fears.  If possible finding space to calm, breathe and discern the answers to the questions I asked Eli will help you process.

And the “I” statement during confrontation, conflict, in the heat of the moment…helps empower you and the other person.  It keeps you from going below the belt and provides the beginning of a map to communicating through the conflict and synergizing a solution.  And that takes the STING out.

Look, none of us is perfect.  And we aren’t here in this life to be perfect.  It’s about learning, experiencing and loving while we are here.  You are going to make mistakes, you are going to make bad choices.  You can drown in them or choose to learn from them.

Free will baby, it’s all about choice.
XO

What is Happy and What is Love? How do you know?

What is love?   What is happiness? 

This is what was on my mind after I meditated this morning.  So today I’m going to free write my answers and share them with you.  Why? Because I believe these are the 2 most important topics of life.  And I’m on a mission to help bring more love into the world.  So here goes:

Happiness comes from love.  Happiness is something that you create in your mind and in your heart.  You tap into it even on the days you feel like your world is crashing down around you.  Happiness doesn’t mean you always have a smile plastered to your face.  It is a state of being.  Knowing in your mind and in your heart that even when the shit hits the fan and you are sad or angry about life happenings, somehow you still feel happiness inside you and in your life. 

That may sound weird to some people.
  Maybe to everyone.  Maybe it doesn’t even sound real.  But it is.  I know.  I have been that person with life crashing down and not knowing what to do and feeling overwhelmed and yet I still knew I am a happy person dealing with some uncomfortable or shitty situations.  It sounds weird rereading what I wrote..maybe even unreal. 

How do I better explain? Happiness doesn’t mean I never get mad or sad.  It doesn’t mean that I don’t cry or feel pain.  I do.  Yet somehow I also have hope and faith.  I struggle with my hope and faith at times and I have my pity parties and get my dark emotions out and yet I still turn around and know I am happy. 

Maybe it is because I know that the discomfort I am going through is temporary even when it feels like it is going on forever.  I don’t know when it works out or how but I trust somehow it works out for my greatest good.  That doesn’t mean I sit and watch my life go by.  I actively participate supporting my intentions and life affirmations bringing about life prosperity.  Yet Shit happens.  It does.  I cannot control anyone or everything.  Each of us has free will.

I live most days in gratitude, yet I have moments and days I fall off the wagon.  And still I consider myself happy.  

Five ways to know you are happy: Keep in mind this is about consistency and NOT PERFECTION.

  1. You smile from the inside out: not necessarily daily more like consistently and not like it is plastered to your face and fake.  A real joyful smile coming from inside you and emanating out of you.  So much so, you don’t even realize you are smiling at times and people naturally smile back at you.
  2. Even when you are going through difficult times, you have hope that your life will get better.  
  3. You can see and accept yourself warts and all most of the time and you give this same acceptance to your inner circle of loved ones.
  4. You consistently laugh.  Maybe not daily, but almost everyday you find something amusing.  Laughter is hugely important to happiness
  5.  You live life in the present and enjoy. Worrying creates more to worry about and doesn’t change anything.  Just take action where you can.

So if Happiness comes from love, what is love? Love for me is the feeling of acceptance and pure delight.  It is loving my imperfections and all of me which makes me, ME.  And doing the same for other people.  Does that mean I like everything about everyone? No, not even myself.  And yet, I accept those things I dislike about myself and about people I love because I love them.  I’m not talking about things that hurt people, drastic stuff.  I’m talking about the imperfections that make us human and at times drive us crazy, if we allow it.  Some of it is how we choose to experience it.  There was a time in my life I would say if only ____ would change ____, then we would be happier. That is NOT an example of acceptance or DEEP LOVE.  

That is the thinking that keeps us stuck and in the same motions over and over and over.  Living out repetitive patterns in many of our relationships.  YUCK. 

Love for myself: I am my best friend.  I enjoy time with me.  I am loud and big energy.  I love to laugh. I have a sharp tongue, very little filter, a “truck driver’s mouth”  and a sharp temper all with my  HUGE heart.  My loved ones know, I will drop anything to be there for you.  I trust easily until it is broken and then it is hard for me to trust again.  I’m getting better at forgiveness.  My son is great at it and I’m learning from him.  Boundaries with strangers are super easy; with loved ones they are harder, yet they are necessary to take care of me.  I am in a progressive state of love with my body after many years of war.  I love my hair and the way my green eyes change color.  I love not looking my age.  I’m NOT PERFECT.  I aim to do the best I can and be the best me I can be at any given moment and that changes from time to time.  I love me.  And saying that and meaning it down to my core, makes me happy.

 

I agree with the Dali Lama about life. Life for me is about the journey of love and happiness. 

XO

 Ask me about this…

I Am Always The Strong One

I am always the strong one.  At least that is the illusion I told myself.  I am the one who remains clear headed and calm while the chaos ensues around me.  I’m the one that handles the crisis during the crisis.  The cost is I don’t get to my feelings until much later after the chaos becomes calm. 

After the crisis and before I get to my feelings, I am cranky, bitchy, nitpicky.  And when I let loose, it is like my insides are falling out of me.  I cry tears that could fill the oceans.  I sob out loud and I just let go.  And man, am I tired when I’m finished.  It takes so much energy to hold up the world and keep it together when I just want to cry in that moment.  But if I did, then I wouldn’t be the strong one. Or would I?

This is how I grew up.  This was the role I created for myself.  My unique ability.  My “look at me and what I can do talent”.  The action I took for approval and love.  What I felt I had to do to be loved.  Yet, I was already loved.  Loved before conception, loved the second I was conceived, the moment I came into this body on this earth.  I am love. 

Somewhere along the way, I learned being dependable was strong and approved (approval = love) and showing lots of emotion was judged as weak.  So, funny, I live my life in a colorful world mixing colors constantly.  Yet for this huge decision, I looked at only 2 choices, black or white.  My fear erased color and with it possibilities. 

I did such a good job playing my “strong one” role that when I shared my feelings with loved ones and began taking off my mask, they responded with “you can handle it, you are strong”.  Often, that made me super angry to hear.  I wanted the perceived nurturing I saw going to the “weak”.  The rescuing.  I wanted to be rescued. 

And so I tried my hand at being a victim.  I didn’t get the reaction I wanted.  I received tough words and tough love. And that made me angry and kicked off more fears about me not being loved.  A self-fulfilling prophecy?

Life is about possibilities, endless possibilities.  Today I am still great in a crisis with my feelings hanging out or running down my face.  I allowed myself to see other possibilities.  I no longer have HUGE releases after a crisis that drain me of energy.  I gave myself permission to feel in the moment.  I am the strong one because I allow myself to feel and express my vulnerability without becoming a victim.

And I am grateful for this beautiful awareness.  I am grateful for the times I believed in the illusion.  And I am so grateful to know the difference.   This awareness I pass on to my son.  Feel your feelings, acknowledge them.  Crying is a release.  Admitting you are sad, frustrated, angry, overwhelmed, AFRAID, doesn’t make you weak…it is what you do next that becomes your story.  Do you become a victim of woe is me or do you keep moving, find gratitude and live your life, human, vulnerable and strong?

How do you begin reframing what you believe and your behaviors? I’ll share with you what I discovered. My magic powers I’ve used for years…

First you become aware.  Then you create an intention.  How do you want to embrace your life or a specific aspect of it.  Stick with something that stretches your comfort zone and yet you believe it is possible.  Sometimes it is your intention that helps grow your awareness.  And then develop an affirmation, an I am statement.  Something in your own words that you desire and can believe.  Both your intention and affirmation may be works in progress.  That is absolutely okay. 

And finally, gratitude.  When I live in gratitude, my fears are quieter.  It doesn’t mean they don’t exist, but fear doesn’t get so loud that it controls my life.  And when it does, I discover I have forgotten my gratitude.

I realize this may sound too easy or possibly lame depending on your perspective.  All I know is it works.  It works in my life.  And I have the incredible delight of witnessing it change the lives of my clients.

I sit in gratitude almost daily focusing on an intention and affirmation to guide me or grow me that day.  And sometimes I have the same intentions and affirmations for a few weeks as I allow myself to change.  My gratitude notebook goes everywhere with me in my purse.  When I feel something, I write it down.  And when I’m struggling, it helps me remember.  Some days it might be gratitude that I am breathing or the sun is shining. 

I realize this seems so simple. How could something this simple change your life? Try it consistently and watch yourself soar.  And if you dare enough to try it, write to me and tell me how your life is changing.  I want to dance in celebration for you and with you.   

 

How do you Dance in the Rain?

Doubt means “a feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction.”  Even today I have moments of doubt.  I sometimes struggle with things I cannot control namely other peoples free will.  This is more than evident as I parent our wonderful little boy as he is healing from PTSD.  And sometimes after a struggle with something uncontrollable,  do you notice your fears enticing your feelings of self doubt.   As in my past, I witness my clients experiencing the same struggle of doubts and stuck feelings sometimes daily.  Those days I experience what I call M3 (Marni Meltdown Moment/s)where my fear has gotten hold of me and negative talk creeps in.  It happens to all of us at one point or another.  So what do you do to help yourself through it?  How do you DANCE in the Rain?

I wish I had a magic wand to wave and say…POOF, all is peaceful and healed.  While I don’t have a wand, I have 6 Simple, yet extraordinary solutions that changed my life (I still use them today) and change my clients lives:

These first 3 I named, The Daily 3.  Gratitude, Intention, Affirmation: listing 3 under each.

  1. Daily Gratitude:  I know everyone these days is talking about gratitude and gratitude is “trending”. Did you ever think it is gaining steam around the globe because it is working?  Daily say out loud/write down in a gratitude notebook what you are grateful for.  Struggle to come up with new ones each day.  What happens? Your vibes begin rising and when you are experiencing a delightful day, you’ll get higher.  Yet when you experience an M3 day, gratitude begins raising your vibes moving away from stuck or negativity.   I’ll get you started with a few: I am grateful for the air I breathe, my family, my friends, my body, my sanctuary aka home, my clients, the sun and its beautiful shine today…and more (keep going)
  2. Daily Intention: Intentions are a guide, a map of where you want to go or how you want to be.  Without a map or an intention, you may still get there or somewhere near OR you may end up in a completely different place. How many times have you said or heard: “I’m sorry that wasn’t my intention.” What did you intend? Intention is mindful.  It brings to your mind, body and spirit the way you want to engage and interact with the world, your relationships, and yourself.  Here is one to get you started: I intend to speak with kindness and honesty from my heart both to myself and people I encounter (this includes in person, on the phone and email).   While this is typically how I roll anyway, my conscious intention keeps it fresh even when I begin feeling fear or negativity enter.  I intend to stay focused today is another one I like.  I sometimes get distracted by the shiny things, emails, etc. So focus for me and naming it helps me stay accountable to myself.
  3. Daily Affirmation: I love these so much I do them when I wake up and before bed.  Affirmations are what or who I am even if some of it is still in the want stage and I’m not fully there believing it yet.  You have to be able to believe your affirmation is possible.  That is super important.  And they are always done from a positive voice.  Here are a few for you: I am perfect health, I am grounded & balanced, I am happy, I am lighter.
  4. Daily Meditation: Meditation doesn’t have to be what you think.  Meditation can rewire your brain.  Science is proving it.  You don’t have to sit if that isn’t your thing.  There are so many ways to make this work in your lifestyle.  I have worked with clients who meditate washing dishes, running, mowing the lawn and more.  This is about time for you.  Your mind will not shut off, but you will give your ego mind permission to quiet with gratitude so your heart and intuition can be heard more easily.  Those moments give you clarity, raise your vibe, can help you sleep, can help lower pressure and more.  Give yourself at least 3 minutes.  And when you have more time expand it longer.  For me, meditation smooth’s me out and raises my vibes.  The clarity I gain helps me see even more possibilities for situations.
  5. Daily Love of myself:  Daily love is naming 3 things you love about yourself.  I love my laugh, my eyes and my big heart.  This was harder for me in the beginning.  My eyes was the first thing I could name and it felt awkward at the beginning like I was conceited.  Yet, I easily complimented my friends and family, even strangers about themselves.  So struggle through this and don’t give up.  If you were meeting you, what would you love?
  6. Daily Body moving & self care: Get up off the sofa.  You don’t have to run a marathon or do a heavy work out.  Go for a walk around the block.  Walk at a swift pace through your house, the mall, a parking lot, etc.  Do yoga at home or in community.  Ask a friend to walk dogs with you, etc.  Park a little further away from the store and walk extra.  And then get dressed, shower and nourish your body.  Each of these things will raise your vibes.  Even if you start out stomping, the oxygen to your blood will help those happy endorphins begin to create in your body.

Whether your feeling stuck daily and doubting yourself daily or you just have moments.  These 6 extraordinary solutions will change your life if you are daring enough to commit and eager to feel better.

If you are one of those daring, eager and committed souls and you are ready move toward grabbing happiness by the arm everyday and leaving stuck, doubt and pain behind and maybe your ready to start a meditation practice or take yours up a notch, then we should talk.  Sign up for a complimentary call with me.  I want to know what you are ready to leave behind and what you are ready to walk through the door towards and how what I do can support and help you.

YES, I want to Heal My Sh#t, please call me (complete this form)

Please tune in tomorrow at 9am Eastern & join us in the conversation. You will learn, laugh & be inspired to grow.

Are you familiar with the word chakra and what it is? I invite you to join my touching and sometimes humorous conversation about chakras with Paula Vail of For the Love of Reiki.

Source: https://www.voiceamerica.com/episode/95900/chakras

Self-Esteem: Reclaiming Yours

Feeling stuck or in pain sucks. Gaining awareness is the first step in healing your self-esteem and living life in happiness. Join me tomorrow morning, November 15th at 9am Eastern, for a real and vulnerable conversation with my friend, Nami Nesterowicz. You will be so glad you did. And while you are listening call us. We want to hear from you. 1-866-472-5792. #selfesteem #love

 

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Heal Your Sh#t with Marni

Tuesday at 6 AM Pacific

November 15, 2016: Self-Esteem Healing: Reclaiming Yours

Join me and my friend and Master Healer, Nami in our heart tugging and at times playful conversation about healing self-esteem. I’ll share the 7 Habits indicating your self-esteem needs healing; Become part of our conversation as Nami and I share our own stories and tools we used to shift and reclaim our own self-esteem. Tune in and call us we want to hear from you and hear your questions.



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https://www.voiceamerica.com/episode/95549/self-esteem-healing-reclaiming-yours

 

Did God abandon me?

Have you ever felt lost and abandoned by what you trust, what you know, who you know and what keeps you feeling comfortable in your own skin?

As a young child I soared with happiness.  I lived authentically and in a big way with big energy. I trusted me and the world. I felt connected like an umbilical cord to everything.  And then my world changed.

Thinking back to it, it didn’t seem traumatic.  When I was 8 we moved.  Moved away from friends and family, schools, neighborhood, everything I knew and had known most of my life.   We landed in a place where we knew no one.  They spoke differently. My sister and I were the only Jewish kids in our elementary school. I have an unusual name, Marni, which stuck out. My hair was white blond (and stuck out). I have a loud laugh too.   Not long after we moved, I began developing so I stuck out physically too, as this was early.

Couple me sticking out to even more changes: our new house was broken into and robbed 2 months after we moved in; my Dad was traveling ALOT and no longer home each night; there was a killer in the new county we lived in that was abducting white blonde headed kids, raping and killing them.  That last one panicked my parents.  So instead of enjoying the freedom I had grown up with leaving my house with friends and riding my bike all day.  I was able to go about a block away.  If I went further there had to be a destination and a phone call home when I arrived.

And finally, my new school was a big change from an open room school where I had been working at my own pace and soaring academically to one classroom learning at the same pace as my peers.

Lots of change, right? Feeling free changed. Feeling safe changed.  Feeling accepted changed. Feeling loved changed.  And then the bullying began.   I don’t recall all the particulars.  One day it was my hair.  One day it was my new larger breasts or that I wore a bra.  Two boys threatened to beat me up on the playground because I was Jewish.  Girls who had been my “friends” no longer played with me at recess and either ignored me or joined in with the bullies.

I told my parents and felt shame that I wasn’t having the happy experience I felt they expected.  My parents are loving people and care about me.  They are not perfect.  They told me if I ignored it, the bullying would stop.  It didn’t.  They were getting more and more brutal.  I went to the principal of the school.  He listened to me, told me to develop a thicker skin and try to ignore it.  I began feeling unimportant and invisible. I no longer felt connected.

I began to change. I withdrew.  I escaped into books, writing and tennis.  The outgoing fun loving  social child became quiet and introverted.  The message in my energy was PLEASE DON”T SEE ME.  If you don’t see me, you won’t be mean to me.  I was filled with negative self-talk about my own lack of worth.

Yet, I was angry.  I felt abandoned by everyone in my life that helped me feel secure and safe to be my true happy self including and especially God.

How could God allow this to happen to me? I wondered: If we are all parts of God, how can this be happening?  My self worth was crushed.  I felt invisible to those that could help me and targeted by the kids.  I prayed every way I knew for this punishing experience to end.  Remember I was 8, 9 years old, just a year older than my son is today.   Over time with all that was so out of control in my life and  pushing my feelings to numb, I became bulimic and developed amnesia of sorts.

As I grew up, I healed pieces of me over time.  I sought treatment for my bulimia and that was the first big step in releasing the anger I felt and living more like true Marni.  Learning meditation at treatment uncorked a big chunk of my amnesia and I began remembering who I had been before we moved.    As I healed each of these pieces, I thought this is the BIG ONE.  The one that would bring real Marni back to life completely.

Don’t get me wrong.  I changed a lot after treatment.  The outgoing free and happy Marni began returning.  I began talking to God again. I lived happier and happier.  I met an amazing man that became my best friend and husband.  Yet as much as I understood his love for me, I still questioned it and didn’t fully trust it.  My lack of trust showed up many times an issue escalated between us, I believed he would leave me.  He didn’t say this, yet I went there.

By the time I became aware and owned this was a pattern in me, I stepped into my life as a healer and believed strongly in my connection to the Universe and God and even divine reasons for life experiences. And I couldn’t understand why I didn’t feel completely authentic.  Something wasn’t getting through.

BOOM.  Hit over the head.  That is how I felt this past summer when my hubs and I had a big misunderstanding.  I discovered he kept something from me financially.  I went right to my distrust place and assumed he did it with the intent of leaving me.  Fortunately, I searched within me for other possibilities before I went overboard. I learned what he had done was to support me fulfilling my life purpose in the best way he knew how because he believed in me and my ability to help others.  OY.

Why did I go there?  It goes back to my 8/9 year old experiences.  I NEVER grieved for feeling abandoned in my life.  I shut down. Not abandoned by people only, I never grieved for feeling abandoned by God.  The anger I carried around was unconscious anger towards God for the pain and suffering of my childhood and not understanding why I “deserved” it.    Becoming aware of these feelings and their depth rocked my world.  How could I help others and believe all I believe and feel this way?   And yet I did.

My new awareness forged a deeper spiritual connection in me.  I almost always trusted easily on the surface.  Now my trust is much deeper.  I believe everything happens for a reason or as my Grams always said “Out of Shit, You get Flowers”.  And as I look back on my life, God never abandoned me, I abandoned me when my world flipped upside down.  I let go of my faith.

This past summer rocked my world within every aspect of my life.  Nothing went untouched.  Again my faith was tested.  I questioned if I truly believed what I believe and if I did, how could I question it?   I went back to basics of what I know about energy, chakras, faith, love and growth.  I learned: Questioning what you believe is okay.  It doesn’t mean you no longer believe them.  It actually strengthens your belief and your faith. I know when life feels really tough and super yucky, look out, the pain is growth. No different than a kid’s leg or arm growing.  Is it what I would choose? No.  Would you?

Yet believing in my connection to God, that everything happens for a reason and somehow I’m always taken care of…. have gotten me through the most challenging 9 months of my life.  I know when I ask for help it is heard and I give up control as to how and when that help shows up for me.  I do not feel isolated and alone.  I feel connected.

Lovingly Lotus