So the other day I was sharing a story my son’s day at camp with a friend. And she was struck by the way he handled a conflict with a friend.
A day or two before Eli had been called a name by this friend. He handled the conflicts as most 9 year olds would and even lots of us adults. He was upset. So he got a counselor involved.
The next day he and the friend kind of avoided each other. And Eli was still upset thinking the friend didn’t like him anymore.
I’m so grateful he shares this with me and Marc so we can counsel him. So I asked him a few questions:
- What is the story you are writing? You know the one I mean? The one that hasn’t happened yet. The one that is projecting from your Ego/FearVoice/Inner Critic?
*Writing a story or ASSUMING what will happen shifts your energy and the energy of the situation. REMEMBER: Energy follows Energy
This type of thinking can bring about increased stress, anxiety, depression, anger and yet- NOTHING has happened YET.
Try not to be mad at the fear voice. It is only trying to protect you and keep you safe. Instead give it gratitude. Thank it for having your back. And then tell it. I’m SAFE. Please get quieter so I can hear my Heart/Intuitive voice.
This is the voice that won’t steer you wrong. It leads from LOVE.
Now Eli, had already decided his friend was done with him. They were not friends. And he decided that if Eli approached the friend he would not be received.
So we role played with each other and with his stuffed animals. We did some silly ones, some funny ones, some angry ones and some positive outcome ones. And Eli began to see the story hadn’t been written… YET.
2. The next question I asked him “What from your past hurts is feeding your worries. ” Can you think of another time when you felt this same way? OR When the story you are writing came true?
Now Eli has been doing a tremendous healing around an incident that happened a couple of years ago when a man in charge of his Tae Kwon Do after school program physically threatened him. So he was able to speak his feelings about this AND the bullying by the older kids in the program who tortured him while the adult provided no protection or solace.
He connected TRUST and his own CONFIDENCE were the wounds contributing to the story writing.
3. Next I asked him: Where is your power when you write these stories? Where is your trust and confidence?
He is so cute. He said “Mommy, I give away my power when I don’t trust myself and God to help me and that makes me feel not confident. And Mommy, you taught me energy follows energy. So I’m bringing my energy down when I could TRUST myself and God which will give me the power and confidence to do something different.”
I have to admit my eyes welled up with tears at this point. It has been a short, yet long 2 year journey filled with some scary shit. So to hear him say all this was beautiful and such a testament to his amazingness and the POWER LOVE has in healing.
4. We spoke about his options of what he could do the next day. All of it being his choice. Do nothing. Ask a counselor to help him speak with the friend. Speak with the friend on his own using a powerful technique called “I statements”. And more.
BEFORE making this decision, I asked him to sit with this. Think back to the time you’ve spent with this friend BEFORE the conflict. Is this someone you really enjoyed? Did you feed each other’s energy? Did you have fun? Was there a mutual respect until the conflict? And if you could have the outcome you desire, what would it be?
Marc and I told him this was his to decide and there was NO right and NO wrong. We’ve both tried many of these things with great outcomes and shitty outcomes. He had to really feel this out.
So here is what he did: He found the friend and asked if they could speak (BIG ASS COURAGE for my guy). The friend agreed.
Then Eli used the POWER of “I” statements.
When you do _____
I feel _____
Because ____ (vulnerable)_____
Self reflective share
And then he gave his friend an opportunity to do the same. Though at 9, his friend didn’t know what to do. So he asked Eli if they could move forward and be friends. And Eli being the forgiving soul he is, said YES. And off they went.
The “I” statement takes the sting out of confrontation while you stay in your power during a conflict. And provides an easy to maneuver conversation aiding in coming to resolution. All involved are seen and heard through this SUPER POWER tool.
The keys in conflict is know you are getting stirred up by your wounds, your fears. If possible finding space to calm, breathe and discern the answers to the questions I asked Eli will help you process.
And the “I” statement during confrontation, conflict, in the heat of the moment…helps empower you and the other person. It keeps you from going below the belt and provides the beginning of a map to communicating through the conflict and synergizing a solution. And that takes the STING out.
Look, none of us is perfect. And we aren’t here in this life to be perfect. It’s about learning, experiencing and loving while we are here. You are going to make mistakes, you are going to make bad choices. You can drown in them or choose to learn from them.
Free will baby, it’s all about choice.
What is love? What is happiness?
This is what was on my mind after I meditated this morning. So today I’m going to free write my answers and share them with you. Why? Because I believe these are the 2 most important topics of life. And I’m on a mission to help bring more love into the world. So here goes:
Happiness comes from love. Happiness is something that you create in your mind and in your heart. You tap into it even on the days you feel like your world is crashing down around you. Happiness doesn’t mean you always have a smile plastered to your face. It is a state of being. Knowing in your mind and in your heart that even when the shit hits the fan and you are sad or angry about life happenings, somehow you still feel happiness inside you and in your life.
That may sound weird to some people. Maybe to everyone. Maybe it doesn’t even sound real. But it is. I know. I have been that person with life crashing down and not knowing what to do and feeling overwhelmed and yet I still knew I am a happy person dealing with some uncomfortable or shitty situations. It sounds weird rereading what I wrote..maybe even unreal.
How do I better explain? Happiness doesn’t mean I never get mad or sad. It doesn’t mean that I don’t cry or feel pain. I do. Yet somehow I also have hope and faith. I struggle with my hope and faith at times and I have my pity parties and get my dark emotions out and yet I still turn around and know I am happy.
Maybe it is because I know that the discomfort I am going through is temporary even when it feels like it is going on forever. I don’t know when it works out or how but I trust somehow it works out for my greatest good. That doesn’t mean I sit and watch my life go by. I actively participate supporting my intentions and life affirmations bringing about life prosperity. Yet Shit happens. It does. I cannot control anyone or everything. Each of us has free will.
I live most days in gratitude, yet I have moments and days I fall off the wagon. And still I consider myself happy.
Five ways to know you are happy: Keep in mind this is about consistency and NOT PERFECTION.
- You smile from the inside out: not necessarily daily more like consistently and not like it is plastered to your face and fake. A real joyful smile coming from inside you and emanating out of you. So much so, you don’t even realize you are smiling at times and people naturally smile back at you.
- Even when you are going through difficult times, you have hope that your life will get better.
- You can see and accept yourself warts and all most of the time and you give this same acceptance to your inner circle of loved ones.
- You consistently laugh. Maybe not daily, but almost everyday you find something amusing. Laughter is hugely important to happiness
- You live life in the present and enjoy. Worrying creates more to worry about and doesn’t change anything. Just take action where you can.
So if Happiness comes from love, what is love? Love for me is the feeling of acceptance and pure delight. It is loving my imperfections and all of me which makes me, ME. And doing the same for other people. Does that mean I like everything about everyone? No, not even myself. And yet, I accept those things I dislike about myself and about people I love because I love them. I’m not talking about things that hurt people, drastic stuff. I’m talking about the imperfections that make us human and at times drive us crazy, if we allow it. Some of it is how we choose to experience it. There was a time in my life I would say if only ____ would change ____, then we would be happier. That is NOT an example of acceptance or DEEP LOVE.
That is the thinking that keeps us stuck and in the same motions over and over and over. Living out repetitive patterns in many of our relationships. YUCK.
Love for myself: I am my best friend. I enjoy time with me. I am loud and big energy. I love to laugh. I have a sharp tongue, very little filter, a “truck driver’s mouth” and a sharp temper all with my HUGE heart. My loved ones know, I will drop anything to be there for you. I trust easily until it is broken and then it is hard for me to trust again. I’m getting better at forgiveness. My son is great at it and I’m learning from him. Boundaries with strangers are super easy; with loved ones they are harder, yet they are necessary to take care of me. I am in a progressive state of love with my body after many years of war. I love my hair and the way my green eyes change color. I love not looking my age. I’m NOT PERFECT. I aim to do the best I can and be the best me I can be at any given moment and that changes from time to time. I love me. And saying that and meaning it down to my core, makes me happy.
I agree with the Dali Lama about life. Life for me is about the journey of love and happiness.
Words are soooo powerful.
When I was a kid my Grandma and my Dad used to call me the “da greser” and my sister “da kleyner”. Pronounced: (dah graseh = long A and lightly rolled “r”) and (dah klayneh = long A). Loosely translated Greser is Yiddish for bigger, older, greater while Kleyner was little, younger, smaller.
Well at the time, I learned the meanings of these words, I was not in love with me. So what I heard was the BIGGER sister and the SMALLER sister. Oy vey! Those words had HUGE power over me and I heard and took all this to mean I was FAT, HUGE, BIG, LARGE.
Here is a picture of me at that time, standing behind a friend’s younger brother.
Words HAVE POWER. Did my family mean for me to believe I was BIG and FAT? No. But what you say to yourself has HUGE power and how you CHOOSE, yes, CHOOSE, to take in the words from people (especially ones you care about) have huge power over you too.
I defined myself at this point in my life as the BIG one, the FAT one even when I wasn’t FAT.
My parents and grandparents loved me, adored me. They had ZERO intention of hurting me or saying anything that would derail me or have such a negative impact in my life. But there was a lot going on in my young 8-9 year old life and the free spirit I had been just a year before disappeared quickly.
Here is a pic during a recent adventure with the love of my life . I’m definitely larger. The difference between how I saw myself then and now? I am in love with me. I’m happy. I’m beautiful. I love my body. I take care of myself meditating, exercising and mostly eating nutritiously and I’m healthy. I live in gratitude (most days). I would definitely love to release some weight yet I live my life enjoying the journey and not waiting for that day of what used to be my belief of “perfection”.
How do you get there? You learn how to use the power of words to help YOU fall in love with yourself. It doesn’t mean you’ll never have a bad day or get triggered. What it means is you are so in love with yourself you can keep going even after you stumble or fall. You show yourself compassion. You become aware of the words you think about yourself and how you speak TO yourself and about yourself.
I’m real about what I ‘m super great at and what is just not my strong suit. Yet, I don’t say I SUCK at _____. I do my best and ask for help when I need it. We all have our unique abilities and areas of day to day living where ya just need support. It’s really okay.
Read these out loud with enthusiasm and make note of how you feel saying each one:
I love you!
I hate you!
Your tush is too big!
You are soo skinny.
You are gorgeous!
You are loud.
That wasn’t nice.
You are so sweet.
I suck at this.
You are powerful.
You are the big sister.
You are the older sister.
What did you notice? Did you feel better with the compliments? OR did you struggle to believe them? Did you dislike the put downs or feel agreement with them?
Now try this one. Loud and Proud. Say: I am in love with me!
Can you say it out loud? Can you smile when saying it? Do you believe it? In your head? In your heart?
I hear friends, family and client’s talk about themselves sometimes and just feel for them cringing as I hear the way they put themselves down unconsciously or deflect sincere compliments. Those are sure signs you may not be in love with you. And I often ask if they would speak to someone else that way. Almost everyone says NO WAY! “So what makes it okay to speak to yourself like that?”
Do any of these sound familiar:
- Filled with self doubt (often or compartmentalized consistently)
- Looking for love outside of you to fill you up and make you feel whole (emotionally and sexually)
- Difficulty having and holding boundaries
- Difficulty receiving compliments
- Addicted to Drama or drama follows you constantly
- Speak down to yourself or about yourself
- complain often
If you said yes to any of these (I used to say yes to them all so don’t be shy here), most likely you are not in love with yourself.
Lack of love for yourself has the POWER to change your life. Let’s rephrase that: Falling in Love with yourself has the SUPER POWER to change your life; shift how you feel inside and out; change how you experience day to day living situations and relationships.
The power of words is one SUPER TOOL I use in collaboration with powerful energetic healing to help clients begin falling love with themselves.
You were born as part of love and so you are LOVE. As you grow, you hear words and learn about conditions and you create beliefs about yourself that are not true. You can reframe these self laws and change them. You have the POWER!!
Begin one word at a time. Set an intention to become aware of how you speak to yourself (and how you think about yourself). Get real. Be honest. Awareness is a HUGE key in the work I do. You cannot change what you are NOT aware of.
Once you are aware of it, change can begin. Pick ONE belief at a time. Change it. Reframe it so it is stretching your system making you a little uncomfortable and yet you see the possibility of it being true. And work with that one until you believe in your heart and soul your new belief . And then keep going taking it deeper.
It is SO possible. I am living proof as are my clients.
I know you will see and feel changes in your life and your experiences. You will create a feeling of lightness filled with joy.
And should you want support, I am here for you. I am on a mission to help as many people as I can fall in love with themselves. So I invite you to connect with me and ask. It is a attribute of strength to know when you need support and ask for it.
I LOVE YOU!!
I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!
With Love and Gratitude,
I am always the strong one. At least that is the illusion I told myself. I am the one who remains clear headed and calm while the chaos ensues around me. I’m the one that handles the crisis during the crisis. The cost is I don’t get to my feelings until much later after the chaos becomes calm.
After the crisis and before I get to my feelings, I am cranky, bitchy, nitpicky. And when I let loose, it is like my insides are falling out of me. I cry tears that could fill the oceans. I sob out loud and I just let go. And man, am I tired when I’m finished. It takes so much energy to hold up the world and keep it together when I just want to cry in that moment. But if I did, then I wouldn’t be the strong one. Or would I?
This is how I grew up. This was the role I created for myself. My unique ability. My “look at me and what I can do talent”. The action I took for approval and love. What I felt I had to do to be loved. Yet, I was already loved. Loved before conception, loved the second I was conceived, the moment I came into this body on this earth. I am love.
Somewhere along the way, I learned being dependable was strong and approved (approval = love) and showing lots of emotion was judged as weak. So, funny, I live my life in a colorful world mixing colors constantly. Yet for this huge decision, I looked at only 2 choices, black or white. My fear erased color and with it possibilities.
I did such a good job playing my “strong one” role that when I shared my feelings with loved ones and began taking off my mask, they responded with “you can handle it, you are strong”. Often, that made me super angry to hear. I wanted the perceived nurturing I saw going to the “weak”. The rescuing. I wanted to be rescued.
And so I tried my hand at being a victim. I didn’t get the reaction I wanted. I received tough words and tough love. And that made me angry and kicked off more fears about me not being loved. A self-fulfilling prophecy?
Life is about possibilities, endless possibilities. Today I am still great in a crisis with my feelings hanging out or running down my face. I allowed myself to see other possibilities. I no longer have HUGE releases after a crisis that drain me of energy. I gave myself permission to feel in the moment. I am the strong one because I allow myself to feel and express my vulnerability without becoming a victim.
And I am grateful for this beautiful awareness. I am grateful for the times I believed in the illusion. And I am so grateful to know the difference. This awareness I pass on to my son. Feel your feelings, acknowledge them. Crying is a release. Admitting you are sad, frustrated, angry, overwhelmed, AFRAID, doesn’t make you weak…it is what you do next that becomes your story. Do you become a victim of woe is me or do you keep moving, find gratitude and live your life, human, vulnerable and strong?
How do you begin reframing what you believe and your behaviors? I’ll share with you what I discovered. My magic powers I’ve used for years…
First you become aware. Then you create an intention. How do you want to embrace your life or a specific aspect of it. Stick with something that stretches your comfort zone and yet you believe it is possible. Sometimes it is your intention that helps grow your awareness. And then develop an affirmation, an I am statement. Something in your own words that you desire and can believe. Both your intention and affirmation may be works in progress. That is absolutely okay.
And finally, gratitude. When I live in gratitude, my fears are quieter. It doesn’t mean they don’t exist, but fear doesn’t get so loud that it controls my life. And when it does, I discover I have forgotten my gratitude.
I realize this may sound too easy or possibly lame depending on your perspective. All I know is it works. It works in my life. And I have the incredible delight of witnessing it change the lives of my clients.
I sit in gratitude almost daily focusing on an intention and affirmation to guide me or grow me that day. And sometimes I have the same intentions and affirmations for a few weeks as I allow myself to change. My gratitude notebook goes everywhere with me in my purse. When I feel something, I write it down. And when I’m struggling, it helps me remember. Some days it might be gratitude that I am breathing or the sun is shining.
I realize this seems so simple. How could something this simple change your life? Try it consistently and watch yourself soar. And if you dare enough to try it, write to me and tell me how your life is changing. I want to dance in celebration for you and with you.
What am I going to write about? The time I struggled and showed my ass by behaving like I’d lost my mind? There are moments I feel like I’m part of the circus or better yet starring in a sit-com. My life is far from always being full of laughter though we laugh a lot in our family.
I get tired of taking everything so seriously. So I put on a pair of “TV glasses” and see what each situation I’m worried about, frustrated with, pissed about, and enjoying would like through the camera of a sit-com.
I discovered this solution when Eli was an infant. I was alone and changing his diaper. He stuck one foot in poop, then another, then his hand. Somehow it got on my hands too. I was by myself at home. And as a new mom, I began to panic. How do I figure this out? How do I get my son and myself clean without getting poop everywhere. Every idea I thought of resulted in me seeing my son ending up falling to the floor. All the tools I needed were in other rooms, The thought of carrying poop from room to room with a dog and three cats standing by to enter the fray filled me with more anxiety. My body tensed and tightened. And then Eli began to cry. Big surprise, right? And then as he wriggled in more poop, for a split second I imagined my reaction if I was watching this on TV. What was the big deal? And I began to laugh. And as I laughed and my body loosened, Eli calmed and smiled. I have no idea how, but somehow I cleaned us both pretty quickly and easily. And from then on, I pulled out my “TV Glasses” during life situations. Any caregivers out there ever experience similar situations?
Which brings me to a few days ago when again I was struggling, frustrated and a little scared. Instead of picturing the sitcom, I cried. I disagreed with my producer for my upcoming radio show and participated in unnecessary arguing drama. I was not fit for human consumption and I felt it in my body. I reflected on all my “life plates” I keep spinning, my to dos. Are these life or death “plates”? Nope. What will happen if I don’t get EVERYTHING done? Nothing. What am I afraid of?
Truth? Falling on my face which is FAILING. Yet even as I say that most of me is not afraid. I know in the deepest part of me, even if I fall on my face there is a reason. I know the experience will provide me with an opportunity. Now truth be told. It isn’t comfortable to fail. So I don’t know of anyone who runs out and says Yes, I’ll choose Failure. What I know is if I don’t choose change, which comes with risks, and pushing out of what is comfortable, I stay stuck.
Complacency becomes another word for stuck. Don’t make waves. Status quo. Don’t ask a tough question because of what might happen. Did you know stuck means you don’t get to experience the fantabulous either?
Self-esteem plays a huge role in your willingness to embrace change. Change can have ALOT of unknown and unfamiliar feelings and factors. So of course complacency will feel better in some aspects because you know it. And you know your outcomes even if they are painful.
So here I go taking another leap: 1) I premiered my radio show heard globally 2) I stopped part of my business marketing which I believed until recently was the largest draw for meeting new clients. I do not know what I’m doing next to grow my community. I trust it will be revealed soon (there was a bit of GULP the first time I said that) 3) I am continuing to lovingly detach as a parent (more on this in future articles). Providing my son opportunities to grow and fail (as safely as I can) 4) I am visibly emerging with live videos on social media, radio, joint ventures with other healers 5) I am learning how to do my radio show from my computer and all the mechanics and marketing (there are at least 10 things here I don’t know) 6) I am allowing in my relationship with Marc instead of listening to the voice telling me to “drive the train”. With more leaping each week and sometimes daily.
And while some days it feels harder and some days I fail. I am still happy everyday. And more and more consistently, I feel an ease and a joy. I feel a freedom like I did as a kid riding my bike super fast with the wind blowing my hair kicking my feet out as I went down a huge hill and yelling WHEEEEEEE!!!
With Love and Gratitude,
I clearly heard words from Tom Petty: “I’m learning to fly. But I ain’t got wings.”
What does this mean? I’m learning to fly and soar. I don’t have wings and yet I can fly anyway. When I’m high and soaring in my power, I used to bring myself down because I felt somehow I didn’t deserve my joy or success.
This was a pattern, a rollercoaster in my life. Up, down, up, down. Plain exhausting and frustrating. I couldn’t figure it out. I thought I was doing ALL THE RIGHT THINGS. And yet, somewhere in me lurked this feeling of “I didn’t deserve” or “I am a fraud”. Have you ever sabotaged your success?
It came out in my relationships, my marriage, my parenting, my business and my weight/nutrition/exercise. It consistently showed up while I was “on a roll”.
This was, of course, after working on and healing my lack of self-esteem. I love myself. I am confident. I lead a fairly balanced life. I take time for self care. Yes, I’m not perfect but I was no longer this person who felt unworthy.
It didn’t make sense to me on an energetic level either. I know what I feel and think affects my vibes. I know my vibes attracts people and experiences into my life. So if you are soaring, how could I begin to fall?
So I immediately recognized my pattern and thought “What is going on? I am so done with this sh#t already. Why is THIS coming up?” And the more I didn’t want to look at it, the more often I repeated the pattern. And I got pissed. Do you ever think “why does this keep happening?” OR “I’m tired of this.”
I’ve never been one who likes to REDO things (unless they are what I deem SUPER FUN). So imagine how much I really wanted to repeat the same pattern OVER and OVER? Nada! What an energy drain. Right?
This is what happens when I am not paying attention or not wanting to pay attention to messages in my life. The message for me in hearing this song: Marni, it is time to Heal and FREE yourself of this cycle. Shifting my beliefs, my feelings and my vibes. How did I know this? I heard it through my spirit, my intuitive trust and gifts (that is another story).
You might be confused at this point. I sure was. Didn’t I already heal my sh#t? Well, yes and yes. Healing is like a snake’s skin. It comes about in layers. You shed a layer when you are ready to evolve, grow or just experience life from a new and/or deeper perspective, seeing more possibilities, expanding your comfort zone and letting go of what no longer serves you with gratitude for what it provided.
The old me would’ve already been in Numbland by this point. Either binging and purging when I was bulimic or just doing anything I could NOT to feel all this discomfort. My energy was plummeting. And believe me, I wanted to run and hide from what was clearly in my face. And that was when I CHOSE to lean in more.
What? Lean into my resistance? Embrace discomfort? Doesn’t that sound like something easy and fun? Ha!
And yet, once I did, it wasn’t as hard as I thought. And I could feel my energy physically and emotionally shift.
First you become aware. Aware of what I was afraid of. And I learned as I expand my comfort zone, I will still come across my own fear because I am experiencing something new, different, at the edge of my zone. Yet with feeling secure in who I am, my fear doesn’t feel as large (most of the time). Once I became aware (using tools I’ve created or learned) and embraced what I was feeling, its power began to fade.
Do I still have the rollercoaster? Once in awhile, yes, it sneaks up. Most of the time no. And even now when I find myself about to take a trip down a huge hill, I feel so differently about who I am today compared to yesterday. I now see so many possibilities. With the knowledge of possibilities and of course meditating almost daily I feel peace inside and more easily or more quickly shift my energy.
Does peace mean the voice inside is quiet. No. It isn’t quiet in here inside me. It is very noisy and yet I learned how to create peace inside the tumult. Add in a little energy healing and I’m feeling better already.
So often you don’t want to be honest with yourself because it feels painful and scary and that just feeds the power of fear and leaves you feeling powerless, full of self-doubt and scared. Basically STUCK.
Joining the Self-Esteem Revolution was the greatest gift I gave and continue giving myself. I highly recommend it. I learned to fly and soar without wings and how to sustain consistently while looking at what scares me most. It is so freeing!!! Join me!!!