So the other day I was sharing a story my son’s day at camp with a friend. And she was struck by the way he handled a conflict with a friend.
A day or two before Eli had been called a name by this friend. He handled the conflicts as most 9 year olds would and even lots of us adults. He was upset. So he got a counselor involved.
The next day he and the friend kind of avoided each other. And Eli was still upset thinking the friend didn’t like him anymore.
I’m so grateful he shares this with me and Marc so we can counsel him. So I asked him a few questions:
- What is the story you are writing? You know the one I mean? The one that hasn’t happened yet. The one that is projecting from your Ego/FearVoice/Inner Critic?
*Writing a story or ASSUMING what will happen shifts your energy and the energy of the situation. REMEMBER: Energy follows Energy
This type of thinking can bring about increased stress, anxiety, depression, anger and yet- NOTHING has happened YET.
Try not to be mad at the fear voice. It is only trying to protect you and keep you safe. Instead give it gratitude. Thank it for having your back. And then tell it. I’m SAFE. Please get quieter so I can hear my Heart/Intuitive voice.
This is the voice that won’t steer you wrong. It leads from LOVE.
Now Eli, had already decided his friend was done with him. They were not friends. And he decided that if Eli approached the friend he would not be received.
So we role played with each other and with his stuffed animals. We did some silly ones, some funny ones, some angry ones and some positive outcome ones. And Eli began to see the story hadn’t been written… YET.
2. The next question I asked him “What from your past hurts is feeding your worries. ” Can you think of another time when you felt this same way? OR When the story you are writing came true?
Now Eli has been doing a tremendous healing around an incident that happened a couple of years ago when a man in charge of his Tae Kwon Do after school program physically threatened him. So he was able to speak his feelings about this AND the bullying by the older kids in the program who tortured him while the adult provided no protection or solace.
He connected TRUST and his own CONFIDENCE were the wounds contributing to the story writing.
3. Next I asked him: Where is your power when you write these stories? Where is your trust and confidence?
He is so cute. He said “Mommy, I give away my power when I don’t trust myself and God to help me and that makes me feel not confident. And Mommy, you taught me energy follows energy. So I’m bringing my energy down when I could TRUST myself and God which will give me the power and confidence to do something different.”
I have to admit my eyes welled up with tears at this point. It has been a short, yet long 2 year journey filled with some scary shit. So to hear him say all this was beautiful and such a testament to his amazingness and the POWER LOVE has in healing.
4. We spoke about his options of what he could do the next day. All of it being his choice. Do nothing. Ask a counselor to help him speak with the friend. Speak with the friend on his own using a powerful technique called “I statements”. And more.
BEFORE making this decision, I asked him to sit with this. Think back to the time you’ve spent with this friend BEFORE the conflict. Is this someone you really enjoyed? Did you feed each other’s energy? Did you have fun? Was there a mutual respect until the conflict? And if you could have the outcome you desire, what would it be?
Marc and I told him this was his to decide and there was NO right and NO wrong. We’ve both tried many of these things with great outcomes and shitty outcomes. He had to really feel this out.
So here is what he did: He found the friend and asked if they could speak (BIG ASS COURAGE for my guy). The friend agreed.
Then Eli used the POWER of “I” statements.
When you do _____
I feel _____
Because ____ (vulnerable)_____
Self reflective share
And then he gave his friend an opportunity to do the same. Though at 9, his friend didn’t know what to do. So he asked Eli if they could move forward and be friends. And Eli being the forgiving soul he is, said YES. And off they went.
The “I” statement takes the sting out of confrontation while you stay in your power during a conflict. And provides an easy to maneuver conversation aiding in coming to resolution. All involved are seen and heard through this SUPER POWER tool.
The keys in conflict is know you are getting stirred up by your wounds, your fears. If possible finding space to calm, breathe and discern the answers to the questions I asked Eli will help you process.
And the “I” statement during confrontation, conflict, in the heat of the moment…helps empower you and the other person. It keeps you from going below the belt and provides the beginning of a map to communicating through the conflict and synergizing a solution. And that takes the STING out.
Look, none of us is perfect. And we aren’t here in this life to be perfect. It’s about learning, experiencing and loving while we are here. You are going to make mistakes, you are going to make bad choices. You can drown in them or choose to learn from them.
Free will baby, it’s all about choice.
How do you face your pain, so you can dance in the rain?
This one’s hard for me to write. I had an AHA moment the other day about a choice I made a year ago. I used anger to numb my feelings of pain and stress. Many of us live lives with giant stressors daily. And when we don’t want to feel the stress or the feelings below the stress (usually fear, unworthy, unlovable, etc), we go for our drug of choice. Lashing out to cover up the real feeling inside. Excessive anything creates life imbalance. Yet, who hasn’t felt super sad and gone for something to “comfort” yourself?
You just want to numb out pain so you don’t have to feel. No judgement here. We each have a drug of choice we gravitate towards. Our choice serves us by numbing us and giving us the illusion of protection from pain.
What is your drug of choice so you don’t have to feel?
*workaholic or constant busyness
With me, it wasn’t always an occasional thing. For a long time my drug of choice was bulimia. This was “my thing” from the time I was 8, off and on (more on than off), until I was 25. When I wasn’t choosing bulimia to numb me out, I chose anger to numb my bigger feelings of unlovable or unworthy; dissatisfaction in my body, my relationships, my career. Hugely big and scary. I believed anger protected me from feeling weak and from anyone seeing how awful I really felt. So not true. My “hidden” feelings kept me from establishing strong valuable relationships; kept me from satisfaction in my career; kept me from enjoying my life. And what’s worse? I kept receiving more experiences and situations reflecting the shitty way I felt inside.
This is true for most of us. We have painful feelings we don’t want to feel including parts of ourselves we don’t want to claim. So instead we are hiding that shit by not admitting it to ourselves and/or numbing the pain with our drug or drugs of choice. You can definitely use more than one and may even use one I haven’t listed.
So how does facing your pain help you dance in the rain? For starters, you cannot truly love all of you if you can’t see and accept all of you. And if you are not seeing all of you or unaware of your feelings because you’ve kept them hidden or numb for so long, then you don’t have awareness. You cannot change or claim what you are unaware of. So begin with awareness, ie. Facing your pain. Later after you face it, you can work on accepting it, shifting it, making changes…all kinds of healing.
Facing your pain can be scary and can feel HUGE. Some of us hate change and facing pain is a big ass change. Claiming who you are, in all your glory and imperfectness is also a BIG CHANGE. When it feels HUGE, the feelings you haven’t felt in a long time feel overwhelming, neverending and gigantic. Thus, your reactions can be on the extreme side.
You see I was in and out of numbness almost 20 years., When I started feeling again it felt HUGE, EXTREME, IMBALANCED. The highs were high and the lows were LOW. Who wants deal with that? I didn’t. It felt like a rollercoaster at times and not in a fun way. Yet to get to awareness and balance (the beginning of dancing), I had to face the pain and the extremes.
And this is typically not a one and done situation. Meaning you don’t have just one feeling you’ve not faced or one thing about yourself you don’t like or accept. IT’S usually deeper and multiples.
My numb imbalanced feelings lead me into a relationship for 5 years with someone I never wanted to date. I fell into this relationship after I was in bulimic recovery and began loving myself. And this is so common. I see this with clients too. While my love for me was deeper than before, I still had so many feelings of lack: value, worth, esteem. This also translated into poor boundaries too. And this boyfriend mirrored all my lack feelings back to me during our time together. Since I was already in bulimic recovery, I turned to a different drug to numb my feelings. I smoked A LOT of pot. I numbed out feelings of sadness, lack of worth, self-doubt and just plain feeling unlovable as me. I accepted treatment within the relationship that would have me out the door immediately and never looking back today. It was a mirror of how I felt about me.
Towards the end of our relationship, I had begun learning about energy healing and my awareness was beginning to shift and my love for myself was beginning to deepen. So, when an extreme event occurred between us, my eyes opened as if I’d been asleep for five years and I took action leaving the relationship immediately. My beautiful anger fueled me with the fierce power of courage to leave.
My work was only beginning when I left the relationship. When I became free, I began embracing some of my feelings for the first time in a long time. Facing lots of painful realizations.
Can you see how not facing your pain can lead you to situations where you feel stuck, super unhappy and unlovable?
It is because I love myself, I can look at myself, all my parts: what I like and parts I don’t. When I moved out from THE boyfriend into my own place, though it was painful to face my feelings, I began to dance. And one afternoon, I was in the backyard setting up my grill and it began to rain. And I stayed a moment and felt the water tap me all over and was overwhelmed with emotion and joy. I began to dance in the rain.
I’m still a work in progress, becoming aware of and healing parts of me at a deeper level consistently. It’s a journey. And even gravitate to a numbing agent now and again, though most of the time, I write and deal with my feelings or share them with a friend or practice mindfulness or all of the above. And when the rain water and temps are warm, when it rains- especially in the Summer, I get out and dance in the rain.
I don’t have all the things I desire in my life, YET. I’m getting there. I have hope. I have belief. I have love. I live my life as best I can in the present moment. I continue facing my pains. You only get out of it what you put into it. And for me, the dancing becomes an even more vibrant joy when you claim all of you and your feelings. Love deepens and possibilities abound.
We all have shit and it stinks (Thank you Gwenn)… so rather than push it into a pile and pretend it isn’t there stinking…Face it, smell it, accept it and heal so you can embrace all of you and take your dancing up a notch and fully experience the beauty of life.
What is love? What is happiness?
This is what was on my mind after I meditated this morning. So today I’m going to free write my answers and share them with you. Why? Because I believe these are the 2 most important topics of life. And I’m on a mission to help bring more love into the world. So here goes:
Happiness comes from love. Happiness is something that you create in your mind and in your heart. You tap into it even on the days you feel like your world is crashing down around you. Happiness doesn’t mean you always have a smile plastered to your face. It is a state of being. Knowing in your mind and in your heart that even when the shit hits the fan and you are sad or angry about life happenings, somehow you still feel happiness inside you and in your life.
That may sound weird to some people. Maybe to everyone. Maybe it doesn’t even sound real. But it is. I know. I have been that person with life crashing down and not knowing what to do and feeling overwhelmed and yet I still knew I am a happy person dealing with some uncomfortable or shitty situations. It sounds weird rereading what I wrote..maybe even unreal.
How do I better explain? Happiness doesn’t mean I never get mad or sad. It doesn’t mean that I don’t cry or feel pain. I do. Yet somehow I also have hope and faith. I struggle with my hope and faith at times and I have my pity parties and get my dark emotions out and yet I still turn around and know I am happy.
Maybe it is because I know that the discomfort I am going through is temporary even when it feels like it is going on forever. I don’t know when it works out or how but I trust somehow it works out for my greatest good. That doesn’t mean I sit and watch my life go by. I actively participate supporting my intentions and life affirmations bringing about life prosperity. Yet Shit happens. It does. I cannot control anyone or everything. Each of us has free will.
I live most days in gratitude, yet I have moments and days I fall off the wagon. And still I consider myself happy.
Five ways to know you are happy: Keep in mind this is about consistency and NOT PERFECTION.
- You smile from the inside out: not necessarily daily more like consistently and not like it is plastered to your face and fake. A real joyful smile coming from inside you and emanating out of you. So much so, you don’t even realize you are smiling at times and people naturally smile back at you.
- Even when you are going through difficult times, you have hope that your life will get better.
- You can see and accept yourself warts and all most of the time and you give this same acceptance to your inner circle of loved ones.
- You consistently laugh. Maybe not daily, but almost everyday you find something amusing. Laughter is hugely important to happiness
- You live life in the present and enjoy. Worrying creates more to worry about and doesn’t change anything. Just take action where you can.
So if Happiness comes from love, what is love? Love for me is the feeling of acceptance and pure delight. It is loving my imperfections and all of me which makes me, ME. And doing the same for other people. Does that mean I like everything about everyone? No, not even myself. And yet, I accept those things I dislike about myself and about people I love because I love them. I’m not talking about things that hurt people, drastic stuff. I’m talking about the imperfections that make us human and at times drive us crazy, if we allow it. Some of it is how we choose to experience it. There was a time in my life I would say if only ____ would change ____, then we would be happier. That is NOT an example of acceptance or DEEP LOVE.
That is the thinking that keeps us stuck and in the same motions over and over and over. Living out repetitive patterns in many of our relationships. YUCK.
Love for myself: I am my best friend. I enjoy time with me. I am loud and big energy. I love to laugh. I have a sharp tongue, very little filter, a “truck driver’s mouth” and a sharp temper all with my HUGE heart. My loved ones know, I will drop anything to be there for you. I trust easily until it is broken and then it is hard for me to trust again. I’m getting better at forgiveness. My son is great at it and I’m learning from him. Boundaries with strangers are super easy; with loved ones they are harder, yet they are necessary to take care of me. I am in a progressive state of love with my body after many years of war. I love my hair and the way my green eyes change color. I love not looking my age. I’m NOT PERFECT. I aim to do the best I can and be the best me I can be at any given moment and that changes from time to time. I love me. And saying that and meaning it down to my core, makes me happy.
I agree with the Dali Lama about life. Life for me is about the journey of love and happiness.
I am always the strong one. At least that is the illusion I told myself. I am the one who remains clear headed and calm while the chaos ensues around me. I’m the one that handles the crisis during the crisis. The cost is I don’t get to my feelings until much later after the chaos becomes calm.
After the crisis and before I get to my feelings, I am cranky, bitchy, nitpicky. And when I let loose, it is like my insides are falling out of me. I cry tears that could fill the oceans. I sob out loud and I just let go. And man, am I tired when I’m finished. It takes so much energy to hold up the world and keep it together when I just want to cry in that moment. But if I did, then I wouldn’t be the strong one. Or would I?
This is how I grew up. This was the role I created for myself. My unique ability. My “look at me and what I can do talent”. The action I took for approval and love. What I felt I had to do to be loved. Yet, I was already loved. Loved before conception, loved the second I was conceived, the moment I came into this body on this earth. I am love.
Somewhere along the way, I learned being dependable was strong and approved (approval = love) and showing lots of emotion was judged as weak. So, funny, I live my life in a colorful world mixing colors constantly. Yet for this huge decision, I looked at only 2 choices, black or white. My fear erased color and with it possibilities.
I did such a good job playing my “strong one” role that when I shared my feelings with loved ones and began taking off my mask, they responded with “you can handle it, you are strong”. Often, that made me super angry to hear. I wanted the perceived nurturing I saw going to the “weak”. The rescuing. I wanted to be rescued.
And so I tried my hand at being a victim. I didn’t get the reaction I wanted. I received tough words and tough love. And that made me angry and kicked off more fears about me not being loved. A self-fulfilling prophecy?
Life is about possibilities, endless possibilities. Today I am still great in a crisis with my feelings hanging out or running down my face. I allowed myself to see other possibilities. I no longer have HUGE releases after a crisis that drain me of energy. I gave myself permission to feel in the moment. I am the strong one because I allow myself to feel and express my vulnerability without becoming a victim.
And I am grateful for this beautiful awareness. I am grateful for the times I believed in the illusion. And I am so grateful to know the difference. This awareness I pass on to my son. Feel your feelings, acknowledge them. Crying is a release. Admitting you are sad, frustrated, angry, overwhelmed, AFRAID, doesn’t make you weak…it is what you do next that becomes your story. Do you become a victim of woe is me or do you keep moving, find gratitude and live your life, human, vulnerable and strong?
How do you begin reframing what you believe and your behaviors? I’ll share with you what I discovered. My magic powers I’ve used for years…
First you become aware. Then you create an intention. How do you want to embrace your life or a specific aspect of it. Stick with something that stretches your comfort zone and yet you believe it is possible. Sometimes it is your intention that helps grow your awareness. And then develop an affirmation, an I am statement. Something in your own words that you desire and can believe. Both your intention and affirmation may be works in progress. That is absolutely okay.
And finally, gratitude. When I live in gratitude, my fears are quieter. It doesn’t mean they don’t exist, but fear doesn’t get so loud that it controls my life. And when it does, I discover I have forgotten my gratitude.
I realize this may sound too easy or possibly lame depending on your perspective. All I know is it works. It works in my life. And I have the incredible delight of witnessing it change the lives of my clients.
I sit in gratitude almost daily focusing on an intention and affirmation to guide me or grow me that day. And sometimes I have the same intentions and affirmations for a few weeks as I allow myself to change. My gratitude notebook goes everywhere with me in my purse. When I feel something, I write it down. And when I’m struggling, it helps me remember. Some days it might be gratitude that I am breathing or the sun is shining.
I realize this seems so simple. How could something this simple change your life? Try it consistently and watch yourself soar. And if you dare enough to try it, write to me and tell me how your life is changing. I want to dance in celebration for you and with you.
What am I going to write about? The time I struggled and showed my ass by behaving like I’d lost my mind? There are moments I feel like I’m part of the circus or better yet starring in a sit-com. My life is far from always being full of laughter though we laugh a lot in our family.
I get tired of taking everything so seriously. So I put on a pair of “TV glasses” and see what each situation I’m worried about, frustrated with, pissed about, and enjoying would like through the camera of a sit-com.
I discovered this solution when Eli was an infant. I was alone and changing his diaper. He stuck one foot in poop, then another, then his hand. Somehow it got on my hands too. I was by myself at home. And as a new mom, I began to panic. How do I figure this out? How do I get my son and myself clean without getting poop everywhere. Every idea I thought of resulted in me seeing my son ending up falling to the floor. All the tools I needed were in other rooms, The thought of carrying poop from room to room with a dog and three cats standing by to enter the fray filled me with more anxiety. My body tensed and tightened. And then Eli began to cry. Big surprise, right? And then as he wriggled in more poop, for a split second I imagined my reaction if I was watching this on TV. What was the big deal? And I began to laugh. And as I laughed and my body loosened, Eli calmed and smiled. I have no idea how, but somehow I cleaned us both pretty quickly and easily. And from then on, I pulled out my “TV Glasses” during life situations. Any caregivers out there ever experience similar situations?
Which brings me to a few days ago when again I was struggling, frustrated and a little scared. Instead of picturing the sitcom, I cried. I disagreed with my producer for my upcoming radio show and participated in unnecessary arguing drama. I was not fit for human consumption and I felt it in my body. I reflected on all my “life plates” I keep spinning, my to dos. Are these life or death “plates”? Nope. What will happen if I don’t get EVERYTHING done? Nothing. What am I afraid of?
Truth? Falling on my face which is FAILING. Yet even as I say that most of me is not afraid. I know in the deepest part of me, even if I fall on my face there is a reason. I know the experience will provide me with an opportunity. Now truth be told. It isn’t comfortable to fail. So I don’t know of anyone who runs out and says Yes, I’ll choose Failure. What I know is if I don’t choose change, which comes with risks, and pushing out of what is comfortable, I stay stuck.
Complacency becomes another word for stuck. Don’t make waves. Status quo. Don’t ask a tough question because of what might happen. Did you know stuck means you don’t get to experience the fantabulous either?
Self-esteem plays a huge role in your willingness to embrace change. Change can have ALOT of unknown and unfamiliar feelings and factors. So of course complacency will feel better in some aspects because you know it. And you know your outcomes even if they are painful.
So here I go taking another leap: 1) I premiered my radio show heard globally 2) I stopped part of my business marketing which I believed until recently was the largest draw for meeting new clients. I do not know what I’m doing next to grow my community. I trust it will be revealed soon (there was a bit of GULP the first time I said that) 3) I am continuing to lovingly detach as a parent (more on this in future articles). Providing my son opportunities to grow and fail (as safely as I can) 4) I am visibly emerging with live videos on social media, radio, joint ventures with other healers 5) I am learning how to do my radio show from my computer and all the mechanics and marketing (there are at least 10 things here I don’t know) 6) I am allowing in my relationship with Marc instead of listening to the voice telling me to “drive the train”. With more leaping each week and sometimes daily.
And while some days it feels harder and some days I fail. I am still happy everyday. And more and more consistently, I feel an ease and a joy. I feel a freedom like I did as a kid riding my bike super fast with the wind blowing my hair kicking my feet out as I went down a huge hill and yelling WHEEEEEEE!!!
With Love and Gratitude,
Are you familiar with the word chakra and what it is? I invite you to join my touching and sometimes humorous conversation about chakras with Paula Vail of For the Love of Reiki.
Feeling stuck or in pain sucks. Gaining awareness is the first step in healing your self-esteem and living life in happiness. Join me tomorrow morning, November 15th at 9am Eastern, for a real and vulnerable conversation with my friend, Nami Nesterowicz. You will be so glad you did. And while you are listening call us. We want to hear from you. 1-866-472-5792. #selfesteem #love
When you’re in a personal or business conversation with someone you care about, and your conversation becomes negative or argumentative, how do you respond? Do you argue back, withdraw inside or flee out of the room?
I used to handle it either by withdrawing inside and saying nothing, crying (usually leading to some kind of drama), or matching the negativity with my own just as loud. All of those choices left me feeling bad inside and out. Plus the situation sucked out a lot of my energy.
Because I felt less confident (somedays my awareness of my feelings was nada), I felt powerless to change the situation. I mean c’mon, the person I care about in a relationship is not someone I wanted to fight. My boss or the President of a client’s company…definitely not someone I wanted to fight with. I didn’t see a choice other than black and white. Fight or not fight, quit the job or suck it up. I was sooooo wrong.
One day I was in a meeting on the other side of the country with a very important client. I hadn’t slept great. I was feeling self-conscious about my weight and not great in my skin. It was me and two colleagues meeting with the VP and the President of our client’s company. The client President became enraged as we discussed strategy ideas and details. I was VP of our ad agency at the time. My colleagues were the President of our company and the VP of creative. This was one of our biggest clients. The client President launched into attack after attack. We were all floored and had never seen this side of him. I was squirming because the energy in the room dropped and I felt like I was slowly suffocating.
I didn’t sit in silence and I didn’t cry or yell back, though I really wanted to do both. I asked questions and answered his questions hoping to calm the energy and “please him”. I could feel the tension rising all around the room. And my fight/flight instinct was about to go into hyper mode. I took a sip of water to calm myself. And then with every ounce of strength, internally shaking and not listening to my fear, I stood up. It was time for me to pee in this meeting.
Standing up stopped the barrage of attacks from the client President. He stared at me. I looked in his eyes and saw anger and looking deeper I saw below his anger, fear. I could feel how powerless he felt inside himself. Then I calmly said something like: “I truly want to hear the rest of what you are saying. What you are saying is important. I have to pee and cannot wait any longer. Can we take 5? Please excuse me.”
And I walked out of the room. No I didn’t wait for his answer. Is anyone going to tell me I cannot pee? Ha, no way.
I did go to the bathroom. I felt scared and angry. What did I just do? I could get fired or we could lose this account. My feelings from years ago being bullied and feeling crappy about myself came flooding back. I felt disempowered to change ANYTHING back then. I struggled to remember I was NOT her anymore. So I consciously chose taking the time to cleanse my energy, breathe, remind myself of who I am standing tall in my wonderfulness, raising my vibration and protected my energy. Maybe I was gone 5 minutes total.
When I returned, the room was still tense. Definitely fear, but it was so much calmer.
My one act of standing up and walking out disrupted the negative energy flow.
I sat down and smiled radiating and holding my higher energy. We began our meeting again. The President calmed down and even apologized for his poor behavior. I smiled inside and graciously accepted along with my colleagues.
I learned something that day. I learned everyone has choice. You have a choice beyond black and white, fight or flight, your way or their way. I learned about my self-esteem and its effect on the energy I exuded out of me. I felt off when I originally entered the meeting. Insecurity inside myself attracted energy and an experience that mirrored my “less than” feelings. Also, I learned my energy attracted people and experiences into my life like a magnet.
In your life, in your important relationships, you don’t share a brain with your partner/friend/colleague/client. You usually come to each relationship with your own experiences which shaped your beliefs. Chances are you and they will have a conflict or disagreement. Combine deep caring, lack of sleep, hunger, fear of any kind and POW the great making for an argument.
Are you the one igniting the fire? Are you the peacemaker crying and withdrawing? Are you the one that stands up to the igniter and throws gasoline all over it making it even larger and louder?
If you are like me, you’ve been all of them in different relationships during your many life moments.
At the end of the day you and everyone else wants to feel SEEN, HEARD and LOVED. If you remember this and remember you can pee in a meeting which is my unfiltered way of saying…take a time out…THEN you empower yourself to take care of you, love you and handle conflict with calm, faith, hope and love, seeing many possibilities beyond fight or flight disrupting and SHIFTING your energy and the energy in the room. Thus you have the opportunity to then choose another way to communicate with each other and even discover a way to synergize creating a win/win for both of you.
Do you want to discover more secrets and valuable tools to become aware and shift your energy and those feelings of stuck or crappiness about yourself? RSVP now for the limited spaces and reserve your spot for my monthly workshop beginning in September: Exploring Your Body & Emotion’s voice through Chakras
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Years ago, my friends and family would tell me I needed to like myself more. They said I had low self-esteem. It frustrated me to hear what I took as judgement and criticism. That is until the day I realized, they were right.
Self-esteem seems to be a “taboo” topic especially to admit a lack of. It makes you vulnerable or feel somehow less than. Yet it is so common for so many to struggle with their self-identity.
How do you know if you have low self-esteem?
Here are 7 habits revealing you have low self-esteem:
1) Self-doubt: literally is self-distrust, lack confidence; not believing in yourself to achieve anything or specific things you truly desire in your life, negative beliefs, living in negativity
2) Love Lack: Looking for love outside of you to fill you up and make you feel whole (emotionally and sexually); inability or difficult time accepting compliments; negative talk about self
3) Accommodating Boundaries: allowing yourself, your values, your decisions to be walked over or compromised; accommodating others at the detriment to your own needs or desires; more than compromising; giving up; expressing your boundary and not standing up for it when someone crosses it
4) Indecisive: Flip flopper, cannot make a decision, constantly questioning did you make the right decision, changing your mind (from buying shoes to choosing relationships); wishy washy; a “what if” game champ
5) Never-ending search for THE magic pill: always looking for what or who will “fix” you/your life: a better job, more money, a better relationship, more friends, better home or car, new clothes, losing or gaining weight- instead of realizing the MAGIC is like Dorothy and the ruby slippers, it is ALWAYS inside you.
6) Drama Addiction: Drama follows you everywhere; Drama/Crisis shows up throughout your life either by invitation or your own creation; dramatic high test emotional responses and outbursts reacting to all events in your life; lots of fuss and commotion over most events in your life especially the “little things”; little things become BIG things easily for you
7) Invisible/Overtalker: Feeling not heard in conversations as if you’ve said nothing or aren’t there; even feeling frustrated about not being heard that becomes a DRAMA (see #6), pushing your feelings away so you feel less pain; OR Difficulty truly listening just to listen and constantly interrupting and talking over most conversations
If any of these habits sound or feel familiar, chances are your self esteem needs healing.
How do I know? At times in my life:
I have experienced them all many times over sometimes on the same day.
I have been filled with doubt that I could have the life I wanted.
I have gone “looking for love in all the wrong places”.
I have been a “people pleaser” afraid to speak up for myself and compromising myself to fit in or “be liked”.
I have re-lived times in my life replaying what happened, questioning my decisions and torturing myself with “what ifs”.
I have blamed others and twisted myself in knots trying to make relationships what I thought they were supposed to be, finding unhappiness in my job, my body, my clothes and telling myself if these things were what everyone else said they should be OR my perception of what everyone said they should be, THEN my life would improve.
I have created and participated in drama over anything and everything, DRAMA QUEEN.
I have felt the need to talk no matter who else was talking and control the conversation and I have felt completely invisible in a conversation with friends.
I felt stuck, unhappy, uncomfortable, disconnected and insecure. I wanted to escape and have the life I saw people around me having.
Is this you?
I help clients everyday just like you. Click on the link below and let’s talk about where you are, where you want your life to be and how, what I do can help you.