Vulnerably Naked

So as many of you who read my blog regularly know, I was bulimic from the age of 8 until I went to treatment at 25.  You don’t go to treatment and POOF, your healed.  It’s a way to get a giant head start (if you are willing to face your discomfort) towards healing.

I’m going to get very vulnerable and share things I usually reserve for my  closest of close.  What I’m sharing  I used to feel shame about.  How could I help other people heal if I still struggled with this shit?   What I know, is that sharing my own struggles allows you to see the real me and I know helps my clients connect and trust me at a deeper level for their own healing.  So here goes:

Over the years, my body went from a very bulimic size 4 with my ribs sticking out (compare this with a 2 or 0 by today’s sizing) to very oversized past 20.  Why?

When my size began to change:

  1. My physical body was catching up to my energy, HUGELY powerful

  2. I lived with a man right after college,  I believed I would marry.  One night he came home drunk, we had a brief conversation and beat the shit out of me.  And somewhere inside me I decided to make my size larger to protect me. (unconscious decision)

  3. I was having conflict with my mom at one point in my life and her go to was appearance.  She was raised with appearance being SUPER important.  Most specifically size.  And in my anger at her, I was saying “F-U…here I am bigger and bigger…I dare you to love me anyway.”  I know this isn’t rational.  Feelings rarely are or they wouldn’t be feelings.

  4. I lived with a man I believed I would marry (different from the earlier man).  This man I never wanted to date and ended up with him for 5 years and lost parts of myself in the process.  While he wasn’t physically abusive, he was emotionally abusive, manipulative, and vindictive.

  5. Beginning when I was young, someone super close to me told me I was TOO BIG (energetically), TOO MUCH, TOO LOUD, TOO INTIMIDATING.  So to make myself less intimidating, even after I healed my mom stuff , the physical fear, and  the emotional fear,  I reduced my size to a point and then stagnated, hitting a plateau.

I didn’t know all my whys immediately.  Each one of these whys was a layer of healing.  The healing began with awareness and then facing each belief; looking them in the eye, admitting this was my truth and my pain. Then, FORGIVING not just anyone else involved but above all ME.  Forgiving ME.  You can’t completely love yourself when you are unwilling or unable to forgive.

It didn’t happen like a light switch flipping on.  It took time.  Time for me to sit in the awareness.  Time for me to admit to myself the TRUTH.  Time for me to embrace the discomfort. Time for me to let go and forgive.  Time for me to activate my new beliefs.

And over the last 25 years I’ve done so much healing.  The connection between understanding my energy and its relationship to chakras became instrumental in my healing. And yet, I’ve known for awhile there was one sliver left tied to my body size.   I knew it was emotional.   And I was so ready to not just gain awareness but look it in the eye, forgive it and me and change my belief.  I was done dragging this around  and ready to be FREE.

The last piece is #5.  So for years I kept getting messages intuitively and through other healers to LOVE my body.  Okay…well, that came in stages.  I loved me for a long time and then I got pregnant and realized I never in all my life since my bulimic days, did I truly love my stomach.  Pregnancy was the first time I demonstrated love for this part of my body.  Not that other parts of me didn’t get larger…but it was my stomach where I held most of my shit: my anger and my fear.

When you understand the relationship between your energy and chakras, this makes complete sense.  Most of this related to my 2nd and 3rd chakras.  Feelings and Self.   For years I didn’t face my feelings, sometimes hiding through sex, food, Pot, TV, anything that would numb or zone me out.  I also spent years rebuilding my confidence in me, my self-belief, self-worth, my value.

So overtime I fell in love with my body.  It wasn’t right away.  For  a long time I equated beauty with size as it related to me.  Not when looking at anyone else.  With anyone else, I would pick up on their energy.  And their energy would either attract me or turn me off.

It took that realization to understand and accept, it works with me too.  So when my hubby or friends told me I was beautiful or glowing, I could truly receive it.

I knew I was ready a couple of years ago.  One of my energy mentors, Sonia Choquette, came to Charlotte.  I always knew I would meet her.  Well, my interaction ended up way beyond meeting.  She brought me up on stage with her and I danced, BY MYSELF, as part of healing, on the stage in front of 200+ peeps. If I didn’t know my body confidence before that night and my love, I knew it for sure then.  I wasn’t nervous.  I just put myself out there and was me and FREE.  This was a defining moment in my life.

And I thought.  That’s it.  I’m finally done with this part.  And while my size would begin to shrink, it plateaued.  And I knew there was something more.  And here is what kept coming up…

If I truly love my body, how can I ask it to change?  I believed if I truly loved my body, just like loving another person, you accept it or them, warts and all.  So if I was asking my body to change, then I couldn’t truly love it.  Could I?

YES, I could.  This was it.  This was a large fragment of what’s been stopping me.  Reframe the belief:

I love myself inside and out.  And loving myself and my BIG energy, I no longer need the protection of a bigger size.  I no longer need to put my desires in a drawer and make myself less intimidating physically to make loved ones, clients, friends, anyone more comfortable.  I can be me in my full beautiful power while my ideal physical body is  smaller in stature.  And while some people may feel overwhelmed by my energy, some of that is their own shit to heal.  It is what it is.  AND without altering my energy and who I am, I can adjust my delivery in ways less likely to overwhelm.

This reframed belief feels natural.  Easy.  And for me I feel it (my energy and energetic confirmations)in my body.  I get a tingling in my arms from my shoulders to my elbows running down and then back up and leaving me with goose bumps.

So now I’m feeling a bit emotionally naked and exposed and YET, I feel free.  We all have issues.  And if sharing mine helps you know you’re not alone, I’ve done what I set out to do.  If sharing my story stirred you up and made you uncomfortable, I’ve done what I’ve set out to do.  If sharing my story touched you in a way that you want to talk about it, I’m here for you. Just invite me into a conversation.

I’m here to share my story and help others heal.  I’m here to hold space so you can do the work you need to do.  And while I hold the space, you do the work and  feel safe.

XO

Marni

 

Scarcity or Abundance?

Had a convo with a new friend recently. We were at a local spot with a community board. As I went to grab a napkin, I noticed a couple of colleague’s cards on the board. And shared with her, I was excited to see people I knew.

My new friend, jokingly suggested, I take out the competition and pull their cards down. Now she was honestly kidding when she said it. This is something I would never even think of doing, though I know there are folks out there that do. No judgement. Seriously. It is just where they are in this experience we call life.

Continue reading “Scarcity or Abundance?”

Taking the STING out of Conflicts

So the other day I was sharing a story my son’s day  at camp with a friend.  And she was struck by the way he handled a conflict with a friend.

A day or two before Eli had been called a name by this friend.  He handled the conflicts as most 9 year olds would and even lots of us adults.  He was upset.  So he got a counselor involved.

The next day he and the friend kind of avoided each other.  And Eli was still upset thinking the friend didn’t like him anymore.

I’m so grateful he shares this with me and Marc so we can counsel him.  So I asked him a few questions:

 

  1. What is the story you are writing?   You know the one I mean? The one that hasn’t happened yet.  The one that is projecting from your Ego/FearVoice/Inner Critic?

*Writing a story or ASSUMING what will happen shifts your energy and the energy of the situation.  REMEMBER: Energy follows Energy

This type of thinking can bring about increased stress, anxiety, depression, anger and yet- NOTHING has happened YET.

Try not to be mad at the fear voice.  It is only trying to protect you and keep you safe.  Instead give it gratitude.  Thank it for having your back.  And then tell it.  I’m SAFE.  Please get quieter so I can hear my Heart/Intuitive voice.

This is the voice that won’t steer you wrong.  It leads from LOVE.

Now Eli, had already decided his friend was done with him.  They were not friends.  And he decided that if Eli approached the friend he would not be received.

So we role played with each other and with his stuffed animals.  We did some silly ones, some funny ones, some angry ones and some positive outcome ones.  And Eli began to see the story hadn’t been written… YET.

2.  The next question I asked him “What from your past hurts is feeding your worries. ”  Can you think of another time when you felt this same way? OR When the story you are writing came true?

Now Eli has been doing a tremendous healing around an incident that happened a couple of years ago when a man in charge of his Tae Kwon Do after school program physically threatened him.  So he was able to speak his feelings about this AND the bullying by the older kids in the program who tortured him while the adult provided no protection or solace.

He connected TRUST and his own CONFIDENCE were the wounds contributing to the story writing.

3.  Next I asked him: Where is your power when you write these stories?  Where is your trust and confidence?

He is so cute.  He said “Mommy, I give away my power when I don’t trust myself and God to help me and that makes me feel not confident. And Mommy, you taught me energy follows energy.  So I’m bringing my energy down when I could TRUST myself and God which will give me the power and confidence to do something different.”

I have to admit my eyes welled up with tears at this point.  It has been a short, yet long 2 year journey filled with some scary shit. So to hear him say all this was beautiful and such a testament to his amazingness and the POWER LOVE has in healing.

4.  We spoke about his options of what he could do the next day.  All of it being his choice.  Do nothing.  Ask a counselor to help him speak with the friend.  Speak with the friend on his own using a powerful technique called “I statements”.  And more.

BEFORE making this decision, I asked him to sit with this.  Think back to the time you’ve spent with this friend BEFORE the conflict.  Is this someone you really enjoyed?  Did you feed each other’s energy? Did you have fun? Was there a mutual respect until the conflict?  And if you could have the outcome you desire, what would it be?

Marc and I told him this was his to decide and there was NO right and NO wrong.  We’ve both tried many of these things with great outcomes and shitty outcomes.  He had to really feel this out.

So here is what he did: He found the friend and asked if they could speak (BIG ASS COURAGE for my guy).  The friend agreed.

Then Eli used the POWER of “I” statements.

 

 

When you do _____

I feel _____

Because ____ (vulnerable)_____

Self reflective share

And then he gave his friend an opportunity to do the same.  Though at 9, his friend didn’t know what to do.  So he asked Eli if they could move forward and be friends.  And Eli being the forgiving soul he is, said YES.  And off they went.

The “I” statement takes the  sting out of confrontation while you stay in your power during a conflict.  And provides an easy to maneuver conversation aiding in coming to resolution.  All involved are seen and heard through this SUPER POWER tool.

The keys in conflict is know you are getting stirred up by your wounds, your fears.  If possible finding space to calm, breathe and discern the answers to the questions I asked Eli will help you process.

And the “I” statement during confrontation, conflict, in the heat of the moment…helps empower you and the other person.  It keeps you from going below the belt and provides the beginning of a map to communicating through the conflict and synergizing a solution.  And that takes the STING out.

Look, none of us is perfect.  And we aren’t here in this life to be perfect.  It’s about learning, experiencing and loving while we are here.  You are going to make mistakes, you are going to make bad choices.  You can drown in them or choose to learn from them.

Free will baby, it’s all about choice.
XO

The Power of Words

Words are soooo powerful.

When I was a kid my Grandma and my Dad used to call me the “da greser”  and my sister “da kleyner”.  Pronounced: (dah graseh = long A and lightly rolled “r”) and (dah klayneh = long A). Loosely translated Greser is Yiddish for bigger, older, greater  while Kleyner was little, younger, smaller.

Well at the time, I learned the meanings of these words, I was not in love with me.  So what I heard was the BIGGER sister and the SMALLER sister.  Oy vey! Those words had HUGE power over me and I heard and took all this to mean I was FAT, HUGE, BIG, LARGE.

Here is a picture of me at that time, standing behind a friend’s younger brother.

Surprising?

Words HAVE POWER.  Did my family mean for me to believe I was BIG and FAT? No.  But what you say to yourself has HUGE power and how you CHOOSE, yes, CHOOSE, to take in the words from people (especially ones you care about) have huge power over you too.

I defined myself  at this point in my life as the BIG one, the FAT one even when I wasn’t FAT.

My parents and grandparents loved me, adored me.  They had ZERO intention of hurting me or saying anything that would derail me or have such a negative impact in my life.  But there was a lot going on in my young 8-9 year old life and the free spirit I had been just a year before disappeared quickly.

Here is a pic during a recent adventure  with the love of my life .  I’m definitely larger.  The difference between how I saw myself then and now?  I am in love with me.  I’m happy.  I’m beautiful.  I love my body. I take care of myself meditating, exercising and mostly eating nutritiously and I’m healthy. I live in gratitude (most days). I would definitely love to release some weight yet I live my life enjoying the journey and not waiting for that day of what used to be my belief of “perfection”.

How do you get there? You learn how to use the power of words to help YOU fall in love with yourself.  It doesn’t mean you’ll never have a bad day or get triggered.  What it means is you are so in love with yourself you can keep going even after you stumble or fall.  You show yourself compassion.  You become aware of the words you think about yourself and how you speak TO yourself and about yourself.

I’m real about what I ‘m super great at and what is just not my strong suit.  Yet, I don’t say I SUCK at _____.   I do my best and ask for help when I need it.  We all have our unique abilities and areas of day to day living where ya just need support.  It’s really okay.

Read these out loud with enthusiasm and make note of  how you feel saying each one:

I love you!

I hate you!

Your tush is too big!

You are soo skinny.

You are gorgeous!

You are loud.

That wasn’t nice.

You are so sweet.

I suck at this.

You are powerful.

You are the big sister.

You are the older sister.

What did you notice?  Did you feel better with the compliments? OR did you struggle to believe them?   Did you dislike the put downs or feel agreement with them?

Now try this one.  Loud and Proud.  Say:  I am in love with me!

Can you say it out loud? Can you smile when saying it? Do you believe it? In your head? In your heart?

I hear friends, family and client’s talk about themselves sometimes and just feel for them cringing as I hear the way they put themselves down unconsciously or deflect sincere compliments.  Those are sure signs you may not be in love with you.  And I often ask if they would speak to someone else that way. Almost everyone says NO WAY!  “So what makes it okay to speak to yourself like that?”

Do any of these sound familiar:

  • Filled with self doubt (often or compartmentalized consistently)
  • Looking for love outside of you to fill you up and make you feel whole (emotionally and sexually)
  • Difficulty having and holding boundaries
  • Difficulty receiving compliments
  • Addicted to Drama or drama follows you constantly
  • Indecisive
  • Speak down to yourself or about yourself
  • complain often

If you said yes to any of these (I used to say yes to them all so don’t be shy here), most likely you are not in love with yourself.

Lack of love for yourself has the POWER to change your life.  Let’s rephrase that: Falling in Love with yourself has the SUPER POWER to change your life; shift how you feel inside and out; change how you experience day to day living situations and relationships.

The power of words is one SUPER TOOL I use in collaboration with powerful energetic healing to help clients begin falling love with themselves.

You were born as part of love and so you are LOVE.  As you grow, you hear words and learn about conditions and you create beliefs about yourself that are not true.  You can reframe these self laws and change them.  You have the POWER!!

Begin one word at a time.  Set an intention to become aware of how you speak to yourself (and how you think about yourself).  Get real.  Be honest.  Awareness is a HUGE key in the work I do.  You cannot change what you are NOT aware of.

Once you are aware of it, change can begin.  Pick ONE belief at a time.  Change it.  Reframe it so it is stretching your system making you a little uncomfortable and yet you see the possibility of it being true.   And work with that one until you believe in your heart and soul your new belief .  And then keep going taking it deeper.

It is SO possible.  I am living proof as are my clients.

I know you will see and feel changes in your life and your experiences.  You will create a feeling of lightness filled with joy.

And should you want support, I am here for you.  I am on a mission to help as many people as I can fall in love with themselves.  So I invite you to connect with me and ask.  It is a attribute of strength to know when you need support and ask for it.

I LOVE YOU!!

I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!

With Love and Gratitude,

Marni

 

 

 

 

Learning to Fly

learning-to-fly

I clearly heard words from Tom Petty: “I’m learning to fly. But I ain’t got wings.”

What does this mean? I’m learning to fly and soar.  I don’t have wings and yet I can fly anyway.  When I’m high and soaring in my power, I used to bring myself down because I felt somehow I didn’t deserve my joy or success.

This was a pattern, a rollercoaster in my life.  Up, down, up, down.  Plain exhausting and frustrating.  I couldn’t figure it out.  I thought I was doing ALL THE RIGHT THINGS.  And yet, somewhere in me lurked this feeling of “I didn’t deserve” or “I am a fraud”.  Have you ever sabotaged your success?

It came out in my relationships, my marriage, my parenting, my business and my weight/nutrition/exercise.  It consistently showed up while I was “on a roll”.

This was, of course, after working on and healing my lack of self-esteem.  I love myself.  I am confident.  I lead a fairly balanced life.  I take time for self care.  Yes, I’m not perfect but I was no longer this person who felt unworthy.

It didn’t make sense to me on an energetic level either.  I know what I feel  and think affects my vibes.  I know my vibes attracts people and experiences into my life. So if you are soaring, how could I begin to fall?

So I immediately recognized my pattern and thought “What is going on?  I am so done with this sh#t already.  Why is THIS coming up?” And the more I didn’t want to look at it, the more often I repeated the pattern.  And I got pissed.  Do you ever think “why does this keep happening?” OR “I’m tired of this.”

I’ve never been one who likes to REDO things (unless they are what I deem SUPER FUN).  So imagine how much I really wanted to repeat the same pattern OVER and OVER? Nada! What an energy drain.  Right?

This is what happens when I am not paying attention or not wanting to pay attention to messages in my life.  The message for me in hearing this song: Marni, it is time to Heal and FREE yourself of this cycle. Shifting my beliefs, my feelings and my vibes.  How did I know this? I heard it through my spirit, my intuitive trust and gifts (that is another story).

You might be confused at this point.  I sure was.  Didn’t I already heal my sh#t? Well, yes and yes.  Healing is like a snake’s skin.  It comes about in layers.  You shed a layer when you are ready to evolve, grow or just experience life from a new and/or deeper perspective, seeing more possibilities, expanding your comfort zone and letting go of what no longer serves you with gratitude for what it provided.

The old me would’ve already been in Numbland by this point.  Either binging and purging when I was bulimic or just doing anything I could NOT to feel all this discomfort.  My energy was plummeting. And believe me, I wanted to run and hide from what was clearly in my face.  And that was when I CHOSE to lean in more.

What? Lean into my resistance? Embrace discomfort? Doesn’t that sound like something easy and fun?  Ha!

And yet, once I did, it wasn’t as hard as I thought. And I could feel my energy physically and emotionally shift.

First you become aware.  Aware of what I was afraid of.  And I learned as I expand my comfort zone, I will still come across my own fear because I am experiencing something new, different, at the edge of my zone.  Yet with feeling secure in who I am, my fear doesn’t feel as large (most of the time).  Once I became aware (using tools I’ve created or learned) and embraced what I was feeling, its power began to fade.

Do I still have the rollercoaster?  Once in awhile, yes, it sneaks up. Most of the time no.  And even now when I find myself about to take a trip down a huge hill, I feel so differently about who I am today compared to yesterday.  I now see so many possibilities.  With the knowledge of possibilities and of course meditating almost daily I feel peace inside and more easily or more quickly shift my energy.

Does peace mean the voice inside is quiet.  No. It isn’t quiet in here inside me.  It is very noisy and yet I learned how to create peace inside the tumult.  Add in a little energy healing and I’m feeling better already.

So often you don’t want to be honest with yourself because it feels painful and scary and that just feeds the power of fear and leaves you feeling powerless, full of self-doubt and scared.  Basically STUCK.

Joining the Self-Esteem Revolution was the greatest gift I gave and continue giving myself.  I highly recommend it.   I learned to fly and soar without wings and how to sustain consistently while looking at what scares me most. It is so freeing!!! Join me!!!