So the other day I was sharing a story my son’s day at camp with a friend. And she was struck by the way he handled a conflict with a friend.
A day or two before Eli had been called a name by this friend. He handled the conflicts as most 9 year olds would and even lots of us adults. He was upset. So he got a counselor involved.
The next day he and the friend kind of avoided each other. And Eli was still upset thinking the friend didn’t like him anymore.
I’m so grateful he shares this with me and Marc so we can counsel him. So I asked him a few questions:
- What is the story you are writing? You know the one I mean? The one that hasn’t happened yet. The one that is projecting from your Ego/FearVoice/Inner Critic?
*Writing a story or ASSUMING what will happen shifts your energy and the energy of the situation. REMEMBER: Energy follows Energy
This type of thinking can bring about increased stress, anxiety, depression, anger and yet- NOTHING has happened YET.
Try not to be mad at the fear voice. It is only trying to protect you and keep you safe. Instead give it gratitude. Thank it for having your back. And then tell it. I’m SAFE. Please get quieter so I can hear my Heart/Intuitive voice.
This is the voice that won’t steer you wrong. It leads from LOVE.
Now Eli, had already decided his friend was done with him. They were not friends. And he decided that if Eli approached the friend he would not be received.
So we role played with each other and with his stuffed animals. We did some silly ones, some funny ones, some angry ones and some positive outcome ones. And Eli began to see the story hadn’t been written… YET.
2. The next question I asked him “What from your past hurts is feeding your worries. ” Can you think of another time when you felt this same way? OR When the story you are writing came true?
Now Eli has been doing a tremendous healing around an incident that happened a couple of years ago when a man in charge of his Tae Kwon Do after school program physically threatened him. So he was able to speak his feelings about this AND the bullying by the older kids in the program who tortured him while the adult provided no protection or solace.
He connected TRUST and his own CONFIDENCE were the wounds contributing to the story writing.
3. Next I asked him: Where is your power when you write these stories? Where is your trust and confidence?
He is so cute. He said “Mommy, I give away my power when I don’t trust myself and God to help me and that makes me feel not confident. And Mommy, you taught me energy follows energy. So I’m bringing my energy down when I could TRUST myself and God which will give me the power and confidence to do something different.”
I have to admit my eyes welled up with tears at this point. It has been a short, yet long 2 year journey filled with some scary shit. So to hear him say all this was beautiful and such a testament to his amazingness and the POWER LOVE has in healing.
4. We spoke about his options of what he could do the next day. All of it being his choice. Do nothing. Ask a counselor to help him speak with the friend. Speak with the friend on his own using a powerful technique called “I statements”. And more.
BEFORE making this decision, I asked him to sit with this. Think back to the time you’ve spent with this friend BEFORE the conflict. Is this someone you really enjoyed? Did you feed each other’s energy? Did you have fun? Was there a mutual respect until the conflict? And if you could have the outcome you desire, what would it be?
Marc and I told him this was his to decide and there was NO right and NO wrong. We’ve both tried many of these things with great outcomes and shitty outcomes. He had to really feel this out.
So here is what he did: He found the friend and asked if they could speak (BIG ASS COURAGE for my guy). The friend agreed.
Then Eli used the POWER of “I” statements.
When you do _____
I feel _____
Because ____ (vulnerable)_____
Self reflective share
And then he gave his friend an opportunity to do the same. Though at 9, his friend didn’t know what to do. So he asked Eli if they could move forward and be friends. And Eli being the forgiving soul he is, said YES. And off they went.
The “I” statement takes the sting out of confrontation while you stay in your power during a conflict. And provides an easy to maneuver conversation aiding in coming to resolution. All involved are seen and heard through this SUPER POWER tool.
The keys in conflict is know you are getting stirred up by your wounds, your fears. If possible finding space to calm, breathe and discern the answers to the questions I asked Eli will help you process.
And the “I” statement during confrontation, conflict, in the heat of the moment…helps empower you and the other person. It keeps you from going below the belt and provides the beginning of a map to communicating through the conflict and synergizing a solution. And that takes the STING out.
Look, none of us is perfect. And we aren’t here in this life to be perfect. It’s about learning, experiencing and loving while we are here. You are going to make mistakes, you are going to make bad choices. You can drown in them or choose to learn from them.
Free will baby, it’s all about choice.
How do you face your pain, so you can dance in the rain?
This one’s hard for me to write. I had an AHA moment the other day about a choice I made a year ago. I used anger to numb my feelings of pain and stress. Many of us live lives with giant stressors daily. And when we don’t want to feel the stress or the feelings below the stress (usually fear, unworthy, unlovable, etc), we go for our drug of choice. Lashing out to cover up the real feeling inside. Excessive anything creates life imbalance. Yet, who hasn’t felt super sad and gone for something to “comfort” yourself?
You just want to numb out pain so you don’t have to feel. No judgement here. We each have a drug of choice we gravitate towards. Our choice serves us by numbing us and giving us the illusion of protection from pain.
What is your drug of choice so you don’t have to feel?
*workaholic or constant busyness
With me, it wasn’t always an occasional thing. For a long time my drug of choice was bulimia. This was “my thing” from the time I was 8, off and on (more on than off), until I was 25. When I wasn’t choosing bulimia to numb me out, I chose anger to numb my bigger feelings of unlovable or unworthy; dissatisfaction in my body, my relationships, my career. Hugely big and scary. I believed anger protected me from feeling weak and from anyone seeing how awful I really felt. So not true. My “hidden” feelings kept me from establishing strong valuable relationships; kept me from satisfaction in my career; kept me from enjoying my life. And what’s worse? I kept receiving more experiences and situations reflecting the shitty way I felt inside.
This is true for most of us. We have painful feelings we don’t want to feel including parts of ourselves we don’t want to claim. So instead we are hiding that shit by not admitting it to ourselves and/or numbing the pain with our drug or drugs of choice. You can definitely use more than one and may even use one I haven’t listed.
So how does facing your pain help you dance in the rain? For starters, you cannot truly love all of you if you can’t see and accept all of you. And if you are not seeing all of you or unaware of your feelings because you’ve kept them hidden or numb for so long, then you don’t have awareness. You cannot change or claim what you are unaware of. So begin with awareness, ie. Facing your pain. Later after you face it, you can work on accepting it, shifting it, making changes…all kinds of healing.
Facing your pain can be scary and can feel HUGE. Some of us hate change and facing pain is a big ass change. Claiming who you are, in all your glory and imperfectness is also a BIG CHANGE. When it feels HUGE, the feelings you haven’t felt in a long time feel overwhelming, neverending and gigantic. Thus, your reactions can be on the extreme side.
You see I was in and out of numbness almost 20 years., When I started feeling again it felt HUGE, EXTREME, IMBALANCED. The highs were high and the lows were LOW. Who wants deal with that? I didn’t. It felt like a rollercoaster at times and not in a fun way. Yet to get to awareness and balance (the beginning of dancing), I had to face the pain and the extremes.
And this is typically not a one and done situation. Meaning you don’t have just one feeling you’ve not faced or one thing about yourself you don’t like or accept. IT’S usually deeper and multiples.
My numb imbalanced feelings lead me into a relationship for 5 years with someone I never wanted to date. I fell into this relationship after I was in bulimic recovery and began loving myself. And this is so common. I see this with clients too. While my love for me was deeper than before, I still had so many feelings of lack: value, worth, esteem. This also translated into poor boundaries too. And this boyfriend mirrored all my lack feelings back to me during our time together. Since I was already in bulimic recovery, I turned to a different drug to numb my feelings. I smoked A LOT of pot. I numbed out feelings of sadness, lack of worth, self-doubt and just plain feeling unlovable as me. I accepted treatment within the relationship that would have me out the door immediately and never looking back today. It was a mirror of how I felt about me.
Towards the end of our relationship, I had begun learning about energy healing and my awareness was beginning to shift and my love for myself was beginning to deepen. So, when an extreme event occurred between us, my eyes opened as if I’d been asleep for five years and I took action leaving the relationship immediately. My beautiful anger fueled me with the fierce power of courage to leave.
My work was only beginning when I left the relationship. When I became free, I began embracing some of my feelings for the first time in a long time. Facing lots of painful realizations.
Can you see how not facing your pain can lead you to situations where you feel stuck, super unhappy and unlovable?
It is because I love myself, I can look at myself, all my parts: what I like and parts I don’t. When I moved out from THE boyfriend into my own place, though it was painful to face my feelings, I began to dance. And one afternoon, I was in the backyard setting up my grill and it began to rain. And I stayed a moment and felt the water tap me all over and was overwhelmed with emotion and joy. I began to dance in the rain.
I’m still a work in progress, becoming aware of and healing parts of me at a deeper level consistently. It’s a journey. And even gravitate to a numbing agent now and again, though most of the time, I write and deal with my feelings or share them with a friend or practice mindfulness or all of the above. And when the rain water and temps are warm, when it rains- especially in the Summer, I get out and dance in the rain.
I don’t have all the things I desire in my life, YET. I’m getting there. I have hope. I have belief. I have love. I live my life as best I can in the present moment. I continue facing my pains. You only get out of it what you put into it. And for me, the dancing becomes an even more vibrant joy when you claim all of you and your feelings. Love deepens and possibilities abound.
We all have shit and it stinks (Thank you Gwenn)… so rather than push it into a pile and pretend it isn’t there stinking…Face it, smell it, accept it and heal so you can embrace all of you and take your dancing up a notch and fully experience the beauty of life.
What is love? What is happiness?
This is what was on my mind after I meditated this morning. So today I’m going to free write my answers and share them with you. Why? Because I believe these are the 2 most important topics of life. And I’m on a mission to help bring more love into the world. So here goes:
Happiness comes from love. Happiness is something that you create in your mind and in your heart. You tap into it even on the days you feel like your world is crashing down around you. Happiness doesn’t mean you always have a smile plastered to your face. It is a state of being. Knowing in your mind and in your heart that even when the shit hits the fan and you are sad or angry about life happenings, somehow you still feel happiness inside you and in your life.
That may sound weird to some people. Maybe to everyone. Maybe it doesn’t even sound real. But it is. I know. I have been that person with life crashing down and not knowing what to do and feeling overwhelmed and yet I still knew I am a happy person dealing with some uncomfortable or shitty situations. It sounds weird rereading what I wrote..maybe even unreal.
How do I better explain? Happiness doesn’t mean I never get mad or sad. It doesn’t mean that I don’t cry or feel pain. I do. Yet somehow I also have hope and faith. I struggle with my hope and faith at times and I have my pity parties and get my dark emotions out and yet I still turn around and know I am happy.
Maybe it is because I know that the discomfort I am going through is temporary even when it feels like it is going on forever. I don’t know when it works out or how but I trust somehow it works out for my greatest good. That doesn’t mean I sit and watch my life go by. I actively participate supporting my intentions and life affirmations bringing about life prosperity. Yet Shit happens. It does. I cannot control anyone or everything. Each of us has free will.
I live most days in gratitude, yet I have moments and days I fall off the wagon. And still I consider myself happy.
Five ways to know you are happy: Keep in mind this is about consistency and NOT PERFECTION.
- You smile from the inside out: not necessarily daily more like consistently and not like it is plastered to your face and fake. A real joyful smile coming from inside you and emanating out of you. So much so, you don’t even realize you are smiling at times and people naturally smile back at you.
- Even when you are going through difficult times, you have hope that your life will get better.
- You can see and accept yourself warts and all most of the time and you give this same acceptance to your inner circle of loved ones.
- You consistently laugh. Maybe not daily, but almost everyday you find something amusing. Laughter is hugely important to happiness
- You live life in the present and enjoy. Worrying creates more to worry about and doesn’t change anything. Just take action where you can.
So if Happiness comes from love, what is love? Love for me is the feeling of acceptance and pure delight. It is loving my imperfections and all of me which makes me, ME. And doing the same for other people. Does that mean I like everything about everyone? No, not even myself. And yet, I accept those things I dislike about myself and about people I love because I love them. I’m not talking about things that hurt people, drastic stuff. I’m talking about the imperfections that make us human and at times drive us crazy, if we allow it. Some of it is how we choose to experience it. There was a time in my life I would say if only ____ would change ____, then we would be happier. That is NOT an example of acceptance or DEEP LOVE.
That is the thinking that keeps us stuck and in the same motions over and over and over. Living out repetitive patterns in many of our relationships. YUCK.
Love for myself: I am my best friend. I enjoy time with me. I am loud and big energy. I love to laugh. I have a sharp tongue, very little filter, a “truck driver’s mouth” and a sharp temper all with my HUGE heart. My loved ones know, I will drop anything to be there for you. I trust easily until it is broken and then it is hard for me to trust again. I’m getting better at forgiveness. My son is great at it and I’m learning from him. Boundaries with strangers are super easy; with loved ones they are harder, yet they are necessary to take care of me. I am in a progressive state of love with my body after many years of war. I love my hair and the way my green eyes change color. I love not looking my age. I’m NOT PERFECT. I aim to do the best I can and be the best me I can be at any given moment and that changes from time to time. I love me. And saying that and meaning it down to my core, makes me happy.
I agree with the Dali Lama about life. Life for me is about the journey of love and happiness.
I recently traveled for vacation with my 8 year old son meeting my hubby in Minneapolis. A short time before our flight boarded, the flight was canceled. No crew. We thankfully made it to the TOP of the list for the next flight to fly standby. When we agreed to fly standby, the airline rep told us, our bag would be going on this flight whether we made it or not. FAMOUS last words. We made it. Our bag did not. And I was reminded of the only other time my luggage was “delayed” and the difference inside ME today.
Just over fifteen years ago, PM (pre-Marc), I took a trip to Aruba with one of my besties. One of the things I LOVE about my bestie, she is laid back, go with the flow, creates fun and lives in the moment. Well, at the time, I thought I was like this too. And I was to a degree, yet inside me I was still a work in progress as we all are. I remember sharing with my friend about all the recent big changes and belief shifts in my life. You know, like, I meditated. At the time I had an inconsistently consistent mindful practice and while I received benefit from my inconsistent practice, some of what spurred me to share was about being “on trend”. I engaged in intuitive energy healing. My intuition sharp and clear while in TRUTH, my trust of myself was spotty. I was more patient, more calm. True. And I loved myself. YES. Yet, I still felt unsatisfied in areas of my life. Okay, I did NOT admit to myself let alone anyone else about any incomplete feelings. I believed it was my outer stuff: my hair, my clothes, my body, my job, my finances were still the root cause to my life dissatisfaction. I mean I did the work, I loved myself. So it couldn’t be that. But my love for me wasn’t full body, mind, heart, soul and psyche, feeling amazing inside love consistently. So the thought that my STUFF: hair dryer, makeup, the “perfect bathing suit” and comfy great looking on me clothes would be missing caused me great anguish which spread from my psyche to my experience quickly. Body stuff had been “getting me” on some level since I was a kid and developed early.
As a recovering bulimic, I was so NOT COMFORTABLE with the idea of having to find something to wear with limited choices. My fears of finding “clothes I looked cute in” outweighed fun.
I kept it inside and attempted to “go with the flow”. It didn’t work at all. My friend went out and I stayed in the room trying to get information from the airline on where my bag was and when I could expect it. I had looked forward to this trip for weeks and I was spending it chaining myself in the room. I figured once I knew when I’d have my stuff, I’d be able to have fun (interpret as allow myself to have fun).
That evening I left the room to go to dinner. My bestie made a comment about how for all my sharing about my life shifts, my behavior didn’t match up. Wow, did that hurt. That is what I love about my friend. She didn’t say it to hurt. She said it quite compassionately. It hurt because it was TRUE. And I loved myself enough to recognize the outer turmoil I experienced because of my lack of deeper self love.
I did go out after that and uncomfortably purchased: a dress, shorts and t-shirts, underwear and a bathing suit. I made do for our time there as my luggage never showed up. And I had fun, yet I lost a day and half of enjoying Aruba due to not fully loving myself on a fuller body, mind, heart, soul and psyche level. And believe me, I’d done ALOT of work on liking and loving myself. Therapy, books, classes, etc. I was feeling better than ever about myself. My lack of self love at a deeper level propelled me to give in to fear. Fear about how I looked, fear about how I would fit in on the trip, fear about the money I spent on necessities being reimbursed and more. This experience showed me I still had healing work to do and it was time to level up. Learning to love me was not a one and done experience.
Apparently my luggage was partying in Mexico and arrived a bit hung over at my house about 3 hours after I arrived home from Aruba. Then the specialty vacation airline gave me a hard time about reimbursement at a time when my finances were more limited. Really? I was on an island. I had limited choices and certainly didn’t spend thousands. This was one of my fears come to life about purchasing necessities. I was still dealing with this weeks later when I met the love of my life, Marc, my husband. It did all work out. But I digress…
So back to the present story. We arrived in Minneapolis just after 3pm, much later than the 10am we were expected. Truly happy to be there. Found my hubs in baggage claim. He told us the luggage had not arrived. I thought he was kidding. That is so his sense of humor. He wasn’t kidding. And immediately my Aruba experience flashed back. Not out of fear at all. I actually laughed aloud when I thought of it. That is no longer my story. That is not who I am. I love me so many levels deeper than my time in Aruba. It was just STUFF. Sure, it would be a pain to have to replace it if my luggage didn’t show, but chances are it would arrive at some point. And then my WHY for being in Minneapolis spoke up. I am here with my family to enjoy quality time together. We will buy clothes if we need to and we will figure it out. Regardless, we will have fun and enjoy this adventure even if it is in the same stinky clothing. So, we filed our claim with the airline and went on our way.
Before bed wearing one of Marc’s t-shirts, we checked and still no status on where our luggage was. OK. The next morning we got up did what my sister calls a “CWBath” (the genitals, the face and the pits) and left the hotel. First stop coffee at Starbucks. 2nd stop Marshall’s for a few essentials to change our clothes.
Arrived back at the hotel, changed clothes and checked the luggage tracker. Good news. Luggage found, placed on 8am flight out of Charlotte arriving in Minneapolis by 10am. Then it takes up to 12 hours for delivery. I shrugged and we moved on with the adventure of the day not giving luggage another thought. Fortunately it was warmish and my FIT FLOPS, which I wore on the flight, were comfy for walking. We walked all over downtown exploring.
We had a blast making memories and laughing all day and decided to grab takeout and head back to our room for a late supper. Just as we sat down to eat (about 915pm), the phone rang and YES, our luggage had arrived. We looked at each other and laughed saying “we’ll get that after we eat”. No rush. I didn’t even unpack til the next morning.
I was thrilled at my shift and the freedom I could so clearly see and feel. The difference today is I know the outer shit doesn’t matter. Not the clothes, not the finances, not anything. And not because anyone else says it doesn’t matter, but because I truly believe it. Why doesn’t it matter? Because I am in love with myself . My feeling of wholeness is so complete, I could simply be in the moment. When dissatisfaction or diminished enjoyment impact any area of your life, the very first thing you must learn how to do is love yourself. Not the BLAH BLAH love yourself. The whole body, mind, heart, soul and psyche feeling amazing on the inside kind of love yourself. This is the key to greater happiness, greater success and greater satisfaction in life. That is the journey of this great adventure we call life. Only one other person I know could appreciate this beautiful story, I called my bestie and gave her a great chuckle. And the rest is history.
BIG LOVE and GRATITUDE,
Words are soooo powerful.
When I was a kid my Grandma and my Dad used to call me the “da greser” and my sister “da kleyner”. Pronounced: (dah graseh = long A and lightly rolled “r”) and (dah klayneh = long A). Loosely translated Greser is Yiddish for bigger, older, greater while Kleyner was little, younger, smaller.
Well at the time, I learned the meanings of these words, I was not in love with me. So what I heard was the BIGGER sister and the SMALLER sister. Oy vey! Those words had HUGE power over me and I heard and took all this to mean I was FAT, HUGE, BIG, LARGE.
Here is a picture of me at that time, standing behind a friend’s younger brother.
Words HAVE POWER. Did my family mean for me to believe I was BIG and FAT? No. But what you say to yourself has HUGE power and how you CHOOSE, yes, CHOOSE, to take in the words from people (especially ones you care about) have huge power over you too.
I defined myself at this point in my life as the BIG one, the FAT one even when I wasn’t FAT.
My parents and grandparents loved me, adored me. They had ZERO intention of hurting me or saying anything that would derail me or have such a negative impact in my life. But there was a lot going on in my young 8-9 year old life and the free spirit I had been just a year before disappeared quickly.
Here is a pic during a recent adventure with the love of my life . I’m definitely larger. The difference between how I saw myself then and now? I am in love with me. I’m happy. I’m beautiful. I love my body. I take care of myself meditating, exercising and mostly eating nutritiously and I’m healthy. I live in gratitude (most days). I would definitely love to release some weight yet I live my life enjoying the journey and not waiting for that day of what used to be my belief of “perfection”.
How do you get there? You learn how to use the power of words to help YOU fall in love with yourself. It doesn’t mean you’ll never have a bad day or get triggered. What it means is you are so in love with yourself you can keep going even after you stumble or fall. You show yourself compassion. You become aware of the words you think about yourself and how you speak TO yourself and about yourself.
I’m real about what I ‘m super great at and what is just not my strong suit. Yet, I don’t say I SUCK at _____. I do my best and ask for help when I need it. We all have our unique abilities and areas of day to day living where ya just need support. It’s really okay.
Read these out loud with enthusiasm and make note of how you feel saying each one:
I love you!
I hate you!
Your tush is too big!
You are soo skinny.
You are gorgeous!
You are loud.
That wasn’t nice.
You are so sweet.
I suck at this.
You are powerful.
You are the big sister.
You are the older sister.
What did you notice? Did you feel better with the compliments? OR did you struggle to believe them? Did you dislike the put downs or feel agreement with them?
Now try this one. Loud and Proud. Say: I am in love with me!
Can you say it out loud? Can you smile when saying it? Do you believe it? In your head? In your heart?
I hear friends, family and client’s talk about themselves sometimes and just feel for them cringing as I hear the way they put themselves down unconsciously or deflect sincere compliments. Those are sure signs you may not be in love with you. And I often ask if they would speak to someone else that way. Almost everyone says NO WAY! “So what makes it okay to speak to yourself like that?”
Do any of these sound familiar:
- Filled with self doubt (often or compartmentalized consistently)
- Looking for love outside of you to fill you up and make you feel whole (emotionally and sexually)
- Difficulty having and holding boundaries
- Difficulty receiving compliments
- Addicted to Drama or drama follows you constantly
- Speak down to yourself or about yourself
- complain often
If you said yes to any of these (I used to say yes to them all so don’t be shy here), most likely you are not in love with yourself.
Lack of love for yourself has the POWER to change your life. Let’s rephrase that: Falling in Love with yourself has the SUPER POWER to change your life; shift how you feel inside and out; change how you experience day to day living situations and relationships.
The power of words is one SUPER TOOL I use in collaboration with powerful energetic healing to help clients begin falling love with themselves.
You were born as part of love and so you are LOVE. As you grow, you hear words and learn about conditions and you create beliefs about yourself that are not true. You can reframe these self laws and change them. You have the POWER!!
Begin one word at a time. Set an intention to become aware of how you speak to yourself (and how you think about yourself). Get real. Be honest. Awareness is a HUGE key in the work I do. You cannot change what you are NOT aware of.
Once you are aware of it, change can begin. Pick ONE belief at a time. Change it. Reframe it so it is stretching your system making you a little uncomfortable and yet you see the possibility of it being true. And work with that one until you believe in your heart and soul your new belief . And then keep going taking it deeper.
It is SO possible. I am living proof as are my clients.
I know you will see and feel changes in your life and your experiences. You will create a feeling of lightness filled with joy.
And should you want support, I am here for you. I am on a mission to help as many people as I can fall in love with themselves. So I invite you to connect with me and ask. It is a attribute of strength to know when you need support and ask for it.
I LOVE YOU!!
I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!
With Love and Gratitude,
I am always the strong one. At least that is the illusion I told myself. I am the one who remains clear headed and calm while the chaos ensues around me. I’m the one that handles the crisis during the crisis. The cost is I don’t get to my feelings until much later after the chaos becomes calm.
After the crisis and before I get to my feelings, I am cranky, bitchy, nitpicky. And when I let loose, it is like my insides are falling out of me. I cry tears that could fill the oceans. I sob out loud and I just let go. And man, am I tired when I’m finished. It takes so much energy to hold up the world and keep it together when I just want to cry in that moment. But if I did, then I wouldn’t be the strong one. Or would I?
This is how I grew up. This was the role I created for myself. My unique ability. My “look at me and what I can do talent”. The action I took for approval and love. What I felt I had to do to be loved. Yet, I was already loved. Loved before conception, loved the second I was conceived, the moment I came into this body on this earth. I am love.
Somewhere along the way, I learned being dependable was strong and approved (approval = love) and showing lots of emotion was judged as weak. So, funny, I live my life in a colorful world mixing colors constantly. Yet for this huge decision, I looked at only 2 choices, black or white. My fear erased color and with it possibilities.
I did such a good job playing my “strong one” role that when I shared my feelings with loved ones and began taking off my mask, they responded with “you can handle it, you are strong”. Often, that made me super angry to hear. I wanted the perceived nurturing I saw going to the “weak”. The rescuing. I wanted to be rescued.
And so I tried my hand at being a victim. I didn’t get the reaction I wanted. I received tough words and tough love. And that made me angry and kicked off more fears about me not being loved. A self-fulfilling prophecy?
Life is about possibilities, endless possibilities. Today I am still great in a crisis with my feelings hanging out or running down my face. I allowed myself to see other possibilities. I no longer have HUGE releases after a crisis that drain me of energy. I gave myself permission to feel in the moment. I am the strong one because I allow myself to feel and express my vulnerability without becoming a victim.
And I am grateful for this beautiful awareness. I am grateful for the times I believed in the illusion. And I am so grateful to know the difference. This awareness I pass on to my son. Feel your feelings, acknowledge them. Crying is a release. Admitting you are sad, frustrated, angry, overwhelmed, AFRAID, doesn’t make you weak…it is what you do next that becomes your story. Do you become a victim of woe is me or do you keep moving, find gratitude and live your life, human, vulnerable and strong?
How do you begin reframing what you believe and your behaviors? I’ll share with you what I discovered. My magic powers I’ve used for years…
First you become aware. Then you create an intention. How do you want to embrace your life or a specific aspect of it. Stick with something that stretches your comfort zone and yet you believe it is possible. Sometimes it is your intention that helps grow your awareness. And then develop an affirmation, an I am statement. Something in your own words that you desire and can believe. Both your intention and affirmation may be works in progress. That is absolutely okay.
And finally, gratitude. When I live in gratitude, my fears are quieter. It doesn’t mean they don’t exist, but fear doesn’t get so loud that it controls my life. And when it does, I discover I have forgotten my gratitude.
I realize this may sound too easy or possibly lame depending on your perspective. All I know is it works. It works in my life. And I have the incredible delight of witnessing it change the lives of my clients.
I sit in gratitude almost daily focusing on an intention and affirmation to guide me or grow me that day. And sometimes I have the same intentions and affirmations for a few weeks as I allow myself to change. My gratitude notebook goes everywhere with me in my purse. When I feel something, I write it down. And when I’m struggling, it helps me remember. Some days it might be gratitude that I am breathing or the sun is shining.
I realize this seems so simple. How could something this simple change your life? Try it consistently and watch yourself soar. And if you dare enough to try it, write to me and tell me how your life is changing. I want to dance in celebration for you and with you.
What am I going to write about? The time I struggled and showed my ass by behaving like I’d lost my mind? There are moments I feel like I’m part of the circus or better yet starring in a sit-com. My life is far from always being full of laughter though we laugh a lot in our family.
I get tired of taking everything so seriously. So I put on a pair of “TV glasses” and see what each situation I’m worried about, frustrated with, pissed about, and enjoying would like through the camera of a sit-com.
I discovered this solution when Eli was an infant. I was alone and changing his diaper. He stuck one foot in poop, then another, then his hand. Somehow it got on my hands too. I was by myself at home. And as a new mom, I began to panic. How do I figure this out? How do I get my son and myself clean without getting poop everywhere. Every idea I thought of resulted in me seeing my son ending up falling to the floor. All the tools I needed were in other rooms, The thought of carrying poop from room to room with a dog and three cats standing by to enter the fray filled me with more anxiety. My body tensed and tightened. And then Eli began to cry. Big surprise, right? And then as he wriggled in more poop, for a split second I imagined my reaction if I was watching this on TV. What was the big deal? And I began to laugh. And as I laughed and my body loosened, Eli calmed and smiled. I have no idea how, but somehow I cleaned us both pretty quickly and easily. And from then on, I pulled out my “TV Glasses” during life situations. Any caregivers out there ever experience similar situations?
Which brings me to a few days ago when again I was struggling, frustrated and a little scared. Instead of picturing the sitcom, I cried. I disagreed with my producer for my upcoming radio show and participated in unnecessary arguing drama. I was not fit for human consumption and I felt it in my body. I reflected on all my “life plates” I keep spinning, my to dos. Are these life or death “plates”? Nope. What will happen if I don’t get EVERYTHING done? Nothing. What am I afraid of?
Truth? Falling on my face which is FAILING. Yet even as I say that most of me is not afraid. I know in the deepest part of me, even if I fall on my face there is a reason. I know the experience will provide me with an opportunity. Now truth be told. It isn’t comfortable to fail. So I don’t know of anyone who runs out and says Yes, I’ll choose Failure. What I know is if I don’t choose change, which comes with risks, and pushing out of what is comfortable, I stay stuck.
Complacency becomes another word for stuck. Don’t make waves. Status quo. Don’t ask a tough question because of what might happen. Did you know stuck means you don’t get to experience the fantabulous either?
Self-esteem plays a huge role in your willingness to embrace change. Change can have ALOT of unknown and unfamiliar feelings and factors. So of course complacency will feel better in some aspects because you know it. And you know your outcomes even if they are painful.
So here I go taking another leap: 1) I premiered my radio show heard globally 2) I stopped part of my business marketing which I believed until recently was the largest draw for meeting new clients. I do not know what I’m doing next to grow my community. I trust it will be revealed soon (there was a bit of GULP the first time I said that) 3) I am continuing to lovingly detach as a parent (more on this in future articles). Providing my son opportunities to grow and fail (as safely as I can) 4) I am visibly emerging with live videos on social media, radio, joint ventures with other healers 5) I am learning how to do my radio show from my computer and all the mechanics and marketing (there are at least 10 things here I don’t know) 6) I am allowing in my relationship with Marc instead of listening to the voice telling me to “drive the train”. With more leaping each week and sometimes daily.
And while some days it feels harder and some days I fail. I am still happy everyday. And more and more consistently, I feel an ease and a joy. I feel a freedom like I did as a kid riding my bike super fast with the wind blowing my hair kicking my feet out as I went down a huge hill and yelling WHEEEEEEE!!!
With Love and Gratitude,
Do you wake up feeling great and head out into your day only to find after a work meeting or a run to a store you feel off, cranky, sad, etc.? Does any room in your house or does your car feel off, cold or darker? If you are answering yes about any part of you or your space feeling off, you need energetic cleansing. I want to help you and share some of my favorite rituals. I energetically cleanse myself and my home, often if not daily. Whether you are an open channel or just unaware, it is easy to pick up other people’s energy unknowingly not only in your own energetic field but also in your home, your car, or any space you visit. If you wouldn’t want to share someone else’s underwear, why wear their energy?
So what do you do to feel better?
First begin by becoming more aware of how you feel so you notice when your feelings (physical, mental and emotional) change. I begin my day doing a quick scan of me. How do I feel: emotionally, physically, energetically. If you don’t know the answers to all of them, it is okay. It will come with practice. Daily consistency is key.
Second cleanse your self.
Why? Clearing a space without clearing yourself is like mopping your floor wearing dirty shoes.
There are many approaches for cleansing yourself.
Here is a short list. You may like one or a couple; use them separately or together. There are no rules.,, feel what feels good to you. When you finish check in and see how you feel. Don’t make this hard or complicated.
1- begin with water in the body;
Program a glass of water by holding it and setting an intention
Think and drink
2-Visualization: Create an image or a ritual of the mind that as you picture it, you cleanse. You ask for anything not yours to be released for your highest good and cleansed off of you.
3- Prayer: Ask in prayer for energetic cleansing
4 sage or palo santo: Light either of these, set an intention to cleanse your self and douse yourself in their fumes
5- music: Sing, play or dance choosing music that lifts you up and soothes your soul (this is subjective)
6- crystals: Use crystal healing to cleanse your energetic field
7-move outside: Walk, run, bike, etc feel the earth beneath you and feel your vibes raise higher.
8- Water over the body: Shower, bathe and as the water runs over you or you submerge your body in water, know you are cleansing
9- exercise: Yoga, Pilates, Barre, Cycling, Running, Basketball, etc. Any form where you are moving continuously or close to continuously
10-laugh: laughter heals your soul; And more….
The goal is to clear your vibes and begin moving your vibration higher. All you must do is believe it is possible to succeed.
Just as weather changes daily, the approach appealing to you can shift or change. The methods you choose can also change as you learn, heal and grow, especially when you choose an extensive letting go healing like Kahuna healing. What I do today is different than what I did years ago. I try news things and adapt my own rituals. So don’t be afraid to try something new.
Once you cleanse you, space cleansing can begin. And you use many of the same approaches. Scan your space first. How does each room feel? This is super personal. My personal fave is white sage. It is powerful and grabs most unwanted energy. I set a stage for myself. I love music and play music throughout my cleansing time. I set intentions for my space and visualize the cleansing and protection of it. And then I walk and dance throughout my space focused on my intentions.
Now there are times I receive intuitive messages to choose another approach or I hear I need to meditate first and I pick up some nuance to incorporate. When I go to a client’s home, each space is cleansed uniquely. While I may bring sage, there may be other tools I hear to help including meditations and even bubbles. And sometimes, if there is a darker energy or a spirit to cross over, that certainly brings additional alternatives to my choices.
When you finish, scan your space again. And notice the difference. You may not be able to describe it right away. It could be it just feels better. And then yes, you’ve done it.
As we begin this new year of 2017, I encourage you to cleanse your self, cleanse your space and look for opportunities for healing yourself and letting go of what you don’t wish to carry with you any longer. Letting go can cleanse your soul. If you want to know more about this, join me and Nami for Kahuna Healing as the first New Moon of 2017 approaches (information below).
With Love & Gratitude, Marni
Doubt means “a feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction.” Even today I have moments of doubt. I sometimes struggle with things I cannot control namely other peoples free will. This is more than evident as I parent our wonderful little boy as he is healing from PTSD. And sometimes after a struggle with something uncontrollable, do you notice your fears enticing your feelings of self doubt. As in my past, I witness my clients experiencing the same struggle of doubts and stuck feelings sometimes daily. Those days I experience what I call M3 (Marni Meltdown Moment/s)where my fear has gotten hold of me and negative talk creeps in. It happens to all of us at one point or another. So what do you do to help yourself through it? How do you DANCE in the Rain?
I wish I had a magic wand to wave and say…POOF, all is peaceful and healed. While I don’t have a wand, I have 6 Simple, yet extraordinary solutions that changed my life (I still use them today) and change my clients lives:
These first 3 I named, The Daily 3. Gratitude, Intention, Affirmation: listing 3 under each.
- Daily Gratitude: I know everyone these days is talking about gratitude and gratitude is “trending”. Did you ever think it is gaining steam around the globe because it is working? Daily say out loud/write down in a gratitude notebook what you are grateful for. Struggle to come up with new ones each day. What happens? Your vibes begin rising and when you are experiencing a delightful day, you’ll get higher. Yet when you experience an M3 day, gratitude begins raising your vibes moving away from stuck or negativity. I’ll get you started with a few: I am grateful for the air I breathe, my family, my friends, my body, my sanctuary aka home, my clients, the sun and its beautiful shine today…and more (keep going)
- Daily Intention: Intentions are a guide, a map of where you want to go or how you want to be. Without a map or an intention, you may still get there or somewhere near OR you may end up in a completely different place. How many times have you said or heard: “I’m sorry that wasn’t my intention.” What did you intend? Intention is mindful. It brings to your mind, body and spirit the way you want to engage and interact with the world, your relationships, and yourself. Here is one to get you started: I intend to speak with kindness and honesty from my heart both to myself and people I encounter (this includes in person, on the phone and email). While this is typically how I roll anyway, my conscious intention keeps it fresh even when I begin feeling fear or negativity enter. I intend to stay focused today is another one I like. I sometimes get distracted by the shiny things, emails, etc. So focus for me and naming it helps me stay accountable to myself.
- Daily Affirmation: I love these so much I do them when I wake up and before bed. Affirmations are what or who I am even if some of it is still in the want stage and I’m not fully there believing it yet. You have to be able to believe your affirmation is possible. That is super important. And they are always done from a positive voice. Here are a few for you: I am perfect health, I am grounded & balanced, I am happy, I am lighter.
- Daily Meditation: Meditation doesn’t have to be what you think. Meditation can rewire your brain. Science is proving it. You don’t have to sit if that isn’t your thing. There are so many ways to make this work in your lifestyle. I have worked with clients who meditate washing dishes, running, mowing the lawn and more. This is about time for you. Your mind will not shut off, but you will give your ego mind permission to quiet with gratitude so your heart and intuition can be heard more easily. Those moments give you clarity, raise your vibe, can help you sleep, can help lower pressure and more. Give yourself at least 3 minutes. And when you have more time expand it longer. For me, meditation smooth’s me out and raises my vibes. The clarity I gain helps me see even more possibilities for situations.
- Daily Love of myself: Daily love is naming 3 things you love about yourself. I love my laugh, my eyes and my big heart. This was harder for me in the beginning. My eyes was the first thing I could name and it felt awkward at the beginning like I was conceited. Yet, I easily complimented my friends and family, even strangers about themselves. So struggle through this and don’t give up. If you were meeting you, what would you love?
- Daily Body moving & self care: Get up off the sofa. You don’t have to run a marathon or do a heavy work out. Go for a walk around the block. Walk at a swift pace through your house, the mall, a parking lot, etc. Do yoga at home or in community. Ask a friend to walk dogs with you, etc. Park a little further away from the store and walk extra. And then get dressed, shower and nourish your body. Each of these things will raise your vibes. Even if you start out stomping, the oxygen to your blood will help those happy endorphins begin to create in your body.
Whether your feeling stuck daily and doubting yourself daily or you just have moments. These 6 extraordinary solutions will change your life if you are daring enough to commit and eager to feel better.
If you are one of those daring, eager and committed souls and you are ready move toward grabbing happiness by the arm everyday and leaving stuck, doubt and pain behind and maybe your ready to start a meditation practice or take yours up a notch, then we should talk. Sign up for a complimentary call with me. I want to know what you are ready to leave behind and what you are ready to walk through the door towards and how what I do can support and help you.
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