I hate my. . .

Who hasn’t uttered the words I hate my…

-life

-ass

-body

-nose

-laugh

-hair

-name

-job

-eyes

-skin

-nails

-belly

-breasts

-fat

-sex life

-lack of _____

I am the first one raising my hand.  At different times in my life: I’ve said it to myself, to others, I’ve written about it, I’ve thought it and I’ve believed it.  And this by no means is a complete list.  I’m sure I could add more I’ve thought of over the years.  You could probably add to it too.

Do I feel this way anymore? Most of the time, NO.  I have moments where an old “wound” worms its way back in when I’m in transition.

Transition meaning I’m in the process of healing, of growth.  And during times of transition for me I’m more sensitive and sometimes feeling super uncomfortable.  Why? Because I’ve kicked something loose. Something that might’ve been stuck.  Something I believed was serving me or giving me the illusion of safety.  Something that was a part of me.  And now that piece has been discovered by me.  I have an awareness that it’s time to reframe my belief and move to the next step beyond this belief or habit.  And that can be unsettling for any of us.  Not because  we  don’t want to change.  Really we feel unsettled because it’s a change often from the known to the unknown.

And change can be scary.  When I used to believe the list of the things I “hated”, it affected so much of my life.  When I was an adolescent, I hated my name.  It was different.  As a kid, I just wanted to fit in.  And I didn’t.  I had a weird name and I had white blonde hair and was Jewish with a small nose.

I had this unusual name that for some reason people had challenges spelling and pronouncing.  I’m not making this up.  M-A-R-N-I;  MAHR-NEE  came out as: Marty, Bonnie, Marina, Marini, Marin, Mardi, Mardini, Martine….And the spellings went along with it.  Oh how I wanted a name people had heard of like Kim, Lisa, Mary, Jill.

And you know the longer I hated on my name, the more people teased me about it being unusual, didn’t spell it correctly or pronounce it properly.  And when I embraced my name and  made peace with it long ago, it changed.  People still misspell it and still mispronounce it.  That is what it is.  I receive it differently.  And by loving my name and its distinction, people now comment about it positively.  People love on my name as I do.

For me the one that I’ve struggled with most of my life has been my body.  I have to say my body has really been there for me and taken a lot of abuse and still had my back.

My body gave me a safe feeling while I was bulimic.

My body provided more safe feelings later when I was physically abused by a boyfriend and it housed a safe haven for my emotions.

My body helped me deal and heal my relationship with my Mom.

My body provided a beautiful and healthy space to create and grow my son.

My body physically supports me everyday.

This one may shock you…My body provided a scapegoat for me.  A place I could make myself less physically intimidating; a place I could hide my big and beautiful energy so I would be accepted by those who might feel overwhelmed by the real me.

As I’ve healed and had these revelations and stood reveling in the awareness of the magnificence of my body, there was no way I could do anything except LOVE IT.

Yes, Love it.  Hating it didn’t serve me.  And hating it diminished the amazing gifts my body has provided for me over the years.

The process of changing something you HATE into something you LOVE is SIMPLE.  It’s easy.  With most things it’s layers.  Layers of deepening your love.  There are phases along the way that occur as you uncover each layer.  And the first is Awareness.  Nothing changes if your not aware of it, right?  Yet even with awareness, there are layers which I learned and help people working with me learn.

And for me one of the greatest secrets, gifts, tools – call it whatever you want- I’ve discovered is change happens when you tweak or revise  your beliefs.  And you can MORE EASILY change your beliefs when you understand ENERGY.  How it works and how your understanding of your energy and energy, itself, can help you renovate your entire life, one belief or thing you “hate” at a time.

I’ve been using my understanding of my own energy, and the energy around me to: heal my shit and be more in flow;  To bring more love into this world;  To help people just like you, heal their own “hates” and fill up their own love tanks.

The changes show up in your life with:

* increased confidence- not being scared to do things and trusting yourself; speaking up easily and more sexual enjoyment;

*love- taking better care of yourself; happier, able to see options, laughing more, less pain or no pain; sparkling;

*more energy- sleeping better, easier to think, better at work; more “with it” with your kids/spouse/friends, calmer and better sex

How???   As an Intuitive, I understand your emotions.  If you have pain, I can feel it and know how to fix it.  And I help you become aware of it and share what to do so you know how to feel better.  I help you feel your vibes, your energy.  Your vibes tell you where you are with your feelings.  Vibes confirm and tell you your feelings.  And by helping you become aware of your vibes consistently you begin the peeling of the layers.  I add in a mixture of energy healing modalities to support you and bring the healing into your energetic, emotional, physical, mental and spiritual bodies.  My son describes this as sending love to the areas of pain which he says I do by asking my heart to send love out through me.

Why???    I am so passionate about this because I’ve seen in my own life, my son’s life, my husband’s life and the lives of people I work with how your life not only improves, how it can dramatically change and receive the yummies: Love, better sex, stronger relationships, easier parenting, better at work, easier speaking up, sleeping better and more.   It helps you live the life you were meant to live.

I feel so strongly about getting this information to you,  I am bringing the beginning- where the changes all begin, Energetic Foundations to you.

Next week, I share this information through an experiential Tele-class, September 13th 11am -1230pm Eastern.

This is the first time I’m teaching it this way and the $36 price reflects it.  Your participation will help shape how I share this information and it will never again be at this low price EXCEPT on

September 27th, when I teach the class in-person here in Charlotte at Body Mind Shift , 11am-1230pm , $36

Space for both classes is limited.  And anyone who has been to one of my workshops or classes before will tell you:

I overgive beyond what I outline.  And you will receive more than you knew you needed.  I want you to get this information and use it in your life. Click Here to Register for Energetic Foundations

Are you ready for more happiness, being better at work, better sex and more energy for it, being more “with it” with your loved ones, trusting you and more???  IF you are then join me, I would love to help you.

No matter what you choose, I hope you begin to see your “hates” in a new light.  You are each beautiful lights in this world.  Shine your light boldly, with joy and fun.  Let’s light up the world together bringing more peace and love into it.

XO Marni

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Vulnerably Naked

So as many of you who read my blog regularly know, I was bulimic from the age of 8 until I went to treatment at 25.  You don’t go to treatment and POOF, your healed.  It’s a way to get a giant head start (if you are willing to face your discomfort) towards healing.

I’m going to get very vulnerable and share things I usually reserve for my  closest of close.  What I’m sharing  I used to feel shame about.  How could I help other people heal if I still struggled with this shit?   What I know, is that sharing my own struggles allows you to see the real me and I know helps my clients connect and trust me at a deeper level for their own healing.  So here goes:

Over the years, my body went from a very bulimic size 4 with my ribs sticking out (compare this with a 2 or 0 by today’s sizing) to very oversized past 20.  Why?

When my size began to change:

  1. My physical body was catching up to my energy, HUGELY powerful

  2. I lived with a man right after college,  I believed I would marry.  One night he came home drunk, we had a brief conversation and beat the shit out of me.  And somewhere inside me I decided to make my size larger to protect me. (unconscious decision)

  3. I was having conflict with my mom at one point in my life and her go to was appearance.  She was raised with appearance being SUPER important.  Most specifically size.  And in my anger at her, I was saying “F-U…here I am bigger and bigger…I dare you to love me anyway.”  I know this isn’t rational.  Feelings rarely are or they wouldn’t be feelings.

  4. I lived with a man I believed I would marry (different from the earlier man).  This man I never wanted to date and ended up with him for 5 years and lost parts of myself in the process.  While he wasn’t physically abusive, he was emotionally abusive, manipulative, and vindictive.

  5. Beginning when I was young, someone super close to me told me I was TOO BIG (energetically), TOO MUCH, TOO LOUD, TOO INTIMIDATING.  So to make myself less intimidating, even after I healed my mom stuff , the physical fear, and  the emotional fear,  I reduced my size to a point and then stagnated, hitting a plateau.

I didn’t know all my whys immediately.  Each one of these whys was a layer of healing.  The healing began with awareness and then facing each belief; looking them in the eye, admitting this was my truth and my pain. Then, FORGIVING not just anyone else involved but above all ME.  Forgiving ME.  You can’t completely love yourself when you are unwilling or unable to forgive.

It didn’t happen like a light switch flipping on.  It took time.  Time for me to sit in the awareness.  Time for me to admit to myself the TRUTH.  Time for me to embrace the discomfort. Time for me to let go and forgive.  Time for me to activate my new beliefs.

And over the last 25 years I’ve done so much healing.  The connection between understanding my energy and its relationship to chakras became instrumental in my healing. And yet, I’ve known for awhile there was one sliver left tied to my body size.   I knew it was emotional.   And I was so ready to not just gain awareness but look it in the eye, forgive it and me and change my belief.  I was done dragging this around  and ready to be FREE.

The last piece is #5.  So for years I kept getting messages intuitively and through other healers to LOVE my body.  Okay…well, that came in stages.  I loved me for a long time and then I got pregnant and realized I never in all my life since my bulimic days, did I truly love my stomach.  Pregnancy was the first time I demonstrated love for this part of my body.  Not that other parts of me didn’t get larger…but it was my stomach where I held most of my shit: my anger and my fear.

When you understand the relationship between your energy and chakras, this makes complete sense.  Most of this related to my 2nd and 3rd chakras.  Feelings and Self.   For years I didn’t face my feelings, sometimes hiding through sex, food, Pot, TV, anything that would numb or zone me out.  I also spent years rebuilding my confidence in me, my self-belief, self-worth, my value.

So overtime I fell in love with my body.  It wasn’t right away.  For  a long time I equated beauty with size as it related to me.  Not when looking at anyone else.  With anyone else, I would pick up on their energy.  And their energy would either attract me or turn me off.

It took that realization to understand and accept, it works with me too.  So when my hubby or friends told me I was beautiful or glowing, I could truly receive it.

I knew I was ready a couple of years ago.  One of my energy mentors, Sonia Choquette, came to Charlotte.  I always knew I would meet her.  Well, my interaction ended up way beyond meeting.  She brought me up on stage with her and I danced, BY MYSELF, as part of healing, on the stage in front of 200+ peeps. If I didn’t know my body confidence before that night and my love, I knew it for sure then.  I wasn’t nervous.  I just put myself out there and was me and FREE.  This was a defining moment in my life.

And I thought.  That’s it.  I’m finally done with this part.  And while my size would begin to shrink, it plateaued.  And I knew there was something more.  And here is what kept coming up…

If I truly love my body, how can I ask it to change?  I believed if I truly loved my body, just like loving another person, you accept it or them, warts and all.  So if I was asking my body to change, then I couldn’t truly love it.  Could I?

YES, I could.  This was it.  This was a large fragment of what’s been stopping me.  Reframe the belief:

I love myself inside and out.  And loving myself and my BIG energy, I no longer need the protection of a bigger size.  I no longer need to put my desires in a drawer and make myself less intimidating physically to make loved ones, clients, friends, anyone more comfortable.  I can be me in my full beautiful power while my ideal physical body is  smaller in stature.  And while some people may feel overwhelmed by my energy, some of that is their own shit to heal.  It is what it is.  AND without altering my energy and who I am, I can adjust my delivery in ways less likely to overwhelm.

This reframed belief feels natural.  Easy.  And for me I feel it (my energy and energetic confirmations)in my body.  I get a tingling in my arms from my shoulders to my elbows running down and then back up and leaving me with goose bumps.

So now I’m feeling a bit emotionally naked and exposed and YET, I feel free.  We all have issues.  And if sharing mine helps you know you’re not alone, I’ve done what I set out to do.  If sharing my story stirred you up and made you uncomfortable, I’ve done what I’ve set out to do.  If sharing my story touched you in a way that you want to talk about it, I’m here for you. Just invite me into a conversation.

I’m here to share my story and help others heal.  I’m here to hold space so you can do the work you need to do.  And while I hold the space, you do the work and  feel safe.

XO

Marni

 

Scarcity or Abundance?

Had a convo with a new friend recently. We were at a local spot with a community board. As I went to grab a napkin, I noticed a couple of colleague’s cards on the board. And shared with her, I was excited to see people I knew.

My new friend, jokingly suggested, I take out the competition and pull their cards down. Now she was honestly kidding when she said it. This is something I would never even think of doing, though I know there are folks out there that do. No judgement. Seriously. It is just where they are in this experience we call life.

Continue reading “Scarcity or Abundance?”

Taking the STING out of Conflicts

So the other day I was sharing a story my son’s day  at camp with a friend.  And she was struck by the way he handled a conflict with a friend.

A day or two before Eli had been called a name by this friend.  He handled the conflicts as most 9 year olds would and even lots of us adults.  He was upset.  So he got a counselor involved.

The next day he and the friend kind of avoided each other.  And Eli was still upset thinking the friend didn’t like him anymore.

I’m so grateful he shares this with me and Marc so we can counsel him.  So I asked him a few questions:

 

  1. What is the story you are writing?   You know the one I mean? The one that hasn’t happened yet.  The one that is projecting from your Ego/FearVoice/Inner Critic?

*Writing a story or ASSUMING what will happen shifts your energy and the energy of the situation.  REMEMBER: Energy follows Energy

This type of thinking can bring about increased stress, anxiety, depression, anger and yet- NOTHING has happened YET.

Try not to be mad at the fear voice.  It is only trying to protect you and keep you safe.  Instead give it gratitude.  Thank it for having your back.  And then tell it.  I’m SAFE.  Please get quieter so I can hear my Heart/Intuitive voice.

This is the voice that won’t steer you wrong.  It leads from LOVE.

Now Eli, had already decided his friend was done with him.  They were not friends.  And he decided that if Eli approached the friend he would not be received.

So we role played with each other and with his stuffed animals.  We did some silly ones, some funny ones, some angry ones and some positive outcome ones.  And Eli began to see the story hadn’t been written… YET.

2.  The next question I asked him “What from your past hurts is feeding your worries. ”  Can you think of another time when you felt this same way? OR When the story you are writing came true?

Now Eli has been doing a tremendous healing around an incident that happened a couple of years ago when a man in charge of his Tae Kwon Do after school program physically threatened him.  So he was able to speak his feelings about this AND the bullying by the older kids in the program who tortured him while the adult provided no protection or solace.

He connected TRUST and his own CONFIDENCE were the wounds contributing to the story writing.

3.  Next I asked him: Where is your power when you write these stories?  Where is your trust and confidence?

He is so cute.  He said “Mommy, I give away my power when I don’t trust myself and God to help me and that makes me feel not confident. And Mommy, you taught me energy follows energy.  So I’m bringing my energy down when I could TRUST myself and God which will give me the power and confidence to do something different.”

I have to admit my eyes welled up with tears at this point.  It has been a short, yet long 2 year journey filled with some scary shit. So to hear him say all this was beautiful and such a testament to his amazingness and the POWER LOVE has in healing.

4.  We spoke about his options of what he could do the next day.  All of it being his choice.  Do nothing.  Ask a counselor to help him speak with the friend.  Speak with the friend on his own using a powerful technique called “I statements”.  And more.

BEFORE making this decision, I asked him to sit with this.  Think back to the time you’ve spent with this friend BEFORE the conflict.  Is this someone you really enjoyed?  Did you feed each other’s energy? Did you have fun? Was there a mutual respect until the conflict?  And if you could have the outcome you desire, what would it be?

Marc and I told him this was his to decide and there was NO right and NO wrong.  We’ve both tried many of these things with great outcomes and shitty outcomes.  He had to really feel this out.

So here is what he did: He found the friend and asked if they could speak (BIG ASS COURAGE for my guy).  The friend agreed.

Then Eli used the POWER of “I” statements.

 

 

When you do _____

I feel _____

Because ____ (vulnerable)_____

Self reflective share

And then he gave his friend an opportunity to do the same.  Though at 9, his friend didn’t know what to do.  So he asked Eli if they could move forward and be friends.  And Eli being the forgiving soul he is, said YES.  And off they went.

The “I” statement takes the  sting out of confrontation while you stay in your power during a conflict.  And provides an easy to maneuver conversation aiding in coming to resolution.  All involved are seen and heard through this SUPER POWER tool.

The keys in conflict is know you are getting stirred up by your wounds, your fears.  If possible finding space to calm, breathe and discern the answers to the questions I asked Eli will help you process.

And the “I” statement during confrontation, conflict, in the heat of the moment…helps empower you and the other person.  It keeps you from going below the belt and provides the beginning of a map to communicating through the conflict and synergizing a solution.  And that takes the STING out.

Look, none of us is perfect.  And we aren’t here in this life to be perfect.  It’s about learning, experiencing and loving while we are here.  You are going to make mistakes, you are going to make bad choices.  You can drown in them or choose to learn from them.

Free will baby, it’s all about choice.
XO

How do you face your pain, so you can dance in the rain?

How do you face your pain, so you can dance in the rain?

This one’s hard for me to write. I had an AHA moment the other day about a choice I made a year ago. I used anger to numb my feelings of pain and stress. Many of us live lives with giant stressors daily. And when we don’t want to feel the stress or the feelings below the stress (usually fear, unworthy, unlovable, etc), we go for our drug of choice. Lashing out to cover up the real feeling inside.  Excessive anything creates life imbalance.  Yet, who hasn’t felt super sad and gone for something to “comfort” yourself?

You just want to numb out pain so you don’t have to feel.  No judgement here. We each have a drug of choice we gravitate towards.  Our choice serves us by numbing us and giving us the illusion of protection from pain. 

What is your drug of choice so you don’t have to feel?

*excess alcohol

*drugs

*over exercise

*bulimic

*anorexic

*smoking

*workaholic or constant busyness

*anger

*victim

*food

*sleep

*shopping

*overgiving 

With me, it wasn’t always an occasional thing. For a long time my drug of choice was bulimia.  This was “my thing” from the time I was 8, off and on (more on than off), until I was 25.  When I wasn’t choosing bulimia to numb me out, I chose anger to numb my bigger feelings of unlovable or unworthy; dissatisfaction in my body, my relationships, my career. Hugely big and scary.  I believed anger protected me from feeling weak and from anyone seeing how awful I really felt.  So not true.  My “hidden” feelings kept me from establishing strong valuable relationships; kept me from satisfaction in my career; kept me from enjoying my life. And what’s worse? I kept receiving more experiences and situations reflecting the shitty way I felt inside. 

This is true for most of us.  We have painful feelings we don’t want to feel including parts of ourselves we don’t want to claim.  So instead we are hiding that shit by not admitting it to ourselves and/or numbing the pain with our drug or drugs of choice.  You can definitely use more than one and may even use one I haven’t listed.

So how does facing your pain help you dance in the rain? For starters, you cannot truly love all of you if you can’t see and accept all of you.  And if you are not seeing all of you or unaware of your feelings because you’ve kept them hidden or numb for so long, then you don’t have awareness.  You cannot change or claim what you are unaware of.  So begin with awareness, ie. Facing your pain. Later after you face it, you can work on accepting it, shifting it, making changes…all kinds of healing.

Facing your pain can be scary and can feel HUGE.  Some of us hate change and facing pain is a big ass change. Claiming who you are, in all your glory and imperfectness is also a BIG CHANGE.  When it feels HUGE, the feelings you haven’t felt in a long time feel overwhelming, neverending and gigantic.  Thus, your reactions can be on the extreme side. 

You see I was in and out of numbness almost 20 years., When I started feeling again it felt HUGE, EXTREME, IMBALANCED.  The highs were high and the lows were LOW.  Who wants deal with that? I didn’t.  It felt like a rollercoaster at times and not in a fun way.  Yet to get to awareness and balance (the beginning of dancing), I had to face the pain and the extremes.   

And this is typically not a one and done situation.  Meaning you don’t have just one feeling you’ve not faced or one thing about yourself you don’t like or accept.  IT’S usually deeper and multiples. 

My numb imbalanced feelings lead me into a relationship for 5 years with someone I never wanted to date.  I fell into this relationship after I was in bulimic recovery and began loving myself.  And this is so common.  I see this with clients too.  While my love for me was deeper than before, I still had so many feelings of lack: value, worth, esteem.   This also translated into poor boundaries too.  And this boyfriend mirrored all my lack feelings back to me during our time together.  Since I was already in bulimic recovery, I turned to a different drug to numb my feelings.  I smoked A LOT of pot.  I numbed out feelings of sadness, lack of worth, self-doubt and just plain feeling unlovable as me.  I accepted treatment within the relationship that would have me out the door immediately and never looking back today. It was a mirror of how I felt about me.  

Towards the end of our relationship, I had begun learning about energy healing and my awareness was beginning to shift and my love for myself was beginning to deepen.  So, when an extreme event occurred between us,  my eyes opened as if I’d been asleep for five years and I took action leaving the relationship immediately.  My beautiful anger fueled me with the fierce power of courage to leave.  

My work was only beginning when I left the relationship.  When I became free, I began embracing some of my feelings for the first time in a long time.  Facing lots of painful realizations.

Can you see how not facing your pain can lead you to situations where you feel stuck, super unhappy and unlovable?

It is because I love myself, I can look at myself, all my parts: what I like and parts I don’t.  When I moved out from THE boyfriend into my own place, though it was painful to face my feelings, I began to dance.  And one afternoon, I was in the backyard setting up my grill and it began to rain.  And I stayed a moment and felt the water tap me all over and was overwhelmed with emotion and joy.  I began to dance in the rain. 

I’m still a work in progress, becoming aware of and healing parts of me at a deeper level consistently.  It’s a journey. And even gravitate to a numbing agent now and again, though most of the time, I write and deal with my feelings or share them with a friend or practice mindfulness or all of the above. And when the rain water and temps are warm, when it rains- especially in the Summer, I get out and dance in the rain. 

I don’t have all the things I desire in my life, YET.  I’m getting there.  I have hope.  I have belief.  I have love. I live my life as best I can in the present moment.  I continue facing my pains.  You only get out of it what you put into it.  And for me, the dancing becomes an even more vibrant joy when you claim all of you and your feelings.  Love deepens and possibilities abound.

We all have shit and it stinks (Thank you Gwenn)… so rather than push it into a pile and pretend it isn’t there stinking…Face it, smell it, accept it and heal so you can embrace all of you and take your dancing up a notch and fully experience the beauty of life.  

XO Marni

What is Happy and What is Love? How do you know?

What is love?   What is happiness? 

This is what was on my mind after I meditated this morning.  So today I’m going to free write my answers and share them with you.  Why? Because I believe these are the 2 most important topics of life.  And I’m on a mission to help bring more love into the world.  So here goes:

Happiness comes from love.  Happiness is something that you create in your mind and in your heart.  You tap into it even on the days you feel like your world is crashing down around you.  Happiness doesn’t mean you always have a smile plastered to your face.  It is a state of being.  Knowing in your mind and in your heart that even when the shit hits the fan and you are sad or angry about life happenings, somehow you still feel happiness inside you and in your life. 

That may sound weird to some people.
  Maybe to everyone.  Maybe it doesn’t even sound real.  But it is.  I know.  I have been that person with life crashing down and not knowing what to do and feeling overwhelmed and yet I still knew I am a happy person dealing with some uncomfortable or shitty situations.  It sounds weird rereading what I wrote..maybe even unreal. 

How do I better explain? Happiness doesn’t mean I never get mad or sad.  It doesn’t mean that I don’t cry or feel pain.  I do.  Yet somehow I also have hope and faith.  I struggle with my hope and faith at times and I have my pity parties and get my dark emotions out and yet I still turn around and know I am happy. 

Maybe it is because I know that the discomfort I am going through is temporary even when it feels like it is going on forever.  I don’t know when it works out or how but I trust somehow it works out for my greatest good.  That doesn’t mean I sit and watch my life go by.  I actively participate supporting my intentions and life affirmations bringing about life prosperity.  Yet Shit happens.  It does.  I cannot control anyone or everything.  Each of us has free will.

I live most days in gratitude, yet I have moments and days I fall off the wagon.  And still I consider myself happy.  

Five ways to know you are happy: Keep in mind this is about consistency and NOT PERFECTION.

  1. You smile from the inside out: not necessarily daily more like consistently and not like it is plastered to your face and fake.  A real joyful smile coming from inside you and emanating out of you.  So much so, you don’t even realize you are smiling at times and people naturally smile back at you.
  2. Even when you are going through difficult times, you have hope that your life will get better.  
  3. You can see and accept yourself warts and all most of the time and you give this same acceptance to your inner circle of loved ones.
  4. You consistently laugh.  Maybe not daily, but almost everyday you find something amusing.  Laughter is hugely important to happiness
  5.  You live life in the present and enjoy. Worrying creates more to worry about and doesn’t change anything.  Just take action where you can.

So if Happiness comes from love, what is love? Love for me is the feeling of acceptance and pure delight.  It is loving my imperfections and all of me which makes me, ME.  And doing the same for other people.  Does that mean I like everything about everyone? No, not even myself.  And yet, I accept those things I dislike about myself and about people I love because I love them.  I’m not talking about things that hurt people, drastic stuff.  I’m talking about the imperfections that make us human and at times drive us crazy, if we allow it.  Some of it is how we choose to experience it.  There was a time in my life I would say if only ____ would change ____, then we would be happier. That is NOT an example of acceptance or DEEP LOVE.  

That is the thinking that keeps us stuck and in the same motions over and over and over.  Living out repetitive patterns in many of our relationships.  YUCK. 

Love for myself: I am my best friend.  I enjoy time with me.  I am loud and big energy.  I love to laugh. I have a sharp tongue, very little filter, a “truck driver’s mouth”  and a sharp temper all with my  HUGE heart.  My loved ones know, I will drop anything to be there for you.  I trust easily until it is broken and then it is hard for me to trust again.  I’m getting better at forgiveness.  My son is great at it and I’m learning from him.  Boundaries with strangers are super easy; with loved ones they are harder, yet they are necessary to take care of me.  I am in a progressive state of love with my body after many years of war.  I love my hair and the way my green eyes change color.  I love not looking my age.  I’m NOT PERFECT.  I aim to do the best I can and be the best me I can be at any given moment and that changes from time to time.  I love me.  And saying that and meaning it down to my core, makes me happy.

 

I agree with the Dali Lama about life. Life for me is about the journey of love and happiness. 

XO

 Ask me about this…

I Am Always The Strong One

I am always the strong one.  At least that is the illusion I told myself.  I am the one who remains clear headed and calm while the chaos ensues around me.  I’m the one that handles the crisis during the crisis.  The cost is I don’t get to my feelings until much later after the chaos becomes calm. 

After the crisis and before I get to my feelings, I am cranky, bitchy, nitpicky.  And when I let loose, it is like my insides are falling out of me.  I cry tears that could fill the oceans.  I sob out loud and I just let go.  And man, am I tired when I’m finished.  It takes so much energy to hold up the world and keep it together when I just want to cry in that moment.  But if I did, then I wouldn’t be the strong one. Or would I?

This is how I grew up.  This was the role I created for myself.  My unique ability.  My “look at me and what I can do talent”.  The action I took for approval and love.  What I felt I had to do to be loved.  Yet, I was already loved.  Loved before conception, loved the second I was conceived, the moment I came into this body on this earth.  I am love. 

Somewhere along the way, I learned being dependable was strong and approved (approval = love) and showing lots of emotion was judged as weak.  So, funny, I live my life in a colorful world mixing colors constantly.  Yet for this huge decision, I looked at only 2 choices, black or white.  My fear erased color and with it possibilities. 

I did such a good job playing my “strong one” role that when I shared my feelings with loved ones and began taking off my mask, they responded with “you can handle it, you are strong”.  Often, that made me super angry to hear.  I wanted the perceived nurturing I saw going to the “weak”.  The rescuing.  I wanted to be rescued. 

And so I tried my hand at being a victim.  I didn’t get the reaction I wanted.  I received tough words and tough love. And that made me angry and kicked off more fears about me not being loved.  A self-fulfilling prophecy?

Life is about possibilities, endless possibilities.  Today I am still great in a crisis with my feelings hanging out or running down my face.  I allowed myself to see other possibilities.  I no longer have HUGE releases after a crisis that drain me of energy.  I gave myself permission to feel in the moment.  I am the strong one because I allow myself to feel and express my vulnerability without becoming a victim.

And I am grateful for this beautiful awareness.  I am grateful for the times I believed in the illusion.  And I am so grateful to know the difference.   This awareness I pass on to my son.  Feel your feelings, acknowledge them.  Crying is a release.  Admitting you are sad, frustrated, angry, overwhelmed, AFRAID, doesn’t make you weak…it is what you do next that becomes your story.  Do you become a victim of woe is me or do you keep moving, find gratitude and live your life, human, vulnerable and strong?

How do you begin reframing what you believe and your behaviors? I’ll share with you what I discovered. My magic powers I’ve used for years…

First you become aware.  Then you create an intention.  How do you want to embrace your life or a specific aspect of it.  Stick with something that stretches your comfort zone and yet you believe it is possible.  Sometimes it is your intention that helps grow your awareness.  And then develop an affirmation, an I am statement.  Something in your own words that you desire and can believe.  Both your intention and affirmation may be works in progress.  That is absolutely okay. 

And finally, gratitude.  When I live in gratitude, my fears are quieter.  It doesn’t mean they don’t exist, but fear doesn’t get so loud that it controls my life.  And when it does, I discover I have forgotten my gratitude.

I realize this may sound too easy or possibly lame depending on your perspective.  All I know is it works.  It works in my life.  And I have the incredible delight of witnessing it change the lives of my clients.

I sit in gratitude almost daily focusing on an intention and affirmation to guide me or grow me that day.  And sometimes I have the same intentions and affirmations for a few weeks as I allow myself to change.  My gratitude notebook goes everywhere with me in my purse.  When I feel something, I write it down.  And when I’m struggling, it helps me remember.  Some days it might be gratitude that I am breathing or the sun is shining. 

I realize this seems so simple. How could something this simple change your life? Try it consistently and watch yourself soar.  And if you dare enough to try it, write to me and tell me how your life is changing.  I want to dance in celebration for you and with you.   

 

I struggle

What am I going to write about? The time I struggled and showed my ass by behaving like I’d lost my mind? There are moments I feel like I’m part of the circus or better yet starring in a sit-com.  My life is far from always being full of laughter though we laugh a lot in our family.

I get tired of taking everything so seriously.  So I put on a pair of “TV glasses” and see what each situation I’m worried about, frustrated with, pissed about, and enjoying would like through the camera of a sit-com.

I discovered this solution when Eli was an infant.  I was alone and changing his diaper.  He stuck one foot in poop, then another, then his hand.  Somehow it got on my hands too.  I was by myself at home.  And as a new mom, I began to panic.  How do I figure this out? How do I get my son and myself clean without getting poop everywhere.  Every idea I thought of resulted in me seeing my son ending up falling to the floor.  All the tools I needed were in other rooms,  The thought of carrying poop from room to room with a dog and three cats standing by to enter the fray filled me with more anxiety.   My body tensed and tightened.  And then Eli began to cry.  Big surprise, right?  And then as he wriggled in more poop, for a split second I imagined my reaction if I was watching this on TV.  What was the big deal? And I began to laugh.  And as I laughed and my body loosened, Eli calmed and smiled.  I have no idea how, but somehow I cleaned us both pretty quickly and easily.  And from then on, I pulled out my “TV Glasses” during life situations.  Any caregivers out there ever experience similar situations?

Which brings me to a few days ago when again I was struggling, frustrated and a little scared.  Instead of picturing the sitcom, I cried.  I disagreed with my producer for my upcoming radio show and participated in unnecessary arguing drama.  I was not fit for human consumption and I felt it in my body. I reflected on all my “life plates” I keep spinning, my to dos.  Are these life or death “plates”? Nope.  What will happen if I don’t get EVERYTHING done? Nothing.  What am I afraid of?

Truth? Falling on my face which is FAILING. Yet even as I say that most of me is not afraid.  I know in the deepest part of me, even if I fall on my face there is a reason.  I know the experience will provide me with an opportunity.  Now truth be told.  It isn’t comfortable to fail.  So I don’t know of anyone who runs out and says Yes, I’ll choose Failure.  What I know is if I don’t choose change,  which comes with risks, and pushing out of what is comfortable, I stay stuck.

Complacency becomes another word for stuck.  Don’t make waves. Status quo.   Don’t ask a tough question because of what might happen.  Did you know stuck means you don’t get to experience the fantabulous either?

Self-esteem plays a huge role in your willingness to embrace change.  Change can have ALOT of unknown and unfamiliar feelings and factors.  So of course complacency will feel better in some aspects because you know it.  And you know your outcomes even if they are painful.

So here I go taking another leap:  1) I premiered my radio show heard globally   2) I stopped part of my business marketing which I believed until recently was the largest draw for meeting new clients.   I do not know what I’m doing next to grow my community.   I trust it will be revealed soon (there was a bit of GULP the first time I said that)  3) I am continuing to lovingly detach as a parent (more on this in future articles). Providing my son opportunities to grow and fail (as safely as I can)  4) I am visibly emerging with  live videos on social media, radio, joint ventures with other healers 5) I am learning how to do my radio show from my computer and all the mechanics and marketing (there are at least 10 things here I don’t know)  6) I am allowing in my relationship with Marc instead of listening to the voice telling me to “drive the train”.  With more leaping each week and sometimes daily.

And while some days it feels harder and some days I fail.  I am still happy everyday.  And more and more consistently, I feel an ease and a joy.  I feel a freedom like I did as a kid riding my bike super fast with the wind blowing my hair kicking my feet out as I went down a huge hill and yelling WHEEEEEEE!!!

With Love and Gratitude,

Marni

 

Self-Esteem: Reclaiming Yours

Feeling stuck or in pain sucks. Gaining awareness is the first step in healing your self-esteem and living life in happiness. Join me tomorrow morning, November 15th at 9am Eastern, for a real and vulnerable conversation with my friend, Nami Nesterowicz. You will be so glad you did. And while you are listening call us. We want to hear from you. 1-866-472-5792. #selfesteem #love

 

TROUBLE VIEWING?
Click Here to view the Promo card on the web

SIGN-UP NOW!
Click to become a VoiceAmerica Member for Free!


Voiceamerica

voiceamerica-health-and-wellness

Apple Store

Play Store

Kindle Store

Apple Store


Heal Your Sh#t with Marni

Tuesday at 6 AM Pacific

November 15, 2016: Self-Esteem Healing: Reclaiming Yours

Join me and my friend and Master Healer, Nami in our heart tugging and at times playful conversation about healing self-esteem. I’ll share the 7 Habits indicating your self-esteem needs healing; Become part of our conversation as Nami and I share our own stories and tools we used to shift and reclaim our own self-esteem. Tune in and call us we want to hear from you and hear your questions.



Bookmark and Share

Download PDF

Tune in

Seperator


Tuesday at 6 AM Pacific Time on VoiceAmerica Health & Wellness Channel
View Channel Page View On Demand View Host Page

Featured Guest

Seperator

 

Are you looking for an incredibly powerful Master Healer?

Nami will bring Angelic energies to heal heartache, grief and pain – among other things. Allow Nami to help jump-start the healing process based on channeled angelic messages. You will feel uplifted and energized by the experience.


Share This Episode

Seperator


facebook-share

twitter-share

linkedin-shae

Connect with VoiceAmerica

Seperator

Download our mobile apps


App Stor

Google play

Amazon store

Amazon store
Devider

Google++

Facebook

Twitter

LinkedIn

LinkedIn

presspass-banner







https://www.voiceamerica.com/episode/95549/self-esteem-healing-reclaiming-yours