Tag Archives: zen

How do you face your pain, so you can dance in the rain?

How do you face your pain, so you can dance in the rain?

This one’s hard for me to write. I had an AHA moment the other day about a choice I made a year ago. I used anger to numb my feelings of pain and stress. Many of us live lives with giant stressors daily. And when we don’t want to feel the stress or the feelings below the stress (usually fear, unworthy, unlovable, etc), we go for our drug of choice. Lashing out to cover up the real feeling inside.  Excessive anything creates life imbalance.  Yet, who hasn’t felt super sad and gone for something to “comfort” yourself?

You just want to numb out pain so you don’t have to feel.  No judgement here. We each have a drug of choice we gravitate towards.  Our choice serves us by numbing us and giving us the illusion of protection from pain. 

What is your drug of choice so you don’t have to feel?

*excess alcohol

*drugs

*over exercise

*bulimic

*anorexic

*smoking

*workaholic or constant busyness

*anger

*victim

*food

*sleep

*shopping

*overgiving 

With me, it wasn’t always an occasional thing. For a long time my drug of choice was bulimia.  This was “my thing” from the time I was 8, off and on (more on than off), until I was 25.  When I wasn’t choosing bulimia to numb me out, I chose anger to numb my bigger feelings of unlovable or unworthy; dissatisfaction in my body, my relationships, my career. Hugely big and scary.  I believed anger protected me from feeling weak and from anyone seeing how awful I really felt.  So not true.  My “hidden” feelings kept me from establishing strong valuable relationships; kept me from satisfaction in my career; kept me from enjoying my life. And what’s worse? I kept receiving more experiences and situations reflecting the shitty way I felt inside. 

This is true for most of us.  We have painful feelings we don’t want to feel including parts of ourselves we don’t want to claim.  So instead we are hiding that shit by not admitting it to ourselves and/or numbing the pain with our drug or drugs of choice.  You can definitely use more than one and may even use one I haven’t listed.

So how does facing your pain help you dance in the rain? For starters, you cannot truly love all of you if you can’t see and accept all of you.  And if you are not seeing all of you or unaware of your feelings because you’ve kept them hidden or numb for so long, then you don’t have awareness.  You cannot change or claim what you are unaware of.  So begin with awareness, ie. Facing your pain. Later after you face it, you can work on accepting it, shifting it, making changes…all kinds of healing.

Facing your pain can be scary and can feel HUGE.  Some of us hate change and facing pain is a big ass change. Claiming who you are, in all your glory and imperfectness is also a BIG CHANGE.  When it feels HUGE, the feelings you haven’t felt in a long time feel overwhelming, neverending and gigantic.  Thus, your reactions can be on the extreme side. 

You see I was in and out of numbness almost 20 years., When I started feeling again it felt HUGE, EXTREME, IMBALANCED.  The highs were high and the lows were LOW.  Who wants deal with that? I didn’t.  It felt like a rollercoaster at times and not in a fun way.  Yet to get to awareness and balance (the beginning of dancing), I had to face the pain and the extremes.   

And this is typically not a one and done situation.  Meaning you don’t have just one feeling you’ve not faced or one thing about yourself you don’t like or accept.  IT’S usually deeper and multiples. 

My numb imbalanced feelings lead me into a relationship for 5 years with someone I never wanted to date.  I fell into this relationship after I was in bulimic recovery and began loving myself.  And this is so common.  I see this with clients too.  While my love for me was deeper than before, I still had so many feelings of lack: value, worth, esteem.   This also translated into poor boundaries too.  And this boyfriend mirrored all my lack feelings back to me during our time together.  Since I was already in bulimic recovery, I turned to a different drug to numb my feelings.  I smoked A LOT of pot.  I numbed out feelings of sadness, lack of worth, self-doubt and just plain feeling unlovable as me.  I accepted treatment within the relationship that would have me out the door immediately and never looking back today. It was a mirror of how I felt about me.  

Towards the end of our relationship, I had begun learning about energy healing and my awareness was beginning to shift and my love for myself was beginning to deepen.  So, when an extreme event occurred between us,  my eyes opened as if I’d been asleep for five years and I took action leaving the relationship immediately.  My beautiful anger fueled me with the fierce power of courage to leave.  

My work was only beginning when I left the relationship.  When I became free, I began embracing some of my feelings for the first time in a long time.  Facing lots of painful realizations.

Can you see how not facing your pain can lead you to situations where you feel stuck, super unhappy and unlovable?

It is because I love myself, I can look at myself, all my parts: what I like and parts I don’t.  When I moved out from THE boyfriend into my own place, though it was painful to face my feelings, I began to dance.  And one afternoon, I was in the backyard setting up my grill and it began to rain.  And I stayed a moment and felt the water tap me all over and was overwhelmed with emotion and joy.  I began to dance in the rain. 

I’m still a work in progress, becoming aware of and healing parts of me at a deeper level consistently.  It’s a journey. And even gravitate to a numbing agent now and again, though most of the time, I write and deal with my feelings or share them with a friend or practice mindfulness or all of the above. And when the rain water and temps are warm, when it rains- especially in the Summer, I get out and dance in the rain. 

I don’t have all the things I desire in my life, YET.  I’m getting there.  I have hope.  I have belief.  I have love. I live my life as best I can in the present moment.  I continue facing my pains.  You only get out of it what you put into it.  And for me, the dancing becomes an even more vibrant joy when you claim all of you and your feelings.  Love deepens and possibilities abound.

We all have shit and it stinks (Thank you Gwenn)… so rather than push it into a pile and pretend it isn’t there stinking…Face it, smell it, accept it and heal so you can embrace all of you and take your dancing up a notch and fully experience the beauty of life.  

XO Marni

I Am Always The Strong One

I am always the strong one.  At least that is the illusion I told myself.  I am the one who remains clear headed and calm while the chaos ensues around me.  I’m the one that handles the crisis during the crisis.  The cost is I don’t get to my feelings until much later after the chaos becomes calm. 

After the crisis and before I get to my feelings, I am cranky, bitchy, nitpicky.  And when I let loose, it is like my insides are falling out of me.  I cry tears that could fill the oceans.  I sob out loud and I just let go.  And man, am I tired when I’m finished.  It takes so much energy to hold up the world and keep it together when I just want to cry in that moment.  But if I did, then I wouldn’t be the strong one. Or would I?

This is how I grew up.  This was the role I created for myself.  My unique ability.  My “look at me and what I can do talent”.  The action I took for approval and love.  What I felt I had to do to be loved.  Yet, I was already loved.  Loved before conception, loved the second I was conceived, the moment I came into this body on this earth.  I am love. 

Somewhere along the way, I learned being dependable was strong and approved (approval = love) and showing lots of emotion was judged as weak.  So, funny, I live my life in a colorful world mixing colors constantly.  Yet for this huge decision, I looked at only 2 choices, black or white.  My fear erased color and with it possibilities. 

I did such a good job playing my “strong one” role that when I shared my feelings with loved ones and began taking off my mask, they responded with “you can handle it, you are strong”.  Often, that made me super angry to hear.  I wanted the perceived nurturing I saw going to the “weak”.  The rescuing.  I wanted to be rescued. 

And so I tried my hand at being a victim.  I didn’t get the reaction I wanted.  I received tough words and tough love. And that made me angry and kicked off more fears about me not being loved.  A self-fulfilling prophecy?

Life is about possibilities, endless possibilities.  Today I am still great in a crisis with my feelings hanging out or running down my face.  I allowed myself to see other possibilities.  I no longer have HUGE releases after a crisis that drain me of energy.  I gave myself permission to feel in the moment.  I am the strong one because I allow myself to feel and express my vulnerability without becoming a victim.

And I am grateful for this beautiful awareness.  I am grateful for the times I believed in the illusion.  And I am so grateful to know the difference.   This awareness I pass on to my son.  Feel your feelings, acknowledge them.  Crying is a release.  Admitting you are sad, frustrated, angry, overwhelmed, AFRAID, doesn’t make you weak…it is what you do next that becomes your story.  Do you become a victim of woe is me or do you keep moving, find gratitude and live your life, human, vulnerable and strong?

How do you begin reframing what you believe and your behaviors? I’ll share with you what I discovered. My magic powers I’ve used for years…

First you become aware.  Then you create an intention.  How do you want to embrace your life or a specific aspect of it.  Stick with something that stretches your comfort zone and yet you believe it is possible.  Sometimes it is your intention that helps grow your awareness.  And then develop an affirmation, an I am statement.  Something in your own words that you desire and can believe.  Both your intention and affirmation may be works in progress.  That is absolutely okay. 

And finally, gratitude.  When I live in gratitude, my fears are quieter.  It doesn’t mean they don’t exist, but fear doesn’t get so loud that it controls my life.  And when it does, I discover I have forgotten my gratitude.

I realize this may sound too easy or possibly lame depending on your perspective.  All I know is it works.  It works in my life.  And I have the incredible delight of witnessing it change the lives of my clients.

I sit in gratitude almost daily focusing on an intention and affirmation to guide me or grow me that day.  And sometimes I have the same intentions and affirmations for a few weeks as I allow myself to change.  My gratitude notebook goes everywhere with me in my purse.  When I feel something, I write it down.  And when I’m struggling, it helps me remember.  Some days it might be gratitude that I am breathing or the sun is shining. 

I realize this seems so simple. How could something this simple change your life? Try it consistently and watch yourself soar.  And if you dare enough to try it, write to me and tell me how your life is changing.  I want to dance in celebration for you and with you.   

 

I struggle

What am I going to write about? The time I struggled and showed my ass by behaving like I’d lost my mind? There are moments I feel like I’m part of the circus or better yet starring in a sit-com.  My life is far from always being full of laughter though we laugh a lot in our family.

I get tired of taking everything so seriously.  So I put on a pair of “TV glasses” and see what each situation I’m worried about, frustrated with, pissed about, and enjoying would like through the camera of a sit-com.

I discovered this solution when Eli was an infant.  I was alone and changing his diaper.  He stuck one foot in poop, then another, then his hand.  Somehow it got on my hands too.  I was by myself at home.  And as a new mom, I began to panic.  How do I figure this out? How do I get my son and myself clean without getting poop everywhere.  Every idea I thought of resulted in me seeing my son ending up falling to the floor.  All the tools I needed were in other rooms,  The thought of carrying poop from room to room with a dog and three cats standing by to enter the fray filled me with more anxiety.   My body tensed and tightened.  And then Eli began to cry.  Big surprise, right?  And then as he wriggled in more poop, for a split second I imagined my reaction if I was watching this on TV.  What was the big deal? And I began to laugh.  And as I laughed and my body loosened, Eli calmed and smiled.  I have no idea how, but somehow I cleaned us both pretty quickly and easily.  And from then on, I pulled out my “TV Glasses” during life situations.  Any caregivers out there ever experience similar situations?

Which brings me to a few days ago when again I was struggling, frustrated and a little scared.  Instead of picturing the sitcom, I cried.  I disagreed with my producer for my upcoming radio show and participated in unnecessary arguing drama.  I was not fit for human consumption and I felt it in my body. I reflected on all my “life plates” I keep spinning, my to dos.  Are these life or death “plates”? Nope.  What will happen if I don’t get EVERYTHING done? Nothing.  What am I afraid of?

Truth? Falling on my face which is FAILING. Yet even as I say that most of me is not afraid.  I know in the deepest part of me, even if I fall on my face there is a reason.  I know the experience will provide me with an opportunity.  Now truth be told.  It isn’t comfortable to fail.  So I don’t know of anyone who runs out and says Yes, I’ll choose Failure.  What I know is if I don’t choose change,  which comes with risks, and pushing out of what is comfortable, I stay stuck.

Complacency becomes another word for stuck.  Don’t make waves. Status quo.   Don’t ask a tough question because of what might happen.  Did you know stuck means you don’t get to experience the fantabulous either?

Self-esteem plays a huge role in your willingness to embrace change.  Change can have ALOT of unknown and unfamiliar feelings and factors.  So of course complacency will feel better in some aspects because you know it.  And you know your outcomes even if they are painful.

So here I go taking another leap:  1) I premiered my radio show heard globally   2) I stopped part of my business marketing which I believed until recently was the largest draw for meeting new clients.   I do not know what I’m doing next to grow my community.   I trust it will be revealed soon (there was a bit of GULP the first time I said that)  3) I am continuing to lovingly detach as a parent (more on this in future articles). Providing my son opportunities to grow and fail (as safely as I can)  4) I am visibly emerging with  live videos on social media, radio, joint ventures with other healers 5) I am learning how to do my radio show from my computer and all the mechanics and marketing (there are at least 10 things here I don’t know)  6) I am allowing in my relationship with Marc instead of listening to the voice telling me to “drive the train”.  With more leaping each week and sometimes daily.

And while some days it feels harder and some days I fail.  I am still happy everyday.  And more and more consistently, I feel an ease and a joy.  I feel a freedom like I did as a kid riding my bike super fast with the wind blowing my hair kicking my feet out as I went down a huge hill and yelling WHEEEEEEE!!!

With Love and Gratitude,

Marni

 

Why Wear Someone Else’s Underwear

Do you wake up feeling great and head out into your day only to find after a work meeting or a run to a store you feel off, cranky, sad, etc.? Does any room in your house or does your car feel off, cold or darker? If you are answering yes about any part of you or your space feeling off, you need energetic cleansing.  I want to help you and share some of my favorite rituals. I energetically cleanse myself and my home, often if not daily.  Whether you are an open channel or just unaware,  it is easy to pick up other people’s energy unknowingly not only in your own energetic field but also in your home, your car,  or any space you visit. If you wouldn’t want to share someone else’s underwear, why wear their energy?
So what do you do to feel better?
First
begin by becoming more aware of how you feel so you notice when your feelings (physical, mental and emotional) change.   I begin my day doing a quick scan of me.  How do I feel: emotionally, physically, energetically.  If you don’t know the answers to all of them, it is okay.  It will come with practice.  Daily consistency is key.
Second cleanse your self.
Why? 
Clearing a space without clearing yourself is like mopping your floor wearing dirty shoes.
How?

There are many approaches for cleansing yourself.

Here is a short list.  You may like one or a couple; use them separately or together. There are no rules.,, feel what feels good to you. When you finish check in and see how you feel.  Don’t make this hard or complicated.

1- begin with water in the body;

Program a glass of water by holding it and setting an intention

Think and drink

2-Visualization: Create an image or a ritual of the mind that as you picture it, you cleanse.  You ask for anything not yours to be released for your highest good and cleansed off of you.

3- Prayer: Ask in prayer for energetic cleansing

4 sage or palo santo: Light either of these, set an intention to cleanse your self and douse yourself in their fumes

5- music: Sing, play or dance choosing music that lifts you up and soothes your soul (this is subjective)

6- crystals: Use crystal healing to cleanse your energetic field

7-move outside: Walk, run, bike, etc feel the earth beneath you and feel your vibes raise higher.

8- Water over the body: Shower, bathe and as the water runs over you or you submerge your body in water, know you are cleansing

9- exercise: Yoga, Pilates, Barre, Cycling, Running, Basketball, etc. Any form where you are moving continuously or close to continuously

10-laugh: laughter heals your soul; And more….

The goal is to clear your vibes and begin moving your vibration higher.  All you must do is believe it is possible to succeed.

Just as weather changes daily, the approach appealing to you can shift or change.  The methods you choose can also change as you learn, heal and grow, especially when you choose an extensive letting go healing like Kahuna healing. What I do today is different than what I did years ago.  I try news things and adapt my own rituals. So don’t be afraid to try something new.
Once you cleanse you, space cleansing can begin.  And you use many of the same approaches. Scan your space first.  How does each room feel? This is super personal.  My personal fave is white sage.  It is powerful and grabs most unwanted energy.  I set a stage for myself.  I love music and play music throughout my cleansing time.  I set intentions for my space and visualize the cleansing and protection of it.  And then I walk and dance throughout my space focused on my intentions.
Now there are times I receive intuitive messages to choose another approach or I hear I need to meditate first and I pick up some nuance to incorporate.  When I go to a client’s home, each space is cleansed uniquely.  While I may bring sage, there may be other tools I hear to help including meditations and even bubbles.  And sometimes, if there is a darker energy or a spirit to cross over, that certainly brings additional alternatives to my choices.
When you finish, scan your space again.  And notice the difference.  You may not be able to describe it right away.  It could be it just feels better.  And then yes, you’ve done it.
As we begin this new year of 2017, I encourage you to cleanse your self, cleanse your space and look for opportunities for healing yourself and letting go of what you don’t wish to carry with you any longer.  Letting go can cleanse your soul.  If you want to know more about this, join me  and Nami for Kahuna Healing as the first New Moon of 2017 approaches (information below).

With Love & Gratitude, Marni

What is “clearing spaces”?

 

space clearing

I clear spaces. It is something I have a talent for and I enjoy it. No two have ever been alike. I was sharing this with a a new friend over coffee and was asked what it was. Was it just smudging, was it like Feng Shui or what? What a great question. I know what I believe but I was curious to know what others thought. So, I recently asked people I know their take on the difference between Feng Shui and Clearing Spaces. I received wonderful answers from:
1) Space clearing can happen in the presence of Feng shui..
2) Space clearing involves ether ,Feng shui involves things—
3) Space clearing is a part of Feng Shui. Get rid of clutter. Get rid of stuff you don’t need, broken, doesn’t bring you joy. Get that energy out. Let go. This clears the space for the energy to flow, and allows space for new intentional energy flow.
4) Feng shui is the placement of objects and the flow of energy around them. Space clearing is cleansing and fluffing up any stuck energy.
5) I don’t know
I loved everyone’s honesty and find value in every answer as well as truth.

Here is what I know, what I’ve seen and believe:
Feng Shui is an art and science about the placement of objects around a space to support the flow of energy, abundance, health, balance, love, etc.

Space clearing is about changing the vibrational energy within the space allowing it to flow and removing the very energy causing places like our homes, offices, properties, etc. not to feel good. The range of “not feeling good stuff” spans from negative vibes we pick up throughout our day to earthbound spirits (aka ghosts) who haven’t crossed into the light and more. Clearing a space includes protecting the space too. It creates a feeling of peace, joy, and ease within the place. Space clearing affects our personal vibes while in and around that space as well as anyone visiting. Those vibes affect our daily living.

Feng Shui and Space Clearing work well together supporting each other. Clearing the space, protecting it and filling it with good vibes and peaceful energy is the first key step to a space (home or work) completely supporting our life’s desires.

Interested in knowing more? Later this week I’ll begin sharing video tips for space clearing. Look out for links to my YouTube, via Facebook or Twitter or sign up for my newsletter.
I’d love to know your thoughts and answer your questions too so please respond and let me know. And share this this often. We all need spaces that feel peaceful and joyfilled to spend quality time.
Lovingly Lotus

UGH or Joy: we choose

Feeling all kinds of frustration after what began as a lovely day. Well, okay let me back track. My day began with the alarm going off and my hubs hitting snooze (multiple times).  small bump. While he showered,  I did a morning meditation with Killian and Hunter (dog and cat) loving on me.  Hubs and I joked around while getting ready.

Happy morning. Then I realized I forgot to set our son’s alarm last night and we were two minutes past wake up time. Doesn’t seem like much unless you are almost 7 and two minutes is a HUGE amount of time.  He woke up easily, yay! Then walking like he was still asleep, he shuffled downstairs and began putting vitamins in his mouth and getting dressed. Now if these vitamins were candy (and they do taste sweet), they would be gone in 10 seconds, okay maybe a minute. He chooses to suck on them while he is dressing. He was dressed pretty quick but unable to eat because of the vitamins still in his mouth.  BUMP. This dragged on for almost 15 minutes. Finally got him eating in time to say…stop let’s brush teeth and you can bring your waffle to the bus stop. Now at this point, we are all happy just on SPEEDY moving.

Delicious moments at the bus stop with our little man asking for a hamster. Um, NO. Dog and cat are plenty thanks. The hubs later concurred loudly with laughter. Lots of hugs and kisses and silly dancing later, he got on the bus. I was off to get my morning walk/run on and talk to my hubs. Great walk and talk. Love being outdoors in the neighborhood as everything is waking up.

Back at home, gave the dog some outside time and went out the front door to meditate. DELISH!!! 45 minutes to an hour later I made my protein shake and went to do email before beginning to write. The beginnings of a great day!

And that is where it all began the UGH. One email account was sending but not receiving. The other account was not receiving and the address book disappeared. Okay. Tackled the latter. Tech support worked with me. Address book recovered. Yay! Then they worked on receiving issue. Done. Feeling good I moved onto the first account. That was not as easy. When the tech person isn’t confident and knows about as much as me, I have a challenge with trust. When asked to delete my account and do some other things that didn’t make sense, my fears slid in. What if it deletes all my inbox email I haven’t foldered? What if I delete the wrong thing and cannot recover?  She couldn’t explain what to delete and I was panicking. BIG BUMP. Called my amazing hubby, who said NO…do NOT DELETE. I will handle when I get home tonight and since web mail works, use that today. Breathing again and grateful he is techy. I know I complain when he has his nose in his phone or computer A LOT. Today at this moment, I am grateful for it!! CHOICE.

So I’m over the panicking. Not complaining. Choosing my weather, my mood. Feeling my heartbeat slow down. Getting back to my zen and writing away.  HAPPY!

We choose if we allow our fears or any perceived bumps in the road to steal our joy. When we acknowledge our fears and look for other possibilities and/or embrace them so we can move past them, their power diminishes over us. So now I’m sitting here smiling away, AGAIN. Grateful for all that occurred this morning and the awareness I gained from it and enjoying the choices I made.

Wishing us all a great day!! It is what we make of it.

Lovingly Lotus.