Recently, I experienced an act by someone that truly was malicious and vindictive. I struggled at first to forgive. Some friends asked me how I could even think of forgiving this person for the incident and what they did to my family. Let me start with what I believe. I believe ALL people are good, sometimes they make BAD or REALLY BAD choices. Having said that, this incident was pretty awful and so I was struggling with my own belief.
The more I struggled, the angrier I became. And the anger, I noticed, didn’t just come out about this incident. It came out as being nit picky with my family. It came out as feeling anger for things that never bothered me with friends and other family members. I was feeling so powerless about what happened that any sense I had of someone not keeping their word, not meeting agreed to or implied expectations, trying to control me or what I deemed as harm in anyway went to that FEAR place inside and stirred up all I was feeling.
These feelings made me feel unlike my natural self and uncomfortable. I had to figure out what to do to feel better. As I sifted through conversations about it with my close friends, my family, my meditation/self and my journal, I realized to get back to my true self I had to find FORGIVENESS. That doesn’t mean forget what happened or even reconcile with this person. Forgive the person and what was done so I could move forward in my life, for me. This doesn’t mean I condone what was done. It means I released myself from the anger and made my way back to peace and happiness. I remembered who I truly am.
For days, I said out loud _______ I FORGIVE YOU!! I know it was in my head at first and I wasn’t meaning in my heart as much as I desired. I was still angry about the unjustness, about feeling like I couldn’t be me and thinking I had to live my life a bit differently. Yes, those were definitely powerless feelings. The more I focused on feeling peaceful, having faith and trust in God and all I believe in, the support Marc and I have for each other, special giving friends who listened and advised so lovingly and saying “I FORGIVE YOU” outloud; I noticed the anger leaving. No, it didn’t happen over night. And some days I do still think about it, but it is now with more detachment. I also took my life back and am living free, authentic and happy again.
The pissiness at the little things has abated and my consistent compassion has returned along with my daily inner smile. I have forgiven for my highest and greatest good and learning that has truly been a gift. Yes, gift. Are you shocked that I say that? Do you think I truly would consciously choose to have this experience? No WAY. Yet it happened and I am stronger, better, more forigiving and happier for it. Wow…I never thought weeks ago those words or feelings would be coming out of me…yet here I am.
I encourage everyone to forgive for yourself. Carrying that anger around is toxic and affects even subtley all other aspects of your life. The other persons or person doesn’t even need to know. Give yourself the gift of forgiveness.
Shift to a happier life,
Jenn Jackson · June 5, 2014 at 11:21 am
Fantastic writing, Marni. Faith, love, hope, courage and forgiveness… 5 of my favorite words and ones I work towards every day.