I always knew I had expectations yet I am continually intrigued with how having these suckers affects my life.  I’ve had expectations in relationships and BOY when those aren’t met have I gotten pissed. Sometimes even ending the relationships.  Acceptance of myself has taught me, expectations can get in the way of seeing someone as who they are.  That in itself messes up or can mess up the relationship. In most cases no contract was signed.  Besides relationships, I’ve had expectations with my career both my past Advertising Corporate world and my healing career.

A year ago I left the traditional corporate world embracing a lifestyle helping other people through healing full time.  And did I have expectations!  I knew that my life would look a certain way, follow a specific path and even move forward on a definite time line.   All because I was “trusting myself”.  Yes, I did and do trust myself, but I established expectations that things would look and feel a specific way.  CAUTION…CAUTION…CAUTION – VERY NARROW ROAD AHEAD!!

I sit here today completely different.  My practice is NOTHING like I expected.  I’m still helping people through healing.  I’ve surrendered my timeline and how I help people.  I TRUST and SURRENDER.

And I did all this figuratively kicking and screaming throughout.  It has been an interesting rollercoaster and I’m grateful to my family and friends for their support AND to all the folks that never responded.

Yes, I’m grateful to the ones that never responded, one of my obstacles.  Thanks to them I became frustrated.  Thanks to them I sat back and listened more to myself, my spirit, God, others.  Thanks to them I had to the courage to be vulnerable and seek counsel from lovely souls who helped me see – sometimes giving it to me right between the eyes where I needed it- what I was creating and how to get out of my own way.  Thanks to these people who never responded I looked at myself differently.

I saw that I was putting ALOT of pressure on myself to deliver. My pressure  created a sense of desperation.  EWWW…not very attractive.  I feel such a commitment to my family and felt I was not financially contributing what I SHOULD…so some of the pressure came from that.  And then there were other SHOULDs about what my day and how my help SHOULD be structured.

Where was the lightness and FREEDOM I felt a year ago? 10 years ago? I began feeling stuck.  The STICKINESS pissed me off . So I went inward to myself for answers and sought out my wonderful friends and family.  The message from myself and from them was the same.  LET GO, SURRENDER, YOU ARE MEANT to help people, IT ISN”T GOING to be exactly as you thought, TRUST God, TRUST your spirit.

Wouldn’t you think with all this I would just say: Oh, Ok.  Got it and move on??? I did that with some things and not others.  I over analyzed the SHIT out of things instead of just doing.  I wanted to feel or know what I was going to get out of something BEFORE I committed to it.

So what happened? My awareness throughout the community grew.  My private session practice grew and then slid back.  Back and forth.  My opportunities to teach and speak increased.  HMMMM and I discovered/uncovered/remembered more abilities to help others and continued my own education.  HMMM —- Is that EVOLUTION?  Yes.  It has not all been comfortable and yet I embrace it all.

I love getting up each morning and know I get to do this each day and that it will continue to change.  I am riding the wave and enjoying the journey.  And when new stuff comes up that I don’t have a way to describe with a feeling, I use a phrase I adopted from my friend HH, “HOLY SHIT BALLS”.

Don’t think this to mean expectations and I are finished. I’m human and continuing to evolve as we all do.  Just know that the awareness of having expectations, the desire to move past them and live differently and the desire to surrender helped me greatly.  And without the  obstacles I’ve encountered (really they are catalysts), I would not be the me I am today.  I am GRATEFUL beyond words.

If this helped you, I’d love to hear about it.

Lovingly Lotus

Categories: blog


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